MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

I didn't mean to explain myself too much on that text, it wasn't the first one. Convo went like this

(Discussion about MIL watching DD a couple of days while I do work training on usual day off)

MIL- well if she's happy with me on these days and goes okay, we can have her every Friday.

Me- Friday is my day off, I won't usually be working Fridays.
(confused and thinking she's mixed up with what days I work although we've discussed my return to work many times, and the reason she was helping with DD for a couple of days is because I need to work on my day off)

MIL- yes I know you don't work Fridays. But I'd like to have DD.

Me- message I've posted below.

MIL- ignores me totally and tells DP I'm a selfish so and so.

Just to add I appreciate she is helping me by watching DD a couple of days... but I do have closer and more convenient options for childcare, I gave MIL first refusal for these days as I knew she was keen to be involved. Now regretting that.

Get thee to a solicitor.

As the Russians say, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. MIL hasn't got a leg to stand on. DP too, can't dictate how an independent, single woman lives or how she raises her children. Actually, by having a day each week to bond with LO you're showing that you're a brilliant mum.

Inform DP that if he wants his mum to spend time with LO it's going to be on his time. If he can't, then hard cheese. Meanwhile, forestall whatever machinations they have planned.

Good luck!

No, no, no and NO!

It’s ok for other to stick their nose in when they aren’t expected to give up something, run around to make something happen!

The amount of travel involved is ridiculous, sure it would be nice if she lived around the corner and you got a few hours to yourself an odd time with no faff.

You’ve just got to be blunt here and say no, give your reason one last time and tell them that’s the end of it.

I really REALLY hope that you and your DP have a cohabitation agreement drawn up by your solicitor .

Some legal advice from me as a legal professional, although every case is different and will be decided on its own facts.

if you split up and end up in court any child arrangements order will be made in the best interests of the child, not the adults.

There is no presumption of 50/50 care unless the father can care for them himself. Even then it depends on the facts of the case, and your individual circumstances.
He can be assisted by other family members, but the presumption is he will be the main carer, apart from short periods such as school pickups, etc.

Grandparents have to apply for permission to the Court to apply for any contact to a grandchild, and it won’t be granted unless it’s in the best interests of the child.

I hope this is helpful OP.

I think the big question no one is asking is if mil wants baby that badly why can't SHE change her work day off? Why does it need to be baby's mother who has to do all the compromising? It's bloody ridiculous- you don't get long with the baby as a baby so hold onto that day and to hell with mil. It is not mil's baby. She has had her time with her kids as babies - this is your time. Mil and dp are beyond selfish expecting you to give up your time with the baby. Good luck x

I am a mother in law and a grandparent, and she is being ridiculous. It's your baby not hers, and she is certainly not being helpful. I am always happy to help out if asked but wouldn't dream of demanding to have the children alone at that or any other age. If course you want to spend time with LO and well done for arranging it so well your DP should be supporting you. It's exhausting having 3 children and you should be making the most of your time together. Maybe she could drive over to visit you all occasionally.
And grandparents have no rights in law - sadly.

They live two hours away. That’s not convenient childcare 🙄

I’d not pay too much attention to her to be honest, just be nice but firm. My MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on most things so I mainly ignore her and do whatever works best for me. I am never nasty about it and even if I can tell she’s not happy she never really causes a fuss because at the end of the day it would make it awkward for her to spend time with the kids if she fell out with me.

Been through all this personally. The partnership is you and your partner. Nothing worse than an interfering MIL who wants to interfere for her own gain. My MIL asked my husband to ask me if she could be my birthing partner - and that's where it all started to go wrong and it continued to go wrong for the next 4 years until I left with DD. If you back down you're giving them both the green light to manipulate you - he will resent you because ultimately he's trying to please his mother at your expense. He finds it easier to put pressure on you than to say 'no thank you we're fine we've got it covered' to his mother. She will continue to come up with ideas to suit her needs so be ready. Now if she wanted to spend time with you all as a family that would be normal but don't let her dictate anything. How rude to zone in on her grandchild - is your child her only grandchild? He/she has parents who make decisions together and as a family.

I did the same, went back to work and took little one to nursery mainly because it was better for her and better for me. MIL babysat one evening a fortnight because I wanted to go out. That's all she got - what I wanted when I wanted it. Husband wouldn't look after child on his days off so she went to nursery. Husband never did get the message & he lives with his mum now.

We had 5 years in court - he did that to please his mum, he didn't want the responsibility of child so dumped her at grandmas every other weekend during his contact time - grandma was over the moon. I stopped contact numerous times because our child wasn't spending quality time with her dad as he had requested and eventually he got 5 hours per fortnight. DD dumped her dad 3 years ago because all he did was point her towards her grandma & tell her what to do next time at grandma's. He was manipulating her to please himself and his mother. He's spent the last 15 years hating me and punishing DD at every opportunity til she said enough was enough. Now she can't see grandma unless she goes to his house and his sister is doing everything to support this mindset. These people are 61, 67 and 88 years old all from the same mould sadly.

I’m actually outraged at your MIL’s selfish behaviour. What she is asking is very unreasonable. TBH I think you are being bullied by both your MIL and by your DP enabling her.

I can’t understand why you haven’t told her to go jump in a lake. If it’s because you don’t want to upset your DH then your relationship is definitely not in a good place.

Things may be OK at the moment, but I’d be making sure he has no claim on your house, and definitely do not let your MIL set up a routine that she can later claim rights to your DC. This is what she is doing, and your DP knows this as she’s run this plan by him and he’s agreeing, just in case.

In addition, I’d be keeping a calendar of his working away routine, and what he does and doesn’t do with your DC so if you split, he’s not going to be calling the shots, as you demonstrate that he’s doing no parenting, you are.

Cover your ass OP, or you’ll regret it.

Tell your MIL, “I’m getting very, very cross now. I’m working very hard both at work, and looking after 3 DC whilst facilitating DP’s working away. I get to have 1 day quality time with my baby, and now I’m being made to feel guilty about it, and called selfish. I am not happy about being treated like this.
My DC will not be coming to your house every Friday, and the discussion is now closed”.

If your DP won’t back you up, I seriously think you should bin him off.

You have a H problem not a MIL problem. Why are your needs and work pattern less important than hers?

Just say no. Point out you have arranged your work/nursery schedule to allow you to have one day with your LO on your own, and such things are not easily changed. That's it. Stick to it. You can clothe words in any nicenesses you like, so long as they make plain you are not shifting.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, both your mother-in-law and your partner are being very unfair here! You and your little one are the priority not your mother-in-law. Like others have said she’s already had her children! What strikes me and rings the alarm bells is the fact that you are almost making plans in your head for how time will be split if your husband and you are separated. This is something I do a lot and I realise you have to plan however it strikes me that perhaps you believe your relationship won’t last? I would very politely say that you would love to accommodate her and she’s very kind to offer to help you , but you are unable to change your daughters nursery dates or your workday but if she wishes to have her as you suggested once a month then that would be amazing. Stick to your gun.

Good point!! And will the mother-in-law become fed up with the little one once she starts to become bigger? She’s being very selfish as is your DH.

Please don’t change anything!! We’ve seen all too often on here parents not getting childcare sorted because parents/in laws promise to have the child, then when it comes to it they back out leaving parents in a right pickle without arrangements for their children!
personally I wouldn’t respond! Tell your DP that your day off is Monday and it is YOUR time with YOUR baby! You’re not changing your days to suit someone else, but if his mum wants to drive to you at weekends and have baby for a couple of hours then she’s MORE than welcome…. Or ofcourse HE is more than welcome to meet HIS mother half way!!!
Sorry but others work round you when it’s your baby and you’re working!

and if you split up his parents have absolutely no rights what do ever to see baby…. I would point out that they’d likely see baby less (much less) if you separate as it would be all on him to arrange and travel during his time!

I worked in a refuge and a MIL was threatening to apply for visitation/custody and the family courts said grandparents have no rights at all

@SitBackAndRewind this is very good advice.

I hate to admit this but there have been times where DP could have cared for or spent time with DD when he's been off work, but he's chosen to do other things.

He does work hard and doesn't get a lot of downtime, is a first time father, I guess maybe I'm making excuses for him... but it is something I'm keeping an eye on. Writing down the schedule is a good idea.

To those that have asked, we do have a cohabitation agreement. He also has his own house (2 in fact, one is an investment property). He's not sponging on me.
He pays half of everything even though he's not here a lot of the time...
It made sense to set up home here due to my older children etc. long term plan was to sell his main house and mine and get a bigger house together. Just with baby I didn't want the stress of selling and moving right now.
He pays half the nursery costs. Me dropping a day has saved him I guess half a days cost?
I think it all works out okay. He gets a lot more of DDs clothing and things like that as he loves shopping.
But it's definitely something I'll be mindful of.

Also, my DP has apologised and said his mother is overstepping, that he was just trying to make suggestions and smooth things over in the heat of the moment and he can see how they aren't practical at all.
He also thinks ad-hoc childcare is fine, we can ask his mother when need be for the odd day, he thinks every week is strange and too much, too much travelling for DD too.

He thinks his mother has just got over excited and overstepped the boundaries.

I kinda saw this coming for a while as I knew she was buying baby things for her house and I did think "why?" We hardly ever go there...

You are trying too hard to keep the peace with people who will always make life difficult with their unreasonable behaviour Do what suits you and your family

If your MIL wants to spend her day off with her grandchild, suggest she comes over to you once a month? If she doesn't drive, she could try a bus or train. If she doesn't fancy a 2-hour journey there and back, you can point out that neither do you or the baby...

If she is a first time grandparent then show her what that means in your family. You are the mom. You are the parent, if she wants to ‘help’ then that must help you, not her.

The way you write your posts makes me think that it wouldn’t bother you too much if you split up with your partner. If this is the case then, be careful what you put in writing to your mil, and I would only allow mil to look after your child in your house. A small child doesn’t need to be doing those long journeys.

Good luck.

How ridiculous

your day off is there to spend with your child, not to ferry them to MIL’s

if MIL wants to see them more often this needs to be arranged with DP at the weekends, unless you request help in the week

the woman sounds crazy and DP sounds like a classic man who doesn’t want to upset his mummy

I would leave the topic alone until it’s approached again then just say no, perhaps she would like to meet up once a month where she drives to you for a couple of hours to HELP with the baby and family not spend time with them for her own benefit

I’m not sure why you’re even giving this any thought. You sound very sweet and it’s admirable you’re trying to consider her feelings but what she wants just isn’t practical. Kindly thank her for the offer and enjoy your little one xx

Grandparents rights are not an automatic right and would need a court order.