Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

I think at this stage you are being ridiculous. You're not pregnant, you don't know when you'll be pregnant. He will mostly be at home, and if it's no good once you are pregnant and you see how it works out then he can always change jobs then.

I think you’re perhaps not ready, feeling anxious and that’s causing you to worry about things that aren’t a problem so that you can avoid the real problem, which is you’d rather wait.
You’re not actively TTC, you aren’t pregnant. Worrying about a job that he doesn’t even have, for a baby that is strictly hypothetical, is a bit unreasonable. Fair enough to have a discussion and see whether you’re truly compatible with what your family life should ideally look like, but I think you’re unreasonable to be putting your anxiety on him when he’s focused on his job interview.

He might be shutting down the conversation but that is a conversation that needs to be had. I'd explain that he will be responsible for drop offs and pickups half the week and organising nursery and wraparound care, and how is he going to do that?!

Sorry to be blunt, but if a child is sick when your partner is away, you have to just deal with it yourself and hope you don’t get ill too. It will happen

Working from home is a big positive as the dc get older and really helps if they need to be home for whatever reason. So don't discount that. But that's a few years away and he's unlikely to be in the same job by then. You are absolutely right to want a serious conversation about this. Too often, a woman's career is sacrificed when she has children, particularly when the husband is ambitious. Perhaps you should say that you need to ensure you factor in childcare costs, and practical arrangements, because you'll want to continue your career if/ when you have dc.

I also wouldn't be agreeing to have children with him before you're married. It's not an old fashioned view, it's about protecting yourself financially. If he's intent on going for this job, I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to say you won't be having dc until you're married, and you want to wait a few years to continue building your own career first.

Out of interest, why do you refer to your success as a 'little promotion'? This sets a tone of your job not being important, and reduces yourself to playing second fiddle to your dp's lofty ambitions. Be proud of your success, and change the tone of the narrative now before bad habits set in. Everything you do now is about setting the right tone for when you're married and have dc.

I don’t think you are ready for children yet . You don’t seem at all enthusiastic. Let him apply for the job and if he is successful then think about the logistics if and when you decide to try and conceive.

An hour commute is perfectly normal. If a child gets sick you deal with it. You get childcare in place. You're overthinking.

Surely you discuss the important things of AFTER marriage you would like DC but not if he is going to be away with work a lot.

In the meantime bullet proof contraception.

You are right to be concerned but he hasn't even got the job yet. It's difficult to base decisions on hypothetical children.

TBH I would never advise having children before marriage. Sounds like you want to wait for career reasons in any case. Don't be pressured into anything.

The problem is not the travel abroad, the problem is this:

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation

When does he think these topics should be discussed? Because I would not even consider starting to try before every single little question had been discussed and agreed, and a plan made.

YABU about the travel on its own, but YANBU to want to discuss it first and come up with solutions to all the scenarios that might arise.

Totally normal in my industry to have to travel internationally once or twice a month, even after you have children, but plans are put in place before you bring them into the world.

If you have children without getting married, please carry on working full time and make sure your partner pays his fair share of childcare bills. Otherwise you will be financially vulnerable if you split up.

Edited to add: sorry I realise that wasn't the main point of your post, but it's really important!

So, here’s the reality. My husband works away quite frequently (he’s had 6 trips in 7 months ranging from 1 night to 11 nights).
We overall have a much high quality of life with him in this job BUT it is hard work when it’s just you. I’m the the same position that I don’t have family who could do any wrap around care as parents work and I have to work flexibly around school/clubs etc. I work for myself though so can make my time back after bedtime. I’d seriously look into childcare before you have kids as options where we are are also very limited to pre 5pm pick ups.

In my position it works AND is worth it because when my husband is home he’s 100% an equal parent and partner, from childcare to housework and I point that out because that’s NOT the case for many it seems. So without being rude, make sure your partner who “really wants kids” actually
understands the implications of a child 24/7. Or is he one of those guys who just wants to teach them to play catch, but not actually deal with them when they’re sobbing on the floor because you put the wrong sock on them…

So I don’t begrudge “the work” whilst he’s away because I’m not containing that load once he’s home from his travels too. I think I’d resent him if he didn’t actually be a parent when he was home too. I get a break once he’s home and so I can take a few days every so often because as I say, overall we have a nice life together and you find your own rhythms when it’s just you and the kids and that’s not necessarily bad. Just know what you’re signing up for and what kind of partner you have is my advice before you commit.

You want to get married, then have children. If he wants children he needs to be willing to marry you first. You don’t have to get used to the idea of children then (maybe) marriage later. Marriage isn’t some old fashioned romantic notion. It is the legal mechanism for protecting mothers (yes it is still mothers who take the biggest financial hit on their careers) and children from feckless fathers. One visit to Mumsnet will show you how often women are duped into children first and marriage later, then left without the marriage and a family to raise with no divorce settlement. Stick to your guns and, if he doesn’t live you enough to budge, leave him.

what’s the reason for not wanting to marry for another few years? Either you love someone enough to marry them or you don’t. I smell bullshit.

Sort that bit out before you get pregnant.

Your DP wants a lot doesn’t he? He wants a baby, wants to work away (how will he meet his parenting responsibilities if he’s not there - I guess that will be left to you ), he doesn’t want to get married for a long time/ever ( i wouldn’t have a baby outside marriage, not criticising those who do but you will have so much more protection in law if you ever split up if you are married), he won’t discuss your concerns and shuts down the conversation ( so basically he’s not good at communication/controls the discourse, do you want to marry a man like this anyway?).
At the very least he needs to discuss this with you and give you the basic courtesy of listening to what YOU want to discuss, how this will work out and how he will meet his parenting responsibilities. Otherwise it looks like he just saying he wants what he wants and is leaving you to deal with it all - not really fair is it?

You’re right, I am not enthusiastic. He’s really keen to start trying now and keeps asking me to come off the pill. The pressure and this new job in tow is only adding more doubts to start trying now.

As everyone else says, until he is willing to have a conversation about having children and getting married, don't have children with this man.

If he won’t even have the conversation then your relationship is not in the right place for children. He’s showing you what that would look like already. Don’t bring a child into this and definitely not without making first

Do not have a baby with someone who says they are not ready to get married. He will never marry you. Marriage is an important legal protection, particularly if your work might suffer as he’ll be away.

Do not have a baby with someone who won’t even discuss the impact of a job with you.

This man isn’t for you. He won’t be a good supportive partner.

My DH worked away a lot when I had our kids. You have to think how you would cope alone with work, sickness etc, and if that’s something you want to do.

I think it's entirely possible for parents to manage two careers in which one person has to travel a lot, but that's not really the point here. The point is that he isn't willing to talk about it and I strongly suspect that he is assuming that you are the default parent.

The other issue is that you're clearly not ready for parenthood yet, and you want to be married before having children, which is a perfectly reasonable point of view... and potentially very sensible depending on your circumstances.

I would let him get on with the job interview without pushing the issue, and then insist on having a conversation afterwards about expectations etc. And stand your ground...he is the one who wants kids now so he doesn't get to dictate the plan.

Don’t have kids before you’re ready to and don’t have kids until after you’re married.

So he wants children, he doesn't want to marry yet, he is off expanding his career.

You don't sound family ready yet, want marriage first and will likely need to curtail your career if you have family.

It's very unbalanced, why is your priorities coming second all the time?

YABU to have children on someone else's terms and timeline. Have a real think of what works for you.

I would say to him’ How are you going to look after a child when you are out if the country?’
Await his answer, because it will inevitably be that he expects you to be the default parent.
Like most men, he likes the idea of having a child. The image of being a family, turning up to BBQs with a child who everyone fusses over. Having a kick about with a football in the park. Watching the England game with his child.
The reality for most women is that their career becomes secondary to the man’s. This puts you in a very vulnerable position, especially if you are not married.
Having a child is a far more damaging prospect for a woman. A man can literally walk away, and many, many men do.
You won’t walk away.
I’d ask him that question and go from there.

Don't have kids if you are not ready.

Don't have kids with someone who has no plan to marry you.

Be careful of committing further to a man who shuts down conversation about your joint future/concerns.

I would focus on what you want rather than going along reluctantly with what your partner wants and take a good look as to whether this is really the man for you.