Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

He's very good at twisting your perfectly reasonable, logical points around to make it seem like you are being unreasonable/grasping/"oh you don't love me you don't trust me" - basically gaslighting you to believe you are in the wrong..You absolutely are not.

Him on the other had - he trusts you enough to want to make you pregnant, but not enough to marry you?!??

Now that is illogical.

..and to echo @FinallyHere - he may want children but he doesn't seem to want you very much

I cohabit, partner didn’t want to get married for similar reasons to your other half. We were together a long time before we had kids.
we jointly own our house and as I took a hit career wise he pays all of the mortgage/household bills. This means I can save/put more into pension as I’m losing out career wise.
it was never a question for him as he truly believes that we are in it together and that we are a partnership.

its easy for your partner to push for having kids with no marriage as he doesn’t stand to lose anything in a split but you do (your financial independence).

Can I ask if you feel any anxiety in the relationship because of this please? Would you have rather have married or do you feel happy with the situation?

I wouldn't be bothered about him travelling for work as long as it wasn't all the time.

But what strikes me about your OP is that you'd rather wait a few more years due to your career, and you'd rather be married.

So don't have a baby.

You don't want one yet.

He can't make you have one.

You don't have to give him a baby just because he wants one.

Tell him you'll discuss having a baby after you're married and not before. This isn't something you actually need to compromise on.

I agree with this.
When the overwhelming majority of men are weak for you they absolutely want to put a finger on it.

He's looking for a baby even who will pay for it and take all time/career/pension hits.

The only thing he is weak for is his assets.
That's why he uses anger and intimidation to shut her up.

Classic abusive tactic.

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

Don't do it. This man will never marry you.

He wants you to take a leap of faith and trust him to have kids without being married, but he's not willing to extend that faith to sharing assets with you.

It's because of these assets he won't do it. He knows the kids will be enough of a tie.

OP if you want kids and you want to be married first then you don't have time to wait for him to make his mind up.

You could just say, "This isn't working. We want different things. You want me to bear a child for you but you aren't willing to marry me first and I'm not OK with that so we clearly aren't compatible."

But you have to be sure you're willing to walk away.

You wouldn't be SINGLE parenting your as yet imaginary children as you have a partner, albeit travelling abroad (in this imaginary future).
You're being ridiculous.

This is all very wish washy and apologetic and he will trample all over you in his haste to twist your words. You need to be much more direct about YOUR needs and wants, not his. You say something like ‘I am not ready to have children yet and I will not give up my career and change my life to have your children without being married and the practicalities of raising a child being discussed and agreed upon first. If you are not willing to fully make the commitment to building a united family unit and provide protection and security for the future then this is the end of the road for us. It is too much of a risk for me to give up my independence and financial security if I (and our future children) am not afforded any protection by marriage.’

I don’t feel like you’ve actually read the thread.

My DH has always travelled for work. We have no family nearby. I've just got on with it. It's been fine.

This.

Please don't be coerced into TTC.

Take some time away from him, at least a week or two, and really, really think about the insight in this thread.

You don't want to end up like the impoverished, sad, career-ruined people who overlooked massive red flags.

There are millions of better men out there. Who would care about you and the children.

Be more concise: I want to get married before trying to conceive.

No need to justify or negotiate, that’s what you want so he can decide what he’s going to do.

You should definitely say this. It’s right. But I am sure that he will turn it round and make you feel like you’re being difficult. In all honesty I think you should find someone better. The right man should be your partner, want to share his life with you if you’re good enough to be the mother of his children, you’re good enough to share his assets. You’ll end up in such a mess if you go along with his selfish plan. He sounds like a bully. And just a bit weird. Find someone better!

Don’t have a child with him. Reconsider being with him.

You haven't read the thread have you? The travelling is turning out to be the least of OPs worries

He doesn't want to marry you.

He's said that.

The promise of that in a few years is to keep you on the hook.

He does want a baby now. But he doesn't want the responsibility of a baby.

So not only are you Miss Right Now rather than Miss Right, you also happen to be his incubator. You are a means to an end and you'll even do the hard graft for him.

That's all he sees you as, because he's not willing to commit now.

He's still waiting for Miss Right and should he meet her he'll drop you (and no doubt the child) as quickly as he can.

If he was really into you and waiting a family with you, he wouldn't be stringing you along like this and he wouldn't be talking about 'protecting his assets' which he views more important than you.

All you'll be doing here is losing 3 or 4 years of your life to him, waiting for him to decide to marry you. Before you either give in and have a baby and leave yourself totally exposed or you wake up. Either way, you are stuck in the 'sunk costs' mentality and still seem to think this guy loves you despite it being blatantly obvious to loads of us here, that he just doesn't.

You are worth more than being led on, waiting for his to change his mind or realise that yes he does want to marry you. That's not the man he is though. You can't change him or fix him. Nor will waiting for him to get his act together work.

You need to say, he needs to make his mind up NOW. He either commits or you walk. That's marriage. If he's 'not ready' when he's pressuring you into a baby at the same time, he will never commit to you and all he's looking to do is screw you over in the long term when a better offer comes along.

And deep down you know this. You are just too scared to admit it.

This.

He's gaslit you this far. He'll just do the same here because you aren't getting that he's manipulative and frankly trying to put you into a position so he can abuse you emotionally and financially.

He wants a new job so he's going for it.
He wants a baby so he's pushing you to come off the pill
He wants you to juggle parenting and working while he nips off travelling, albeit for work
He doesn't want to get married so is dangling a carrot to placate you.
He's not listening to your concerns, instead hiding behind his interview.

Where's the "team" element of your relationship because it all seems to be swayed in his favour atm.

You need to be firmer about what you are expecting as a minimum from this relationship. I still think you need to ask the previous questions I’ve mentioned, as those answers will be telling about whether he really does love you.
”I am not ready to have children and I will not be having children without the stability of marriage. That is not going to change, no matter how much you push. If you want children sooner rather than later, you need to marry me, sooner rather than later. I’m not waiting indefinitely for you to decide if I am worth more to you than just an incubator for your children.

When we get married, we will be partners. We will be equal partners raising children and I am not giving up my career at the expense of yours. This means you cannot make decisions about your career which leaves me with the bulk of the caring responsibilities without discussing it with me. I’m not saying you can’t opportunities, of course, but you do need to discuss how you see it working and then during an interview you need to be asking about whether that arrangement will work. That will give you an indication if the job is going to work for our family.”

Way too wishy washy.
He will see these as light suggestions, twist your words, talk you round and you'll end up pregnant with a ring and a neverending engagement.
I'm with @RedToothBrush he needs to commit now. Today. And you get married before year end. If he cant commit now. today. It's over.
And if you do this... it will be over.
If you use the wording in the posting above mine be very careful with saying the last paragraph about children and 50/50 .. he will say yes fine because he will hear "we will pay 50/50" (ie better deal financially for him) and you are the mum so you do all the grunt work, deal with sickness, the night wakings and everything else relating to our child

I get you need to have the conversation so you know you tried your best to save this and make it work but honestly you should end this. He is not "the one"

even if he compromises and marries you....

1. You'll never hear the end of how you "forced" him into it and it will be used to get his own way in every big life choice "well you got what you wanted - i married you! so i will buy this impractical car X/ go on holiday to Y/take job Z because i should get something thats what i want"
2. Marriage or no, this guy is going to be a shitty life partner to you and a part time disney dad to your child(ren) i hope you have family around to support you if you press on.

I am saying this not to be harsh but its the kind of thing i wish id been told before wasting 5 good long years in my late 20s on a guy that just didnt want the same things i did.

I hope you consider all great advice you are getting as a response to your latest update. To be completely frank I still think you should just end this as this man doesn't want marriage, wants you to do parenting when he is travelling here and there, he sees you as someone after his assets and some things he has said to you are just too much.

This.

Hes wants his cake etc. and to leave you supporting his life with no risk to him.
As for you taking a leap of faith - shouldn’t he do the same?
Ask him if his willing to pay for everything while your on maternity leave AND pay into your pension during that time?
Whos going to pay for childcare - you? Him? Both of you?
What about getting you help when he travels?
Can you get a cleaner? Babysittters?

Or are you expected to work, look after kids, and the household while he focussed on his career?