Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

What does this pay half look like though? Because you earn a lot less than him so you shouldn't be paying half, even if finances are separate.

And please, do not think "he will have no choice" because you are deluding yourself. He will just swan off to work and that will be it.

What exactly do you have his word about? That he will marry you eventually? If that's the case, why not do it before kids?

He doesn’t want to marry before kids because he has been so against marriage always. He’s making the compromise to make me happy. He is not ready yet but wants children as we are not young. I’m 34.

You need to be able to have explicit conversations about practicalities. For example, how will you fairly manage taking turns to have time off work to look after your child when it is sick? How will you jointly manage drop of and pick ups at nursery and childcare? How will you manage finances equitably, especially when you are on maternity leave? And a hundred other really important questions.

Reluctance to discuss these issues in detail is a HUGE red flag. They're not hypothetical like "what would we do if we won the lottery". These are all things that WILL happen and if he doesn't want the mental effort of even talking about them then god knows he is not going to cope with the effort and sacrifice of actually having a child.

He owns the house? Do not have children until you are married. You need the legal protection it brings.

Marriage before kids. You will take a massive earnings hit, for a year, and possibly longer, with maternity and "motherhood". It affects blokes much less.

Personally, DH wfh three quarters of the time travelling the rest is fine. He does more than half when here. I pick up it all when he's away. Yes, it's a tough week, but it's doable (all be it with a mother who can and will drop everything and drive 300 miles if there is a crisis - happened once).

The biggest issue is the forcing things you aren't ready for, and not discussing things that impact you - such as a new job with travel. It's the communication more than the job with travel that concerns me most about your post.

Why is he ready for a baby but not marriage.

Please don't have children before getting married. Children are a far bigger commitment than marriage so if he's not prepared to marry you then he's not committed enough to have children with you. I've read too many posts on here from women either trapped in miserable situations or left high and dry by men after having children and not being married. It gives you legal rights. It's not something you can compromise on. You are either married before you have children or you are not. There is no middle ground.

Not sure how often he’ll be away yet but my thinking is that he will have no choice to help out more when at home because I cannot be flexible in my job. (My italics)

Help out? Please do not fall into the trap of believing that home is your responsibility and your partner “helps”. This is true at any stage but absolutely vital after children are born. It’s possible for one parent, by agreement, to physically do less, but they would take on some other element of responsibility that does fit in with their other commitments and, crucially, they would never see or describe themselves as merely “helping”. Because people who think they are just “helping” also retain the ability to decide they don’t fancy being helpful when it doesn’t suit them.

Anyway, what logic is he using to reject the commitment of marriage yet want you to commit to a child together?

Will he do a civil partnership? You need legal protection

If he’s not ready to commit to marriage then he’s not ready to commit to having children. You’ve only been together two years and don’t even go on holiday together, he owns the house and earns more. Do not have children with him until you’re married, you won’t be protected.

We have had many arguments about marriage before children and have almost split because of it. He said he is compromising and that I have his word.

But marriage is his word. That's the point; it's a formalised promise. At the moment you quite literally don't have his word because the most he's committing to is a vague suggestion he might be up for that one day in spite of being generally against the idea, but first you have to take a leap of faith and start having babies with him...

When is this job interview? I'd close the conversation now as he's supposedly distracted by this interview. After the interview, he has no excuse to discuss it. And at that point, you can point out that you're not sure about Dc anyway, and you're definitely not sure about it while his schedule is still up in the air and potentially he's not around much and ask him to discuss it.

But to be honest, I'm not optimistic. You are paying half of everything while earning significantly less. You don't go on holiday together and instead you holiday with your parents. He doesn't want to marry you and accuses you of being transactional.

I really don't see any of this as a sign of a good, strong, mutually respectful and loving relationship. Sorry.

'This! Many many people cope. My husband spent 4-5 months of the year working away when mine were small and I had a full time job. I think you’re just in a panic and need to calm down and don’t make any TTC decisions until you are sure.'

Oh for goodness sake. Why does this happen so often on these threads?!? Posters who are in good relationships with decent men only take the actual practicalities of the op, and fail to see between the lines at all. Then the op starts second guessing. It's infuriating. Yes, it would be fine, IF THE BLOKE WAS DECENT WHICH THIS ONE ISNT. Read the ops posts at least for the absolutely obvious red flags which indicate that your anecdote is irrelevant.

What precisely is it about marriage he is "against"?
Maybe he does't want a big wedding, fair enough but I cannt understand why 2 people contemplating a life together with children, house etc would not want a legal contract between them that provides them both with protection in case of divorce, death, illness etc etc

Delay the baby idea until after the interview. Then you need to really talk. I wouldn't marry or have children with a poor communicator. They make for an unhappy relationship long term, because issues always arise, and they won't deal with them.

He absolutely CANNOT be ready for children but not ready for marriage without either being a) deluded about the commitment involved in having children or b) having privately decided that the lion's share of childraising is going to fall to you.

Also, to add, my dad had a job that meant he wasn't around when they had DC at first. My parents coped. But I knew, from a young age, I wasn't interested in that. I would not have married DH and agreed to DC with him if he'd been in a role like that. OP has every right to say that her job is important to her and she doesn't want to have a child with a man who will be absent, making it difficult for her to continue her job at the same level she was before.

Oh my, is he a red pill guy? It sounds like he is protecting his assets from you, if you have kids with this man, take a step back from your career and you break up...you be left with NOTHING. Please, be smart about this.

I think it depends on the frequency of the travel. If time to time means 10 days once a year for a global conference, or a few weekends a year for trade shows, I don't think that's a big deal, it's not significantly different to you having a few nights away with girlfriends or your own family a year. If it's national sales or something like that and he's driving all over the country and away several nights a week, that's a different situation. But if he wants to start a family, he should be asking these questions in interview so that you can discuss it properly.

I also think this is part of a bigger conversation. Are you ready for this baby or not? Because you've told him no, so he's planned in line with that, and now you're saying he shouldn't have done that because of potential baby. So either trying for a baby is imminent, or it isn't, and if it isn't then why shouldn't he try for a more fulfilling role? This conversation is actually quite urgent if you are 34 and he is 38. Are you likely to be one and done, or do you foresee a bigger family, and if the latter, with what spacing between the children? Because if you want children and want the oldest to start school before the second, for example, you probably do need to get on with it sooner rather than later as you'll already be in or almost in your 40s when trying for the second, but if you're likely to be one and done maybe you can afford to wait another year or two before starting trying.

(*Amended because I'd misremembered ages sorry).

Sorry but no no no no no. So many alarm bells here.

He's really manipulating you and everything he proposes is sacrifices on your side and not his.

You don't HAVE to be married before kids, sometimes that's not the way it works out. But do not do not do NOT have a child with somebody who isn't ready to marry you. The child is the far far greater commitment and 'tie' than marriage, apart from....oh yes, only for you actually because he gets to swan off and do whatever he likes and you are literally left holding the baby, exhausted and financially vulnerable.

What he is proposing is a huge risk on your side and none at all on his. Who would suggest that to somebody they love and cherish?

Your issue has little to do with his work travel and everything to do with how he views your relationship.

FWIW DH and I have both travelled extensively for work even when DD was tiny, and it was hard at times but we made it work with some support from grandparents etc. But your issue is nothing to do with work travel really, and everything to do with your partner and how he views you and your relationship.

Agree with others, you're not ready for a baby, and probably never will be under these circumstances, because it is spectacularly unfair and unbalanced.

Maybe he should take a 'leap of faith' and marry you? No, he won't do that!

I cannot stress enough how challenging it is to live in the middle of nowhere if you have children and don’t have close, reliable family support. Seriously consider how you’d manage things like finding childcare, transport, and making friends. Being a parent can be very isolating, and if your partner is away you’ll come to appreciate things like living in a place with a bus route/shop you can walk to/nearby childminder and school.

I always wonder why so many men are fine to create a life with someone but not to tie themselves financially and legally. Then I realise to these men, creating a life is LESS commitment as they can always opt out, knowing the mother will always have to ensure the parenting is done and they can see the kid part time if needed while protecting ‘their’ assets. Men like this are not serious about parenting equally as they’re already thinking about how to best easily extract themselves and keep as much as possible for themselves from the mother of the child they want to create.

Leap of faith? lol, he’s not asking you to take a leap of faith he’s asking you to agree to provide him with a child and become beholden to him not only for fair sharing of family assets but also his good will to step up as an equal parent with absolutely zero evidence he’d do it. I’d call that a reckless fall vs a leap of faith myself.

When he said he will marry me, I asked him why children have to be first. He said he wasn’t expecting to be met with me being so suspicious and thought I’d be happy.

Quite a few people I know have kids before marriage. My worry is that he is choosing a job that requires him to be away from the family. I think I need more reassurance and attention - he is less in need of affection and is more ambitious/spontaneous.

Don't be a passenger in your own life, be the driver.

If you don't feel ready for kids yet, don't get pregnant.

If you want to get married before kids, do that.

If you want to work on your career before kids, focus on that.

If you want a partner who will have adult conversations with you about important things (such as the right time to try for a family) get yourself one of those.

Just because your partner wants something different to you, that doesn't override what you want.

You should be equals, but in the terms of having a baby, it should ALWAYS be the woman's decision, as she's the one whose body, career and finances will take the biggest hit.

There are red flags all over this.

You aren't happy with having a family before marriage so the answer is NO. If he wants children he needs to marry you. If he's not ready for the commitment of marriage, he's certainly not ready for the commitment of children.

On the job, he should certainly discuss it with you. Jobs with regular travel usually pay more, so I can see why he might think it's a good idea. But you have to be in agreement and happy to cope on your own when he is away.

I'd just double up on the contraception and tell him you want your children to have married parents. If he won't marry you, that tells you everything you need to know.