Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

Just a thought and I might be being too cynical here but is his sudden urgent desire to have a baby because he is going to be away a lot in his new job? So you stuck at home with a baby means you won’t be out having fun with your mates/able to work late to progress your career/tied to him and unable to leave because you have a child together? I may be way off the mark but that did just cross my mind.

plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.
Don't. If marriage has been discussed then make sure you get married before children. It will protect you.

but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation

That's your biggest problem tbh. The fact he refuses to discuss anything HE wants to do even if it impacts you enormously. It sounds like he will be one of those men who will carry on with their life as though they were single, even if married with four kids but the woman's life will be full of drudgery. You can read about his sort on nearly every relationship thread.

Out of interest does he do half the chores willingly, or do you have to ask him to pull his weight all the time?

Unless you’re by far the higher earner / have financial assets wouldn’t have DC before marriage. The ‘motherhood penalty’ at work can hit badly.

Before we married & had DC we agreed that after DC barring major unexpected problems affecting our job options neither of us would ‘work away’ frequently after DC. I wouldn’t be willing to facilitate that for my H because it’d impede my ability to hold down a job & stay sane! (some women are fine with it)

better to have conversations about scenarios & your respective assumptions

I’m in agreement with you OP. yanbu. His disinclination to discuss it is a bit worrying. Do you think he is the kind of guy who will be a true 50% dad, or is he going to expect you to do all the traditional “wife work” once he has got you pregnant and ‘trapped’? Do you think there is a risk he might tend towards being selfish or controlling? Would you be content in that case?

Your own career, your own pension matter. It’s your body and you have the ultimate say in what happens.

Go and read the “pregnant then screwed” website and research the protection both parents get when there is marriage before kids. You can say, “I would love to have kids one day with you, I see that in our future together. But I want to be married first. Marriage means a lot to me, it is not just an excuse for a party - and if we are ready to commit to creating a baby together, we must be ready to get married.”

how much travel are we talking about anyway?

For you, a 1 hour commute is … tricky but not impossible. Is it 1 hour guaranteed or “one hour but sometimes there is a horrible traffic jam/train cancellation and it’s 1.5 hours”? You will most likely want baby in childcare near home if you are going to return to work and dh is wfh as he can help with the drop offs/ pick ups.

So for me this is less about the job (unless he’s going to be away for weeks at a time) and more about the red flags for the relationship.

Do not get pregnant without being married. I cannot stress this enough. It’s not a cast iron guarantee but marriage is usually a good indicator of a man’s intentions to stick around and be a family. The fact he won’t marry you “yet” is a massive red flag.

This struck me too. We’ve been hanging out on MN for too long and seen this ending sadly too often!

Good for you op, it seems you've actually got a sensible hat on.
Your partner is want, want, want isn't he? Me, me, me. It is not good at all that he shuts you down, if he doesn't have the maturity to have an adult conversation yet, he doesn't have the maturity to be a father yet. Children are HARD. Really really hard. You need to be 💯 in the right place to start with to give you a fighting chance.
Stick to your guns here. You're not ready and that's fine. Carry on with your career. And, if the job situations are such that you will be a sahp whej you are ready, then get married first for your own protection, non negotiable.

If he really loved you and treated you as an equal, he wouldn’t pressure you, you would both be talking about it calmly. It doesn’t sound like you want children yet and that’s fine.

I think the working abroad doesn’t matter too much, my friend regularly visits the states and her husband gets on with it no problems.

Can you move closer to your work, if he’s wfh or away then it would make sense for your commute to shorten (with or without children!).

You sound quite young.
You live in “the middle of nowhere”.

He wants you to be tied down to him by having his child but won’t marry you.

You say things like “little promotion”, belittling your own achievements. I wonder who planted that sort of language in your head? A supportive partner would be encouraging you to be proud of your career.

Sounds like he’s working on isolating you and attacking your self-esteem.

If you want marriage with this man at all, I'll echo others here and say - marriage, THEN children. Not for any romantic or traditional nonsense, but the protection it offers you.

The fact he is pushing for kids like yhis now, but delaying marriage, is a tiny little bit of a red flag in my eyes.

If this is a job that he's really keen to get and it'll improve both your lives financially, I'd support him with this. If he gets it, you can then see how the travelling works out and the impact it has on you both just as a couple. Given you clearly aren't keen to have children yet and want to focus on your career, equally he needs to support you with this.

He needs to respect that having the security of marriage before kids is vastly preferable. And it gives you more time to work out whether you actually do want them. With regards to how things will work, I know a couple of families where the dads work on oil rigs, so they're away for weeks at a time - yes, it can be hard for the sole parenting parent to deal with it all, but equally single mothers/fathers have to do this day in and day out. It's all workable and you can still have an excellent career. The key thing is that your partner will need to willingly pull his weight when he is at home, which it sounds like he will be mostly.

How old are you?

Agree with PP.

Married is the ideal - financial and legal protection for you, potentially same name as child if you wish / family name. Shows a commitment on both parts.

The conversations must be had. If he’s not willing, he’s not ready.

As others have said, even with a supportive partner it’s HARD.

Only you know the specifics of your relationship but I’d be thinking twice at this point too.

Thank you all so far, I really appreciate it.

He worked abroad before I met him so I think the travel bug is in him. He has travelled alone since we’ve been together due to my job not being flexible (I’ve gone away with my parents). I don’t want to stop him from being happy but I’m just worried about the impact it will have on me and motherhood.

He was completely against marriage when we first met but has come round to the idea. He is the higher earner and he owns the house so I’m guessing he’s cautious as I have no assets of my own. If it was the other way round I’d get it…

The comment about my little promotion - you’re right - I should be proud. I have always had little confidence and put myself under others. I’m not ready for children… I want to be married first. I feel like this might be a dealbreaker sadly.

I fail to see why you have to get used to the idea of having children before marriage when that's clearly not what you want. Why does he not have to get used to the idea of getting married sooner if starting a family is that significant to him?

So in theory, him doing some travel and otherwise working from home is fine. And if you’re only thinking about trying, then it’s probably a year at least until you have a baby, then you have mat leave, plenty of time for him to do this job and move on if it doesn’t work.

What is not fine is:

• him refusing to get married before having kids. Why? The protection of marriage generally benefits whoever is more affected by having kids. Sounds like that’s you.
• him refusing to have a proper discussion about how a job like this would affect your family
• him pressuring you to have a baby while not engaging properly with your concerns.

I think you probably want to carry on as you are for now, so his working away won’t have a major impact. I also think you’d prefer marriage, then children and he seems to prefer children and maybe not marriage at all. I wonder why he’s so keen to have one commitment and not the other. Doesn’t he realise that his life will have to change, or is he expecting you to do the childcare.

I don’t think you’re ready for that commitment. I don’t think he is either and unless he can commit to both you and children, I’d not be considering a family with him.

How in God’s name does any man woo a woman by opening with “I’m totally against marriage”? What a charmer.

Ask yourself what is driving his enthusiasm for children before marriage? Is it that he'd like all the benefits of the little woman at home, with none of the commitment of marriage? Motherhood changes your life forever. Do not enter into it until you're 100% satisfied as to his commitment to you, and he demonstrates ability to discuss topics with you without "shutting them down". He's sounding less than ideal already. Assuming you're under 35 and you're not feeling time pressure.

First of all, dont be pressured into having children or coming off the pill until YOU are 100% ready. It's life changing, to say the least, once pregnancy and children are involved.

If marriage before children is important to you, then that needs to be discussed. I don't understand why he wouldn't want marriage first. Demonstrating his commitment before children and willingness to share financial security.

Also, I completely get where you're coming from. He should be able to sit down and have a frank discussion with you regarding children, marriage, and how the dynamics (financial outlook) may work if he's working away. I wouldn't just jump in head first without having this ironed out.

Him dismissing the conversation is him putting your very valid feelings on the back burner and not listening to your concerns regarding the future. This would be a red flag for me.

Raising kids, the new born stage, and even conceiving may be more difficult if he's working away more.

Reading between the lines, I get the feeling he's older than you(pressure to have children now), has more financial clout/assets (the reluctance to marry and contractually share asstes), dismissing feelings and discussions/fobbing you off (selfish and egocentric) It sounds like there's a power imbalance that needs to be ironed out.

Don't be a womb for rent. You need to want these things just as much and when you're ready.

Congratulations on your promotion. Don't ever refer to it as little. It's an achievement and something you have worked hard to attain. It should be celebrated

Alarm bells ringing OP. Since when has he been pressuring you to come off the pill? You are doing all of the compromising here aren't you? He won't get married, won't discuss practicalities, this isn't a good man.
It will only ever work if he is an equal 50/50 parent when he is around. Otherwise you end up with yet another mum absolutely on her knees trying to keep everything running 100% of the time while the man just does as he likes, when he likes.
You do not want a baby right now. Tell him this. If you are frightened of losing him then he will soon cotton on to that and that is not a good dynamic to get into.

If he doesn't want to marry you, don't have children with him. You NEED to protect yourself financially. Take it from me who was unmarried, I ended up homeless with my baby after splitting from my partner.

Focus on that first before the travel issues.

If he’s not ready to commit to you, then you’re not ready to have children.

if it's no good once you are pregnant and you see how it works out then he can always change jobs then

So naïve! Does he sound like the sort of man who will do something he doesn’t want to do at his partner’s request.

This absolutely is the sort of thing that needs thrashing out before the OP is isolated with a baby while he’s off living his best life.

You’d be mad to have a baby with this man right now, it would make you so vulnerable, which I’m concerned might even be part of the appeal to him. You also seem very concerned with what he wants, as if he can’t be told no. Just put your foot down and say you are not going to have a baby until after you’re married and with a man who will actually be around to do 50/50 parenting, you’re not prepared for all the risk and sacrifice to fall to you. I bet he’d want the baby to have his name even though he won’t marry you too?

On another note, I hope you have some savings behind you in case he ever decides to kick you out of his house.