Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

Good grief. Unless he will be working away more than 50% I wouldn’t see the issue. Even if he’s working from home, he won’t be caring for a child he’s working, and you’ll need childcare. Just wait till you feel ready to have them. You clearly don’t. You do realise that even though you might plan for how it will look once you have children and what childcare will be like, that life keeps changing and moving on. New jobs will happen even when you have children. Kids get ill. Childcare may not be suitable and you’ll need to rethink what that looks like. Loads of variables. Until you think you’re ready. Just don’t. Plus wanting children but not marriage is not a good sign to me. I’m probably in the minority here but I wouldn’t have had children before marriage. I would want to know we were loved and committed to one another first. Again. Just my opinion. Others will differ.

SOOO many red flags here.

This is very simple. YOu are not ready for children. YOu are especially not ready to have children with a man who will be travelling for work. When he brings children up, you say, "I'm not ready yet, and especially not if you're not going to be around. Let's discuss it in a year or two".

However, I am very concerned about this high earning man who owns the house you live in who doesn't want to marry you but DOES want to have chidlren with you and who is very clearly setting you up to be primary carer. Do not have children with him unless you have some very clear financial support becuase you will have to take maternity leave and inevitably, you're the one who will have to cut hours if htat becomes an issue.

How do you split bills currently?

It was around last August but I’ve told him I’m not ready.

When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith.

He isn’t abusive - I’ve been in an abusive relationship before so that’s where my naivety and lack of self-confidence comes in. He does 50/50 house chores and doesn’t discourage me to get promotions. He has been very supportive of them.

I just don’t think he’s fully thought out how hard it is to bring up children. We’re both ambitious people but he is more successful than me and I just feel hurt he prioritises that sometimes.

Totally agree.

It sounds like you'd be making all the compromises whilst he progresses in his career etc. Sod that.

So he owns the house, he earns more than you, and he is going to apply for an inflexible job that will mean he is away and unable to help with childcare.

OP, it will very quickly “just make sense” to him for you to give up work and be a SAHM (because clearly he doesn’t intend to change his lifestyle in any way when the baby is here). And then you will be absolutely fucked.

This. It seems to be all about him and what he wants. Think about yourself and what you want. If you would rather be married before conceiving then insist on it. Wait until you are ready.

Just to say this was my position and my DH was delighted to marry me. Your partner is the one being transactional - doesn’t want you getting your hands on any of his assets or money - not very loving and caring to someone he wants to be the mother of his children. Does he not see his future with you @Milmilj ?

OP, he wants a child with you but doesn't care enough about you to marry you.
Screw that.
Focus on your worth and self respect.

You would want to be out of your mind to sell yourself so short.
He's a very selfish arsehole.
Think about it, .....you have a child unmarried and he isn't around much, the relationship falls apart and you have to leave HIS house...with YOUR child.
Have a look at what CMS would give you to work, pay childcare, and house YOUR child whilst he decides IF and when he will see his child.

Don't be the dim mug these men want.
He wants a child without any real commitment.
In your place you should have the Ick for a man who thinks so little of you and thinks you are so dim to fall for it.

That job you have is your protection and safety. Don't kid yourself that raising a baby alone with an unmarried partner will be possible with your job 1 hour away.

Complete and utter madness.
Start looking around ......this "relationship" has run it's course.

Do not fall for the "sunken cost fallacy"....and go along with this because you are two years in.
So many women do and get landed with a baby to rear at huge cost to them ALONE...with their career anfinancially taking the sole hit.

Utter stupidity to have a baby with a man who won't marry you and you want marriage....utter madness.

When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith.

Again, why is it you who needs to do the leaping and not him?

Well it’s very easy for him to say that about marriage isn’t it, because you’d be the one taking all the risk, something he’s clearly not willing to do himself. Having a baby is one of the biggest, life changing events you can go through, do not take a leap of faith with that.

Exactly
Unless you are in a much stronger position than him financially and have substantial assets of your own then do NOT have a baby while unmarried

I also don't understand why you are holidaying with your parents and not him? I mean sure, if he has more flexibility on work, then perhaps he's ALSO taking additional time off. But during the time you DO have time off, why on earth are you not spending at least some of that with him?

As for "transactional". YOu bloody bet it is. As a woman, having a baby takes a huge physical, mental and emotional toll. You need to be 100% sure that the person you're having the baby with is going to pick up the slack.

It's very manipulative to suggest that you are being transactional when he's not willing to change anything or give up anything to support you and this child he's so desperate for.

Tell him to take a leap of faith and marry you. If he won’t, then he isn’t ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood and you deserve better. You deserve a man willing to marry you and to support your career objectives.

So he wants to trap you raising his children whilst he fucks off around the world working, without giving you the protection of marriage? He expects you to wrangle your job and rearing a child with little input so he can be dad? Having children places a lot of burden and sacrifices on women through career progress, financial precariousness, lower pensions contributions and ‘the second shift’ at home. Bet he would still expect you to bear the childcare cost too. All the while he is unwilling to discuss the practicalities of all this and telling you to just have faith???
Nah mate.

Adding to above, if a child is sick while needing to prepare for an interview then your DP has to get o er themselves and be a parent.

For me YANBU, he has a want but is refusing to make time for the details, and (let me know if I'm wrong) but reading what you wrote I get the impression you're seeeing your worst future version where you have to make all the sacrifice as the parent and he'll get to be the easy going dad because he won't bother with any of the responsibility as you'll be there to do it.
So in the end you'll have to reduce your hours, or give up working. While his career will thrive because it will have to all the while, having 2 separate bank accounts where you'll have to ask him to put money in? - again let me know if I've completely misread

I think you should consider if this relationship is what you want. Or at least communicate your fears

Is he quite a lot older than you op?

Not sure how often he’ll be away yet but my thinking is that he will have no choice to help out more when at home because I cannot be flexible in my job. Doesn’t that balance it out?

We have had many arguments about marriage before children and have almost split because of it. He said he is compromising and that I have his word. After arguments he does listen and he makes compromises.

He is 6 years older than me. I am 34.

We are very financially separate. I always offer to pay my half in everything. In my previous abusive relationship, my partner took a lot of money from me so I am cautious.

Oh he has thought things out.
HE is the one who is transactional.

He thinks you are thick.

That you have a child with him, with zero security whilst he hangs on to all his assets and job away.

You juggle a child with work 1 hour away.
Whatever he feels for you it definitely isn't love.

He's just another selfish arse that fancies a child with zero commitment to assuage his male ego.

He thinks you are some dim mug to fall for it and then tells YOU that you are TRANSACTIONAL 🙄.

HE has carefully thought out exactly what works for him.

You are wasting your time with him.
God love you if you can't see it.
Don't jeopardise your future, your career, your income, to have a child with a man with so little regard and respect for you.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview.

Right there he is telling you who he is - someone who wants everything on his terms and is dismissive of your needs. And I'm sorry, what a load of bollocks, "headspace for the interview". When you have children you don't get the luxury of headspace on demand, you have to juggle and fight fires on different fronts and just be a bloody adult and get on with it.

Honestly OP, I would be reconsidering this relationship. I know things probably don't seem that bad to you right now, especially considering you've had worse experiences in the past, but having a child with this man is likely to be a disaster. All the compromise is going to be on your side, and, what's worse, he won't even recognise or value it.

Sorry but he is being abusive. Abuse starts small with the gentle coercive control. He won’t talk to you about big issues that will affect your life. You get no say in decisions effecting your future. He doesn’t want to get married, he wants to get a job with travelling so he won’t be around as much, he won’t share finances and won’t talk about what that would look like if you have a child, he wants a baby so is nagging you to come off the pill. You are extremely isolated. It’s all about his wants not yours.

He's not a prize-he’s a walking 🚩

PP had it right above, your conversation around children and marriage should be I would love to have kids one day with you, I see that in our future together. But I want to be married first. Marriage means a lot to me, it is not just an excuse for a party - and if we are ready to commit to creating a baby together, we must be ready to commit to get married If it’s a resounding no then you have your answer-and please walk away.

But the waving red flags, which you are clearly aware of at some level given that you are asking the questions here, would give me sufficient pause. You’re only 2 years in. Let him get the job. See how that settles for a good 6/12 months, before even thinking about having the conversation.

Do not stop the pill at all. And do not have a child with this man who is more interested in protecting his assets than the mother of his child.

Stay on the pill and discuss again once he's had his interview. If he won't discuss practicalities then you would be mad to ttc.

He says I need to take a leap of faith.

HA HA HA HA HA HA..

Read that back to yourself OP. Your life will change beyond recognition. Your body and mind will be knackered, your finances wrecked whilst his life will basically be unchanged (whether he stays with you or walks away) but all you need to do is cross your fingers and hope he's a "good 'un"?

EDIT - I've just realised your timeline. Hes been pressuring you to have a baby after only A YEAR together? That is deep into red flag territory - he wants you trapped.

'You have his word.'

Oh op, I'm so sorry, but this isn't a good man at all.

He gives his word he'll marry?🙄

He really thinks you are DIM.

Ask yourself why he is SO desperate NOT to marry you BEFORE children????

He is protecting his assets.

Do not inflict him on any child.
Why haven't you the Ick.

He's a creep.

I think you are in another ABUSIVE relationship.

He shuts you down when you ask questions.

He's the type of vile man that will reveal his true self, his MASK slipping, only after you are pregnant and stuck.

Just because he doesn't slap you YET, doesn't mean you are not being emotionally abused and manipulated.

Get away while you can.

This! Many many people cope. My husband spent 4-5 months of the year working away when mine were small and I had a full time job. I think you’re just in a panic and need to calm down and don’t make any TTC decisions until you are sure.