Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

Sorry if I've missed it - what compromise has he made?

Do not have children with this man a) Before you are married b) Before you can communicate effectively together.
Having children is the hardest thing you will do and the reality is they get sick, need doctors appointment, school appointments, sleepless nights, activities in the evenings, clubs/ parties at the weekends..its relentless. If your prepared to go into it as a solo parent..fine, but he doesn't sound the sort of man willing to flex in his viewpoint and lifestyle.

When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith.

Wow. Just wow OP. Please think about how wrong this is.

Compromising is not making some vague statement about marrying you in the future. Compromising is about booking a registry’s office for September then planning a pub dinner with your families and then you can start trying for children.

This man is not compromising. He is trying to control you, and have it all on his terms. He doesn’t get to decide which job works best with a family, when the marriage will be, and when you should start having children.

It’s called coercive control (or lack of commitment at best). I would have to break up with a man like this.

He's doing a nice bit of DARVO there. Turning your perfectly valid wants and concerns into a reason to position it as an attack on him.

"Suspicions". FFS.

When you have this child, how is he expecting bills to be split? You have said you're paying 50/50 and that is a huge concern for me anyway if you earn less, but what about in the context of childcare and taking time off for Mat leave? Does he have a plan for that?

"When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith. "

BULLSHIT.

The "leap of faith" means ALL the risk is on you.

Your earning potential, your security, your body.

By "transactional" he means he's not prepared to enter into a contract that provides you with some security, rather than be left high and dry with a baby.

You would be bloody mad!!

Not sure how often he’ll be away yet but my thinking is that he will have no choice to help out more when at home because I cannot be flexible in my job. Doesn’t that balance it out?

Of course he can refuse, and instead pressure you to quit your job. And no, a man’s word is not a good enough reason to have a baby, there is absolutely nothing stopping him from changing his mind. Why are you so concerned with what he wants, what he thinks, what he says rather than listening to what you want? What about considering what would be best for the baby?

No way would I be having kids with this man without marriage.

This with spades. OP, you have to process the fact that if he is avoiding difficult and important conversations now, then you're going to be looking at a future fraught with resentment and difficulty. He doesn't want to talk about it because it might involve him facing facts that are inconvenient for him. He wants kids, and he wants you to simply facilitate that for him, and he doesn't want to consider the impact on you. You don't want to have kids with an avoidant man. You really don't. He'll leave the emotional, mental and a lot of the physical load to you, and make it impossible for you to address it.

Also, if you are in a committed relationship and he is the higher earner, you should NOT be paying 50/50. You should be paying relative to your incomes.

This is how many women end up spending all their savings in paying towards half the mortgage and bills during maternity leave, because their so called “partners” request a 50/50 split even when the woman isn’t working because she has literally birthed their child.

You say he won't discuss it, but have you said to him, "Look, if you're travelling, we'll need extra childcare because I'll be working. Are you going to pay for that?"

OP - th emore I read, and the more you don't answer questions about things like why you don't go on holiday together or what the financia split is, the more I suspect you've gone from one very obviously abusive relationship to a new, also abusive but less obviously so, relationship.

OP, raising a child costs between £120k and £200k depending on where you live.

Do you have that kind of money? Would you lend him £120k and trust 'his word'. Of course you wouldn't. Don't be a fool.

Talk to him about when you have these hypothetical kids, you’d like to give them your surname because you won’t be married. I’m willing to bet you’ll have an argument because “that’s not the done thing”, “he wants his kids to have kids name”. So why don’t you get to share the name as your kids (assuming you’d change your name).

I’m really sorry to say that I think he wants kids and is happy to do that with you because you’re there. I don’t think he’ll marry you post kids. Kids are a bigger commitment that marriage, you’re tied to someone for the rest of that child’s life. I think he’s going to continue prioritising himself and that means what he wants, when he wants it, his career regardless of his caring responsibilities at home.

When he said he will marry me, I asked him why children have to be first. He said he wasn’t expecting to be met with me being so suspicious and thought I’d be happy.

Well, the red flags certainly keep getting bigger and bigger. Happy at the idea of having a baby you don't particularly want right now, while he gives you his word that one day he'll give you his word?

This all the way ^

Thanks everyone. I obviously need to have a think. He won’t marry me before children. We’ve had numerous arguments over that - as you say - the travel itself isn’t bad. It’s just another cherry on top of the bigger anxieties to hand.

I had a husband who was away 5 weeks a year for his work and that continued after we had children. I didn't have a problem with it - I managed and it also meant I could go away with my work too in return as quid pro quo. It's not the end of the world.

This.

its not what you asked but unless you are independently wealthy DO NOT try for a baby unless married.

the fact he is insisting you breed before he can decide whether you “deserve” or are “worthy” of being married to him is disgraceful.

If you stay I’d personally make my own ultimatum(since apparently he can do that) and say no children until after marriage.

ultimately though this guy does not sound like he is going to be a very thoughtful or caring life partner. Children make things more challenging for women than I could ever have imagined pre kids.

The job is the symptom, his general attitude is the disease.

think very carefully…

So even though he earns loads more things are 50/50.

He is ALL about the money.

41?.....he wants a child without any risk to his assets.

He's a creep. Last August, so one year in he wants children.

Children are a much bigger commitment than marriage.
I never understand how so many women on MN do not get that.

You can divorce and walk away and never see each other again.

With children there is a connection for life.

In real life I don't know a single woman having children outside of marriage.
They are too sensible and have too much self respect to settle for bullshit "I'll give you my word to marry at some imaginary date".

The fact that he asked last August when you were only a year in means he is very very fixated on having a child but with as little commitment as possible.

You will live to bitterly regret staying with this abusive man.

Don't do it. You're not feeling ready and I would definitely want to be married first, for your own financial security. And when/if you do decide to start a family, of course there have to be discussions about how you're going to manage jobs and childcare! If he's not willing to do that, I wouldn't even think about having a baby.

OP I think it’s a huge red flag 🚩 that he is refusing/stalling marriage prior to having children. He wants it all his own way doesn’t he? What about your feelings?

Would you be willing to leave him because he doesn’t sound very receptive to your needs at all.

No, he won’t marry you full stop.

I’m pretty sure in the olden days people had to go into work each day. I know! But somehow they coped. Incredible!

OP the travel is the least of your worries.

A man desperate for a baby with zero commitment is a big problem.

He owns the house.

If you split you'll have nothing. But now you'll also have a baby and an absent father.

No marriage, no baby, and do not compromise on that.

This x 100000
He shouldn't be shutting down the conversation and being so dismissive of you

He won't marry you.
He won't discuss logistics of his job with you.
He wont' discuss logistics of children with you.
He makes you pay half of all bills.
You don't go on holiday together.
He's been pressuring you to have children since very early in your relationship.

Are you even in a relationship? It sounds more like he's ordered a baby mama off the internet.

And I agree - tell him that obviously the baby will have your name. I bet he'll hate that.