Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

Listen to me very carefully.

He. Will. Never. Marry. You.

Once he has trapped you with a baby he will ignore your wish to be married. He will also prioritise his own career over yours.

If you are happy with that then off you go. But don't delude yourself that he will marry you after children.

"Leap of faith" is emotional blackmail. It's a version of "if you really loved me then you would..."

Good luck.

Please do have a think. He wants you to have his child but he won't commit to you and give you the financial security of marriage? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me!

Coupled with all the many red flags that PPs are eloquently pointing out, the fact he is 40 and still thinking like this is a death blow IMO.

If he was in his mid-twenties it would be different - many of us, men and women, are still very green at that age and much more likely to have an optimistic, everything will figure itself out approach to life. It wouldn't necessarily mean anything bad at heart.

But at 40 this is who he is - selfish and inflexible.

He hasn't made ANY compromise.
He has simply fed you a bullshit line to shut you up.
He wasn't expecting you to be so suspicious????
He really thinks you are dim enough to fall for his "word".

You need to match his determination to NOT marry you with determination to protect yourself from another abusive relationship.

This!!

He hasn't put a ring on your finger to protect you and a child legally and financially.

I agree with pp. He will NEVER marry you. Why does he think children are less of a commitment than marriage? It's because he can walk away unscathed. He can throw you (and his children) out of his house any time he wants, with no notice.

Think hard about how you would cope physically and mentally being homeless with children. Think hard how you could cope financially as a single parent. Think hard about why you are taking all the risks. Think hard about why he is trying to manipulate your emotions and thoughts, and why he refuses to discuss.

Think very hard about having children with a man who says "Trust me, I'm a nice guy".

Exactly.

He's looking for a baby oven, not a marriage.

He will never marry you and you will despise him and YOURSELF for being so foolish as to fall for his manipulative bullshit.

Oh and of course he would want his child to have his nsme🙄.

Wake up OP before you ruin your life.

He won’t marry you after children. He will have zero reason to, because at that point you’re stuck. You’ll have lost all bargaining power. He will continue to gaslight you while keeping his assets nice and safe so that when he wants to chuck you out, it’s easy for him.

I would run for the hills.

I'm sorry, why is it you that should take a "leap of faith"?! Surely that's what marriage is!

Tell him you want to protect yourself and future DC - if he's not sure about the relationship now, best call it quits before DC are involved. If he's not ready for marriage, he's definitely not ready for children. Marriage can be dissolved, children can't.

In your position marriage absolutely must come before kids. But I wouldn't want to marry someone who I had to grind down and argue with in order to get them to reluctantly agree to it.

If you agree to have children before marriage he will NEVER marry you.

In your situation you would be a fool to have kids unmarried. He gets everything he wants and you can just be discarded.

I would be rethinking this whole relationship. The new job is not the key issue here.

Sounds like the travel isn't really the issue.

However, I have a job that requires international travel 3/4 times a year and I've been doing that job since DS was 2. We make it work and DH just has to manage while I'm away - which of course he's perfectly capable of doing.

"In the event of our relationship ending, I not want to give you any legal protection that gives you increased financial stability, despite the fact that this will be to the direct detriment of our joint child".

This is what he is saying to you. Listen.

Yeah from your updates I feel like you’re getting a really raw deal. He’s not actually compromised YET he’s only said will “would” marry you… but he’s not has he? As soon as you have a child it “won’t be the right time/ we have other commitments”. I don’t think you’d be financially secure in the situation he’s proposing, you could be left essentially homeless with his child. I totally get there are women who have rinsed their ex husbands but come on, you’d be left making a home for him, raising his kids, sacrificing your body and all the work of labour, and the knock on mental load, a reduced pension and the impact we KNOW hits women’s careers and the lions share of running HIS house and for what? So if he kicked you out you’d have no right to anything at all?

But he wants you off the pill…

Nah, you’re getting shoved up shit creek without a paddle.

I made sure to get married before having a baby simply because it’s stressful and expensive and often gets delayed or pushed aside once you have children as has happened with so many friends of mine. It is more secure finance wise as you will suffer more financially going on mat leave he will need to support you and contribute more. I had a good job before having my baby but I just couldn’t do both and volunteered for a step down to a part time role. It’s a shame but the right decision for me. Just make sure you talk about things properly before you commit and be clear about what you want and need.

So isn't that a factor to be taken into account when deciding whether to take a job that involves going away, and indeed whether to have a child at all?

Yes this

and bluntly while 34 is absolutely NOT your “last chance” for children, time isn’t massively on your side and the window is getting smaller… you need to end it and get dating if you want kids.

this guy is never going to be more than a roommate you shag. There is no partnership.

"He won’t marry me before children."

He won't marry you after either.

But by then you'll be stuck.

And he'll still have** his house.

And you'll have nothing.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here OP.

It's not about the travel.

He knows exactly what marriage means. He doesn't want to jeopardise his 100% ownership, and that's why he won't marry you.

But he's happy for you to take all the risks.

It's a discussion you need to have but it's not an unusual situation. When my DD was born my DH worked in Europe 4 days a week, when I went back to work he still worked in Europe 4 days a week and I had a 1h 15m (at best) commute each way to the office. We sorted childcare that made it work. We don't have family near by so I found a network of nannies and carers to support us.

That said if you are not sure you want to start your family just yet then you probably need to think about what you actually want. I had to give up certain things - swimming, gym visits, weekday social life as I didn't want to outsource DC in the evenings as well as the day time. I did not mind at all as I was prepared for that and I had lived a fun life before DD so no FOMO!

She's 18 now - feels like yesterday. If I had my time again I might take more time off with her but other than that would change nothing.

”When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith.”

He’s taking advantage of your lack of confidence to minimise what’s important to you. It’s manipulative. If anyone said this to me, they’d be getting short shrift.

How can he be ready for kids but not ready for marriage? I’d want someone to be 1,000% all-in before having kids.

Yes, some people have kids before marriage - because marriage isn’t important to either of them. Or because it’s unplanned but this sounds very much planned - by him!

See if he gets the job. And if he does, I would delay any ideas of starting a family at least until he is established in the job and knows exactly how much travel it entails.
I think he is showing you how he expects it to be when kids come along - he will do whatever he wants and you will just have to work around that and deal with kids. Also, you say your job isn't very flexible, so how would that work with him regularly being away?
Personally, I wouldn't be having kids with him if he takes the job. But you say you aren't ready, so I think really this is a positive.

This is worth reposting.

he has had 20years of dating…. And still isn’t sure whether he fancies locking it in. 🤯🤯🤯😤🤬

id really recommend some counselling to get clarity on what you want for your future OP….
because you are at a crossroads and you may well bitterly regret it if you take the wrong path.

OP do you understand the difference between being married and just being in a relationship? You know that he can tell you to move out any time he likes because he owns the house and you have no rights. He can just as easily do this when you have a child.

His priority here is himself. Your priority needs to be you. It is vital for your future that you either insist on marriage before kids or walk away. This is absolutely a dealbreaker.

It's interesting that you're the one who needs to take a leap of faith while he protects himself against all risk. He wants you to have children before you're really ready because it's important to him, but he isn't prepared to marry you before having children, despite the fact that it's important to you, because he isn't ready. And he is now planning to take on a job that enables him to swan off around the world while you will be left holding the baby that you didn't even want in the first place?

This is never going to work. He wants what he wants and he doesn't care what you want. I don't think he has any intention of marrying you ever... he is simply saying that now to keep you sweet. Don't fall for it.... you have nothing to gain here and everything to lose!

You still haven’t explained why he is pro the commitment of having a child yet anti the commitment of marriage. How does he explain this?

And this “in three years” delaying tactic- what is he planning to do during these three years that he intends to remain wife-free?