Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

@ForBetterForWorseOrNot he sounds horrible.

Who owns the house? Is it yours?

YABU to marry the shallow twat! Although actually you might be financially better off to marry then divorce rather than split up before the wedding?

I assume he's a perfectly toned Adonis type?

It sounds like you need to stand up to him. Does he have any idea how those comments make you feel? I would not be allowing him to speak to me like that and then cuddle me! Why is he sending you those photos?! He should love you for who you are. Regardless if he thinks you should lose weight. Which isn’t easy particularly if you’re working full time.

Posts like this do my head in. All these blokes who are in long term relationships with homes and mortgages and kids - in other words living in every way within a traditional marriage set up - but balk at getting the formal piece of paper.

Why exactly do you ‘love him to pieces’, OP? He sounds an utter cunt.

He knows how much you want this, so not only is he messing with your head by doing the ‘yes-no-maybe’ thing, he’s wanting to hurt and punish you for how you look - which is apparently good enough to be his long term partner and mother of his children, but not good enough for him to make a public commitment to you in front of people who already see you as married in all but name. I take it this prince of a man looks like Brad Pitt, does he?

Instead of legally binding yourself to this wankstain, maybe look at this as the push you need to free yourself and live a happier life without his demands and his spitefulness knocking you back at every turn. I guarantee it’ll shock the snot out of him if you just tell him you’ve changed your mind and he needs to find somewhere else to live.

This is a good point worth highlighting again.

He absolutely doesn't deserve you but if the house is in his name only, you were a SAHM for a long period or have a much lesser pension, there are financial reasons to go ahead with marriage.

Whether these are worth the mental toll is for you to decide but if you are not ready to leave him then getting married might be better than continuing the relationship unmarried.

Perhaps he has realised this and is trying to put you off then will turn the charm back on when it's cancelled.

I'm so sorry a man put you through this. So sorry.

Also, why are you afraid to tell people what he’s saying to you? Is it because he’ll be raging if he finds out you’ve made him look bad in front of his friends and family by showing them who he really is?

Think about the dynamics in all of this - how lost and worried you sound, how he’s taunting you by dangling your happiness in front of you by a thread. He’s a horrible human being. This is not what love looks or feels like.

That is ABUSE.
Do NOT marry someone who thinks it's OK to abuse you.
Do NOT marry someone who treats you so badly.
It will NOT improve!

He's not there for you.

However you feel about him, he doesn't feel the same for you, and he has been massively disrespectful.

I suggest YOU call off the hen and wedding and let people know the reason is that you're not compatible.

Oh, and change the locks.

Gently, this is not love. People show you who they are over time. Love comes with no conditions. He is telling you that you are not enough. But you are enough. You are beautiful. You deserve a man that appreciates every single inch of you and loves you for who you are and worships every curve, every crease, every beautiful shape of your body. He isn’t the one….and I think on a level you know this too.

She should marry him if he earns more than her, is she isn’t on the title deeds and if she will financially worse off by walking away. Also if he has a pension. Then she can divorce him.

Op, it's hard to see when you're in it. But believe me. This is not normal. At all. He's controlling, abusive and a piece of shit. Where are your family and friends at your hen? Sounds like he's isolated you too. Don't marry this man. You are worth so much more. You will end up miserable.

Tenaciousbeyondallthings makes good points.

If you’re the higher earner, have a decent pension and half or more of the assets, cancel the wedding and tell people what he’s said & done.

If he has the upper hand financially and wants to continue to avoid marriage, let him do the cancelling himself. If he is willing to proceed and you can stomach it, marry him & play the long game to improve your & DCs’ circumstances when you break up.

“He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six”

Oh he realises. He absolutely realises. He does it deliberately because he wants to knock you for six. He wants to control you. He enjoys seeing you hurt. He knows that it knocks your confidence. He enjoys doing that to you. It makes him feel good to make you feel bad.

Have you ever thought about criticising someone’s appearance - thought hmmmm I wonder if it would make them feel good or bad if I criticised their appearance? Of course not. Everyone knows that criticising someone’s appearance is going to make them feel like shit.

Please don’t marry this man! He’s nasty.
That is all x

@ForBetterForWorseOrNot

On a practical note- what's your financial situation? Who owns the house? Is everything in joint names, or has he built up lots of savings and value while you have been managing the DC and house?

Because you might do better to marry him then split. Sorry.

OP if he calls it off, YOU MUST put put your own message that the "unforseen" circumstances were his stupid views on weight. Do not let this man's nastiness hide, expose it to the light.

Raise your bar!

He’s an utter wanker, stop being treated like shit by a useless fucking man.

Do not marry him! What example are you setting your children by listening to his shit.

I think another red flag here apart from the obvious is that your hen party is mostly made up of his family, I’m guessing over time he’s controlled you and damaged your self esteem to such a point that you have no longer got many friends of your own?

This is not an environment to raise children in.

Please don't marry him. You are worth so much more.

I went to a slimming club for about 18m with a older bride to be. I was her bridesmaid. At the reception, her new husband leant over and whispered to me, 'Can you take her back to the slimming club because she's so fat and I hate it'. I was horrified for her. She looked amazing and he said that nasty thing on such a special day. I suggested that he join us as he was packing an extra stone or three. He didn't speak to me after that.

I think you need to think with your head and not your heart.

Would there be financial benefits to getting married?

If the answer is no then end the relationship and tell everyone the reasons why.

It will be hard for a while, but I really do think that eventually you will be much happier without him. That will make you a better mum. If you have a daughter, how would you feel if she is treated like this in the future?

Please don’t marry him. If he is this cruel and controlling now, goodness knows how he will be when he got you more trapped.

I suspect your weight is to do with your emotional well-being. How can you build self worth and look after that beautiful body that transports you around, when you have that kind of negativity (and you are holding the mental load as well as earning money in a job you hate).

Im not quick to say LTB but I really think you should. Definitely don’t marry him.

I just wanted to add that you should lose weight after you end things with him. It is about your health - not about him.

No amount of money is worth putting up with emotional abuse. Her self worth and well-being are priceless.