Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

What is your financial situation? He sounds controlling? Have you always done what he wants?

Sending you images and essentially calling you overweight is disgusting. To then say he’d call off the wedding for this is awful and would make me have second thoughts.

Have you explained how hurtful his comments are and how terrible he makes you feel about yourself?

I understand it’s hard to just walk away, it also seems like you don’t want to but would rather tell his family what he said. That’s fine if you want to do it but I don’t think it will help.

Sitting him down and telling him how hurtful his comments are is important as he needs to realise how awful he is being.

Personally I wouldn’t marry him. I know the lead up to weddings can be extremely stressful and this is often when people get doubts but it’s also meant to be such an exciting time. You don’t want your wedding day to be filled with doubts and insecurities of if you’re good
enough for him. Realistically you’re far better than him!
If he can say these things on the lead up to your wedding then I dread to think what he’d say to you once you’re married.

I gained a ridiculous amount of weight when pregnant. I then couldn’t lose it and tried so hard but for me. My dh sat me down one night and said that he loved me, that I gave him the life he wanted and that nothing will change for him. He reassured me that he thought I was beautiful no matter how I felt about myself.
You have supported this man, you have brought your children into this world, he shouldn’t be focussing on your weight.

Omg
OP you are amazing. Dedicated mother, held down a full time job and trained for another.
You definitely don't need him!
He's actually very unkind and likes you to be sad. Think about that.
I think you need to shock him at the very least, give him an ultimatum and do a trial separation. Then you may realise you need to end this.

OP this man does not value you. You have stood by him no matter what. He forces you into a job you don't like because it earns more money. He likes to belittle you and see you hurting because it makes him feel better seeing you feel small. Wake up, he doesn't love you he just loves controlling and manipulating you. It makes him feel important. He's not a big catch. He'll continue to put you down for fun. He knows you're sensitive about your weight so he is using it to punish you. If it wasn't your weight it would be something else. Can't you see you deserve so much nicer and better than him? If you marry him you'll just have more years of misery ahead then he'll cheat on you and blame you for being overweight. Send the message to your hen party the wedding is off because your fiance thinks you are too fat to marry. Then pack up and go away for a few days alone. Maybe treat yourself to a spa hotel stay. Get a few treatments. See if your Mum will look after the kids for a couple of days. Do not take him back. You can't unheard the words he said to you.

I used to be a size 12, long time ago. I'm now a 16 after having 2 DC and being a SAHM. Dh doesn't care and still loves me. I also think it's controlling, what's he like when you go out with friends?

Hang on OP. Before you chuck him out - who has the money? Whose house do you live in?

If you have more assets than him do not marry him. If you are living in his house then do marry him - purely to secure your share of the family resources for your children.

He's not a nice man. I would bet he is coercively controlling- the job, the weight think, plus tiny things like your hen night is all HIS family...

He has too much power.
You say you have changed jobs because he wanted you to earn more? And you do not like your current job.
And there is fat too many "he wanted...." in your OP.
I would label this controlling and he an arsehole. And he can get lost. He is nothing but a prick who cannot even have a good holiday, let alone a good happy wedding. Who would want to spend 5 minutes in this idiot's company?

What a cunt.

Even if you do marry him, how do you come back from this? Save yourself the hassle of a divorce.

He is not a good man, nor a decent one. You deserve so much more.

He isn't a prize worth winning.
His behaviour is so, so cruel OP.
Everyone else has said it better than me, but could you honestly cope with a lifetime of this?
Putting up with him belittling and humiliating you because the odd moment where he's relatively loving towards to you makes it worthwhile? No, that's abusive.
You do not have to marry this nasty, controlling piece of work.
I can only imagine how much you must be hurting right now after what he's done, and I wonder where your confidence levels are after 15 years of him.
He's a pig.

I would keep my powder EXTREMELY dry. Depending on your situation.

Case law on divorce has seen huge changes in what is considered a long marriage. The length of time a couple have lived together before getting married is also relevant. Where there has been a period of ‘seamless cohabitation’ before the marriage that period of time is often also added to the ‘length of the marriage’. So in many circumstances and particularly for younger couples who are more likely to live together these days before getting married, the relevant question will be ‘when did you start living together?’ as opposed to ‘when did you get married?’

So depending on your own situation... is your name on the house, ? If you have been the lower earner ? I bet he has a better pension than you as he hasn't birthed kids and earns more...

For the pension alone I would keep my mouth shut.. even perhaps make a show of 'dieting' to get him back onside... marry him. It's a legal contract. Then unless he has had a personality transplant, start to make exit plans with a pension sharing order and half of ALL your family assets.

You only get CMS if you don't marry and if you don't own the house you will lose a fuckload for you and your kids by throwing your toys out the pram when you are only six weeks away from having all your hard work of this relationship and child raising legally recognised.

OTOH if you don't own a house, have no pensions and little in savings. Blow it out and tell the hens/family exactly why.

Oh, op - Fuck him. If this were happening to your daughter/son, what advice would you give? "Oh darling, you should stay with him, I know he's being abusive and nasty but just stay".

Fuck. Him.

OP him taking pictures of you and sending them to you is NOT normal. This does not happen in a healthy relationship. Please get financial/legal advice and call the wedding off, you are worth more than this.

Yes. This.

He can't possibly love you Op.

I think that you should as a matter of urgency seek legal advice.

He took photos of you, zoomed in on them and sent them to you?! How mean and what kind of response did he expect from you, to live on lettuce for the next 6 weeks. Instead HE gave YOU the silent treatment, yet another form of emotional abuse.

Losing weight is so much more complex than just not eating as much, it has a massive connection to our mental wellbeing and the other things you mention about your job and having lots going on is not going to help you being able to take the time effort and focus on losing weight.

He is an abusive bully that clearly doesn't appreciate the other things you have been doing. He is shallow and he is showing you exactly who he is.

He’s shown you who he is @ForBetterForWorseOrNot.

Believe him!

Hes controlling. There will always be something that’s not good enough for him. Is he like that with the kids too? He probably will be in future. Do yourself and them a favour and get out asap. Look into your situation - finances, house etc - who owns/controls what. You need to get yourself secure and then leave. That’s no way to live!

What a horrible man (if you can even call him that, as he sounds very immature). Why, also, would your Hen night consist of only him & his family? Where are your friends & family. I would take this as an early 'gift', whereby you've finally had insight into how shallow & hurtful he is. Turn it round & thank him for making you realise that, yes, the wedding should be called off as you've realised you cannot possibly marry such a shallow person & you will be rethinking your entire life which no longer includes him as a partner or husband. Use his vileness to give yourself a massive kick up the arse to finding your own strength & self esteem, and also to kick him out!! Don't allow yourself to be so badly treated. And please don't marry him - call his bluff & find yourself.

Please don’t marry him, it sounds like you might be in a domestically abusive relationship, you need to get out and get the kids away from seeing this. If one of your children or your best friend said they were in a similar situation, what would you tell them to do?
Getting married should be one of the happiest times but this will always be what you remember now. He has pressured you to work a job you hate, how often is he telling you you’re not good enough when doing something (work, losing weight, looking after the home? Bringing up the kids?) why is your hen all his family and him? Where are your friends? Your family?
I think if you looked at your relationship deeply, you might find that it is not healthy for you at all.

He doesn't care about your feelings. Getting married should be a special time even when you have been together a long time . It should evoke feelings of love and giddiness.

You should call off the wedding, tell people you want to know he has been treating you poorly and you no longer want to marry him. Make it clear to him you are thinking about whether you want to be in the relationship at all.

Take control and demand better. And definitely think about why you want to be with someone who treats you so cruelly.

Run for the hills

You deserve so much better. 💐

Yes I think you should call it off. Don't wait for him to do it. It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt. But DO NOT marry this man.

Please don’t marry him. End the relationship and tell everyone why. You are worth more than this man.

Op you can't see it but he is emotionally abusive. Please don't marry him. You deserve better! He should want to marry you as he loves you even if your hair is yellow with pink spots! This is a massive red flag which why everyone is telling you to leave him. Step back and have a rethink.

This is emotional abuse. I’m sure it’s highly likely this isn’t the only incident where he puts you down and makes you feel worthless. Why is it all his family coming to your hen? Does he allow you to have your own friends? Don’t marry this guy, I know it seems like a lot to leave someone after a long time but you are worth more than this. You get one life. How would you feel if your kids were being told the same from their partner? Speak to womens aid if you need to, they can offer lots of support. Sending strength.