Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

Nasty, cruel man. This is the tip of the iceberg. He will get worse.

You deserve better. Seek support from family and friends and don’t be embarrassed. Tell them what is going on and let them support you.

A person should only lose weight for themselves for health reasons. He sounds controlling and coercive and if it is not weight he will pick on something else. Only you can decide if you want /need to lose weight. No one else. This is definitely a red flag. Good luck!

I think you should forward the messages to people saying due to obvious reasons the wedding will no longer be going ahead

You can also make decisions in your life for the sake of your own happiness.
He's obviously awful. Do not marry him. It doesn't matter if you've been together 15 years. If my partner spoke to me like that I'd chuck him out.

This is the best advice here OP. He's not on your side. Please think of your future and your children.

It sounds like you are hoping his family will shame him into marrying you. They should know what he has done, but not for that reason - instead, tell everyone because you need support (from your friends, not his family) as you dump him.

How much would you have to despise someone to do what he has done? That's how he views you. Why would you want to marry him?

What you feel isn't love - it's a biochemical addiction to his intermittent reinforcement - you know, the times when he is nice to you. Those times that are less and less with every passing year.

By focussing on the 15 years that have passed, you are falling for the Sunk Costs Fallacy. Instead, focus on how many years you will waste if you stay with him in any form.

Too many posters saying "Don't marry him" without knowing whether your financial security depends on it.

If not, then LTB obviously. It sounds as though he's casting around for a reason to reject you anyway, unless he's just being cruel for the fun of it.

Think I agree with this.

but there’s no excuse for his cruel behaviour about your weight.

I know it will be hard so soon before the wedding but best to at least pause and really think about whether you want to marry this man.

The reason people are warning not to marry him is because there's no way on earth that he will go through with it, however much OP tries.

Take the initiative. Call it off. Tell everyone wia WhatsApp or email exactlyvwhy
He will look like the complete arsehole he is
Please don't continue living with this shallow and cruel person. What is he goingcto say to your kids if they don't fit his perfect image at a later date?

Walk.

You are worth more than this twat.

Sunk cost fallacy, don't throw away any more time on this situation just because you have been in it for 15 years.

The best revenge for an arsehole messing with your head ... is to serve it up cold.

By marrying him (if he has anything more than you) .. you are investing in you and your family's future.

Those saying 'don't marry' this close to legally securing what is morally yours through 15 years of child rearing house cleaning and pandering to an arsehole are not thinking straight. Think about yourself and your kids.

Get thee down that aisle .. at a sprint !

Best advice here.

Wow what an awful thing to say. Has he done anything like this before?

Do not marry this man!

I really started to believe when he said that he would be marrying me regardless that he meant it. I guess now I know he doesn't think I'm worth it.

Of course he will, because he’s aiming to break your confidence and control you. He wants to marry you, just a broken version of you. Perhaps he’s planning on affairs so he needs you to think you can’t do better and leave him.

Yes, 15 years is a long time. But the rest of your life is longer.

What would you tell your daughter or your best friend?

If he apologies in the morning, don’t accept it. Look back at what you’ve written here, he’s not gone a bit further than he was planning, or got a bit drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Sorry but I doubt this is his only issue. He sounds quite emotionally abusive

This!! Does he by any chance refer to marriage as “just a piece of paper” and did you have to push like fuck to get him to agree to marry you at all?

I think sadly he’s just using this as an excuse. I suspect there will always be a reason why he just can’t go through with the wedding ‘yet’

OP
listen to this advice

I'm thinking the same thing. Because common law long term relationships don't provide any security in the event of separation (divorce), getting married is your best option. Then divorce the sorry fuck as soon as possible.

Don't leave the decision up to this prick,

Take control and end it. He sounds abusive and I agree that there is likely more you haven't told us about his behaviour.

You deserve better and so do your children. He doesn't love or respect you and it's time to bin him.

Yes it's messy splitting when you have kids and financial ties but it's less messy long term than staying with a man who belittles you and makes you feel like shit.

Do not go ahead with the wedding and make it your choice to end it rather than being manipulated and held to ransom by him.

I agree with PP, a lot depends on your financial situation and how you are paying for stuff and own stuff.

Marriage is a contract, nothing more - it either gives you financial stability or it weighs you down in debt.

Love has nothing to do with marriage.

And the children will still have two parents.

I bet you’re the higher earner, look after the kids and house whilst he’s down the pub?

Even a night off every other weekend would be worth separating for.

My friend is overweight, when she was getting married she signed up to a shake replacement plan to lose weight. Her fiance found out and told her not to do that. He said just get a dress that fits sonyou don't have to worry about losing weight. I remember thinking what a lovely man, accepting her as she is, not allowing her to starve herself to look thinner. She looked beautiful on her wedding day. Your fiance should love you as you are. To send pictures of you and saying youre overweight, is bullying and mean. Personally I'd have a chat and ask him if he really wants to go ahead or cancel? If he wants to cancel, I'd do it.

Why would you love to bits a man who controls you? Wants to control your weight, your job…? Marriage should not be conditional on your weight! He should love you anyway shouldnt he… You have stood by him, but he is not standing by you. He knows full well his comments hurt you, but still does it? Sending you photos is cruel.

Don’t waste another 15 years….dont marry him. The wedding is off he said because you haven’t done what you were told and lost the weight - stick to that, the wedding is off.

I can promise you it's not your weight. I've briefly dated someone like this. You could have lost 4 stone overnight and he'd have objected to it - you would have done it wrong- and he would have immediately started picking on another perceived flaw, the more permanent and unchangeable the better.

In this mans case he had to find something to object to/ be "offended" by in every meeting/conversation. I'd be messaged hours after the fact- where he'd have left or hung up quite happy and smiley - told my offence and that he was cross, I was an awful person etc and that he was leaving my life / not speaking to me again. He always eventually "came back" but there were always hoops to jump through or catches to have and keep his attention or risk the threat of being cut off. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes you could actually hear the gears whirring in his mind to seek a perceived offence to use to assert control. Once I saw this, it all made sense. I can promise you OP that if you made an effort to crash diet or something now, he'd immediately comment on how he doesn't like that it's come off your boobs, your jaw line looks funny, your hair is still xyz. It's not about you. It's all window dressing for controlling you. It's all buttons to press.

Only you know whether you want to stay and get hitched or not, tell everyone what he has said or not. If you leave after marrying it's harder to split but you may get more.

As an aside, I was bigger when we got married. I did care but DH didn't and there's no way I would've called it off and neither would he.

Brilliant advice about your finances etc by previous posters.
whatever happens do not give up your life to a man who treats you like this. Even if you do marry him, as soon as possible you should leave and find someone who loves you for who you are.