Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

The friend must of felt it was alluding as she blocked/abused op.

No it bloody doesn’t matter if it bothered him or not OP. I cannot believe the people on this thread trying to justify this behaviour. I’ve just told my own DH (father of our 4 now adult children) and he is absolutely horrified. He also said straight away the the guy had set a scene by saying your DD’s nappy needed changing and you were lazy to your ‘friend’

This turned my blood a little cold. This is completely unacceptable & inappropriate. Not because he is a man but because NO ONE should be stripping your child naked & cleaning their genitals without explicit consent from the parent. I find it also outrageous that some random stranger who you barely know would comment on your parenting & then cross such a boundary. He would have had the sharp end of my tongue immediately & your friend is NO FRIEND.

My own mother doesn’t change my daughter’s nappy without asking me first! Please don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re in the wrong. You are your child’s advocate.

He told the GF it should’ve been done hours ago to give him an excuse to do it….plain sight. Just like bloody abusers tell their victims to do cartwheels etc by asking them about things they do in school.

I’m really not sure what your point is?

It's completelyninapproproate and would raise the hairs on the back of my neck.

Most blokes go out of their way not to risk looking like paedos e.g. if they are pushing their children on swings and a child joins in, they look around uncomfortablely for the parent because theybdont want to touch themnor look like they are seeking out contact. Same at soft play etc.

Normal men do their level best not to be alone with a child or to touch one. They don't want to open themselves up to any risks because they know everyone considers men a higher risk to children - even dads do it - and they don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

It's weird and too much like hiding in plain sight.

🤔 I questioned what her exact accusation was I wasn't making a point

When I had messaged her she was out with her family and she had sent me a long message at 12, so I didn't reply, at about 8pm she messaged me again to say she was raging at me and that's when she said the nappy should have been changed hours ago,so I'm not sure of that convo was said while I was in the toilet or if she's spoken to him snd he's said well she should have done it hours ago then I wouldn't have needed to she was being lazy etc my friend was like he was just trying to do right by the baby,I mean she had only been in the nappy a few hours included over a nap time and it wasn't that full,hes acting like she'd been in it 3 bloody days, also there was a change mat in my bag, even i don't change her on my lap,so her naked bum was right on his lap,I went to my sisters earlier, she has 2 girls and she agreed she thought it was inappropriate and that she wouldn't be comfortable with it and she wouldn't like it, my friend handled it badly, L said that she had said the nappy needed changing cause it was full not "B can you change her nappy please as I'm cooking" even if she had said that wouldn't he have said well her mum is only having a wee shell be back soon,or ill just check with her mum first etc like did he think I'd be happy with him just going ahead, unrelated to that but he also told her off for going to a plug by saying no quite loudly at her causing her to run back over to me he also tried to give her chocolate as i was getting ready to leave even tho earlier when we had a biscuit I said she couldn't have chocolate and was like here quick, he was eating an ice cream and a bit came off and he went o give it to her, what a prick

I'd be fucking apoplectic! How fucking dare he?!?!?! How dare your friend allow that?
I'd be (visually only) inspecting my baby after that, just to be on the absolute safe side. Who care what it "implies" about this man, the fact is you don't know him! I'd do the exact same if it was the girlfriend of a male friend. Sex is irrelevant

I'll prob be flamed for this but honestly, if your friend wasn't even in the room then I'd probably be going to the police to have them investigate this. This is serious, he could have done ANYTHING in those couple of minutes he was essentially alone with full access to her genital area! My god, I wouldn't even change my best friend's baby without permission (why would I want to anyway?) let alone a bloody strangers' baby

@BowlOfNoodles It's 'his' not he's.

He's is short for he is. His means belongs to him

Agree with your friend who told you to flag it (fellow probation officer here!), no harm in a Sarah's Law. Your friend sounds deluded steer clear she has no boundaries.

Trying to give her chocolate so she’ll go to him in future…No no no!

Couldn't care less English isn't my first language. Cheers 👌

@BowlOfNoodles Therefore you should appreciate the help, no?

I do not thanks.

your last post OP confirms he didn’t use a changing mat and had her naked in his lap near his groin area to change her nappy- I’m sorry to say this because it’s horrible for you to contemplate but I would want his phone checked for photos. Don’t care if friend was there with her back turned saying there’s no chance. Again how you’ve approached this is absolutely appropriate and you are being a great mum and protector of your daughter. It is reminding me of the podcast Hunting Warhead and the later episodes where the imprisoned child abuser talks about access and opportunity and seizing it when and where you can however fleeting the chance.

You are questioning her judgement, and quite rightly so - she’s demonstrably made a careless decision. The defensiveness about it and lack of apology would have me cutting her off without a second thought.

For flip sake she was taken aback. Op only went to the flipping loo and wasn't expecting this. Ppl can react this way as their brain takes it all in..OK best way would have been to speak up but it's obviously not always as easy as that.

I mean me saying something to him after he'd already done it wouldn't have changed much in the moment,I'd have potentially started a row with both of them vs me with my baby in the middle if it and my son upstairs, it could have been upsetting for them and then id have to get my son down and ready to leave asap etc and it's an hours drive back, and it kinda took time to really register how it felt to me,I'm quite laid back and was quite taken aback when I walked back in, didn't really dawn on me till the calm and silence of the drive home

Read the text she sent her friend, she posted it earlier in the thread.

Yes I asked before she posted it. And at the time it wasn't made clear that the he'd not even used a changing matt! And used hes lap! I sincerely have no idea what she can do about it! But that 20 year friendship wouid be absolutely over with for me.

You have taken your time to directly quote me on this thread yet your typing is atrocious.

“For flip sake” is the sort of phrase I would expect a 6 year old to use. “Ppl” sorry again how old are you?

This! I wouldn’t have changed my niece or nephew’s nappies when their parents were there unless they asked me to help them out! He’s overstepped massively.

She is being very foolish not to understand why you would be concerned. I’ve just asked my DH what he thinks and he responded very clearly - no way would he change someone else’s baby’s nappy.