Me or friend

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

No one normal would ever do this.

I understood what your post said, but trying to make out OP was inappropriate for raising this shows you have zero understanding around safeguarding.

Thanks for everyone's views,helps to know I'm not overreacting as my friend said I was, police station for a meeting tomorrow, haven't heard from my friend at all since the message Sunday that was quite hurtful

What's the police meeting for? Wondering if that's a step too far?

I thought somebody might. Of course the blame must rest on a neurotic mum for overreacting; anywhere else but on men for whom society insists on making every excuse in the book.

In actuality there are no innocent excuses for his conduct.

The fact that the police actually want to see you OP suggests there might be something to tell. Underreacting is really inadvisable in concerning situations like these and I hope you'll ignore comments such as the one above.

No it's not a step too far! I did comment earlier in the post but for some reason my comment didn't go on but after I just read the OP I said I thought she should go to the police. I said I'm a mum of 5 but would never change anyone else's baby even my own neice unless I was specifically asked to, its definitely strange and even if he thought the nappy was full or the friend asked him to change the nappy he should have said "well she will be back in a min so she can do it" even if she had done a poo it could still wait till her mum got back. No one should just change anyone else baby unless the mum is not there and won't be back for a while! I'm not sure if the police will do anything but at least they will have a note about him on the system in case anything happens in future and maybe they might speak to him and if they do and he is innocent then he will rrealise how serious it is what he has done and will never make that mistake again. But like others have said most men dont like changing their own kids nappies I mean who does but it's something we have to do as parents so I really can't see why someone who didn't need to or have to did.
I would be horrified if I was round a friends and came back from going toilet to find a man just changing either of my babies nappies! There is just no reason for it. I think I would also tell any mutual friends you have about it especially if they have children so they don't take their kids round there or if they do they will be on their guard and not leave their kids around him.

Why do you?

They’re both fucking weirdos, him for immediately and opportunistically changing the nappy as soon as you left the room and her for allowing it.

Block her back.

He absolutely did leap to change that nappy. You sound very naive.

I don't know.

His actions were completely out of line.

I would worry that there is 1% chance that he was being innocently helpful and now he could have ruined his whole life.

I'm on OP's side.

How long does it take for the Claire's law information?

The meeting is likely to gather more information arround the incident, if there is anything to disclose it's likely they won't disclose to me as my child has no need to ever have further contact with this man,tho as I am friends with the person he's living (at the tome of reporting anyway)with they may tell me as to not go there when he is there to safeguard her,it's more likely they'll tell her if they think her children are at risk,tho she has boys so they may not be at risk. Obviously it's not likely he's a convicted pedophile but if no one ever reported concerns then nothing would ever get prevented or caught until something more serious happend,it's builds a pattern of behaviour ,it's worrying you don't think this is an incident of note and you don't think I should take steps to safeguard mine or anyone else's children

Clares law is for domestic abuse, sarahs law is for sexual assaults against children

This is ridiculous. Calling the police is completely unnecessary. Did he overstep the mark? Yes. Did he probably think he was helping? Yes. Could you have aired your views and said you were uncomfortable, told her that, cut ties and just left it? Yes. But you called the bloody police. Absolutely nuts.

Yes you are doing exactly the right thing, if he is innocent I doubt it will ruin his whole life he will just know better than to ever do anything like this again. Bu like people have said most men already know this plus dislike changing nappies anyway so it makes me doubt it was innocent. Have you mentioned ot to any mutual friends?

I dont think you understand, sarahs law allows you to request information about someone,so if he has any convictions they will discuss with either me or my friend or anyone else who may need to know

Neither he nor my friend will know I've made this request so I doubt it'll ruin his life

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you called the police on him. Thank you for educating me.

If of course he is a convicted pedophile and this inconveniences his life then I frankly couldn't care less,so we will see

And if he isn't, this siutation could teach him a thing or two about safeguarding and what is and isn't appropriate behaviour around children. Other friends could then have the information necessary to protect their own children. So not wasted, either way.

It's unlikely they will even speak to him if there is nothing on his record of any concern, but if anyone else raises a concern over inappropriate behaviour in the future it will add to a bigger picture and speak to a pattern of behaviour and will only allow the police or other care givers to be able to protect children

I read that the ops friend said she needs changing her nappy is full and first hand somebody saying for example I couid do with a tea or the bin needs changing = do it. I've said its absolutely overstepping/inappropriate as fuck and unhinged. We've since been told this was on hes lap and my position changed to wowser that's creepy. But I highly doubt he can be charged with anything all op can do is stay the hell away from them.

I do think it's an incident of note

It doesn't even make sense. If the nappy was that bad, she should have said something or left it. Parents consent on behalf of children. Even in the doctors they say "can I examine her?".

IMO the doubling down means she is likely to be a vulnerable woman who will adjust her boundaries to accommodate a man. You saying something threatens her mental safety that this is a "Good man" which is what she wants to believe.

Stay away from her. As you've seen, there is no reasoning with someone on that path and no good will come to you and your kids.

I think you have done the right thing to protect your DC, I would have nothing more to do with your friend either, she has very poor boundaries and has reacted in such an aggressive manner as deep down she knows you are right.

Also if she was so busy in the kitchen cooking, how did she know if your DC needed a nappy change or not, that part of her story is not adding up to me? It seems she is fully intent on defending this guy, a man that won't even claim to be in a relationship with her.

We've since been told this was on hes lap and my position changed to wowser that's creepy.

Well, no. The very first post from OP says ‘came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy’.

And yours was the first response accusing OP of calling him a predator.

all op can do is stay the hell away from them.

But it’s not is it? OP has contacted the police, which could be really helpful for L’s sons.