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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that in a functional household....

339 replies

RedWineSupernova · 09/07/2024 07:46

.....the parent of high school age children should be up before the kids and should oversee the getting ready for school, making sure everyone is leaving on time with everything they need etc, being on hand to help with any uniform issues/anything else going wrong etc.

Not sleeping in later than DC due to having stayed up late playing video games with their mates?

Parent has normal job wfh. No shift work. No illnesses or any other issues that would mean they need to sleep in later.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PregnantWithHorrors · 09/07/2024 08:08

Assuming no AN, a 15 year old should not be having uniform issues. The parent really shouldn't need to be providing practical help by that age.

I would however normally expect them to be up before the 15 year old leaves the house in order to say hello. As distinct from up before the 15 year old is up per se, that's over egging the pudding.

HolyMolyMan · 09/07/2024 08:08

No its fine, she's 15 not a baby. I have a 15 year old, I'm awake each morning before her, but not for that reason. She doesn't need me whatsoever I could stay asleep if I wanted to.

itsgettingweird · 09/07/2024 08:09

If the household is functional why would an adult need to facilitate a teen getting ready for school?

Genuine question as I always had to help my ds due to his send. But at secondary school age I could sort myself out.

BingoMarieHeeler · 09/07/2024 08:11

…… aaaaand the lying in parent is a man, right? 🙄

I agree with you OP. It doesn’t mean you are doing everything for the teen, but it’s nice and civilised and it’s nice to know someone wants to see you and cares enough to see you off in the mornings.

betterangels · 09/07/2024 08:14

I don't see the problem at 15. She can get herself ready and be out of there. Unless she has a problem with it, let it go.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 09/07/2024 08:16

I wfh and get up about the same time as my 16 yr old.

I don't need to oversee her getting ready but I do make sure she's had breakfast and has something to take with her food wise.

Staying up late, playing video games and not contributing towards family life isn't on imo. Once in a while is ok, but not on a regular basis. If nothing else even teens like a bit of human interaction in the morning and to feel like their parents care about their well being

LokiCroc · 09/07/2024 08:17

Why? My DC are independent and get themselves up and out to school without Mummy or Daddy congratulating them or making their breakfast or lunchbox since age 11. Way too much pandering going on.

My household is functioning better, it would seem, as we all get up and sort ourselves out for school/ work etc.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/07/2024 08:17

I always got up before the kids, it was just normal for me. Even when my son was doing A levels I’d get up and make him breakfast. I did sometimes pop back in bed with a cup of coffee though when he was getting ready but I’d always go back downstairs and wave him off. Unless I was working or ill I would always wave them off even at that age.

ButterCrackers · 09/07/2024 08:18

The video games need to stop and they need proper sleeping patterns. With teens it’s ok to let them get up themselves and ready. it’s good to be up and visible in the morning.

W0tnow · 09/07/2024 08:18

i think most kids should get themselves up and ready for school without adult intervention by about 12. That said, I’m always up with them. Sometimes it’s my favourite part of the day. I do fire up the coffee machine and make a coffee for whoever wants one. They are late teens now.

It’s not pandering. It’s a normal household.

charlie10k · 09/07/2024 08:20

All my 3 teen children are capable of getting themselves up and out the door in the mornings for school. However, I get up with them because as a parent I see it as my duty to support them. I also think it's important to set a good example.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/07/2024 08:23

My DH said he felt really sad that his mum stayed in bed each morning, leaving him to fend for himself for school. I think his dad was up but had some fancy job he had to drive to so didn't do breakfast etc.
I took it for granted that my dad walked me to the station after waking me, (when he was alive) and my mum was also there making me breakfast, helping with my clothes, bag etc.
I think for some kids it matters. I didn't particularly appreciate it at the time but I would never have been organised enough to get myself out the door on time by myself aged 12-13.
By 14 I was getting myself up and ready and out the door, but my mum was around for breakfast/moral support as she had work an hour later. Which I guess was nice.

blackheartsgirl · 09/07/2024 08:23

It depends. I work from 7 till half nine 3 mornings a week and 14 old dd gets herself up and out by 7.50.

the morning I’m not I don’t get up but I am awake.

TeenLifeMum · 09/07/2024 08:24

I am usually in bed when dc leave for school. I get up, do lunches, make hot drink, go back to bed. My dc are 12-16 and just get up, do their routines and get to school. They don’t need me project managing their morning - I’ve given them the skills to be independent.

I’m not lazy - work full time in a stressful role, studying for a masters around this. I’m really not a morning person and this works for our family.

burninglikefire · 09/07/2024 08:24

My children are all adults now, but I always got up well before they left to go to school. Generally, they didn't need me once 13ish but it just felt nicer for me, and hopefully for them, to have some family interaction before we all set off to school/work. It might help that I am a morning person!

TheStickySweethearts · 09/07/2024 08:24

The younger ones need guidance, my 12yo cannot be trusted to consistently brush teeth or remember this and that but id love to think that in another year or two she'd be capable. I think lying in bed like that is a bit of a lazy shit example but to each their own.

Motheranddaughter · 09/07/2024 08:25

You do realise that lots of parents of teenagers have to leave for work before the DC get up
In my functional home there is always lots of uniform washed and ironed and away ,breakfast and snack options and cash if they need any
But i leave for work at 7.30 so they are on their own
Mine are perfectly capable of sorting out their books etc,at secondary stage how would i even know what they needed
And all good prep for when they go to uni

rookiemere · 09/07/2024 08:27

I was going to say @TeenLifeMum that some us are morning larks and some night owls.

Absolutely no problem for me to get up early and didn't mind much taking DS to his early morning gym training sessions for 7 as it was a nice opportunity to chat, but when he started staying out late, there's zero way I can stay up past midnight or pick him up at that time, which some people also regard as bad parenting.

rainymcrainrain · 09/07/2024 08:28

I think it's ok. It's not a bad thing for her to learn different ways of being taken /not taken care of. Latchkey kids are independent and resourceful.

I understand it's irritating given you put in the effort and typically, he doesn't.

Twodozenroses · 09/07/2024 08:29

I think it’s nicer if the other parent is up and awake but at 15, not a necessity. I would be up for mine though like you op

mitogoshi · 09/07/2024 08:30

I got myself up as I started early! My dc got themselves up too, always saw them off but I showered after they left as I left an hour later.

mrsm43s · 09/07/2024 08:30

I don't think there's a problem with what he's doing.

You do things your way, your ex gets to do things his way. It's not your job to control how he does stuff. This is not a situation where your DD is at any kind of risk at all, you just choose to do things differently (not better) to him. So you need to butt out and leave him to it.

MalbecandToast · 09/07/2024 08:31

When my DD was 15, I left the house for work as she got up, so no I wasn't there to make her a cup of tea and breakfast. She was more than capable of doing this herself and she is a perfectly well-adjusted young adult now

GinForBreakfast · 09/07/2024 08:32

It's all about context. Objectively, a 15 year old should be capable of getting themselves out of the door. In fact as parents it's the kind of independence that we should be encouraging. They are also capable of switching on lights and radio.

If you were a shift worker then I wouldn't shame you for not being there in the morning. So it is a nice thing, not a necessity.

However, also as parents, it's good to be able to hang around so if they want to chat you're there to listen.

Don't obsess over your ex's behaviour. It's not going to change and it's not productive to dwell on it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/07/2024 08:32

I’m up before my kids, I like the quiet mornings and need to see to the dog, they’re pretty independent though so don’t need to me organise them etc.