to think that in a functional household....

[RedWineSupernova]

.....the parent of high school age children should be up before the kids and should oversee the getting ready for school, making sure everyone is leaving on time with everything they need etc, being on hand to help with any uniform issues/anything else going wrong etc.

Not sleeping in later than DC due to having stayed up late playing video games with their mates?

Parent has normal job wfh. No shift work. No illnesses or any other issues that would mean they need to sleep in later.

AIBU?

You are absolutely right, OP and I’m amazed by the number of posters and voters saying you’re not. A real insight into the slobbiness of people. A parent is responsible for the care of the young people in the house and a role model too.

Really? Even if they had been unwell or working until 2am?

I'm really surprised at how rigid so many people on here seem to be about parenting and showing people you care. Getting up with your teenagers doesn't make someone more caring than someone who doesn't.

Getting up early doesn't automatically mean you care or that you're a good role model.
Getting up late doesn't automatically make you a "slob".

Maybe look outside your little bubble and realise that there are lots of ways to be a good and present parent.

If you’re in bed, you’re not present are you.

Of course. Absolutely. I have not met that child though.

Those criteria were never mentioned. Being unwell/having been at work are not the same as just not getting up to be the present parent. Even if you are sitting silently in a corner, you can still be present.

My eldest DD's are 14 & 16 and they are fully responsible for getting themselves up and ready for school. For making sure they give me their uniform to me to wash (the 16yo actually does her own washing) to make sure they have everything they need, PE Kit, stationary etc and that they leave the house on time to get the bus.

Yes I am their mother but they need to learn to get ready and be self sufficient as that is part of growing up, and what they will need to do when they are at college, working etc.

So no, I don't have to be up to make sure they get ready. I am usually up anyway but I'm not running around after them, faffing about to make sure they are ready. They are old enough to do it themselves now.

I would have never stayed in bed unless I was ill and I would still wake up to see them off

Agree with most posters: all
children are different and some need more support that others. Very sensible and independent 13 year old and a 10 year old
with executive development delay here who needs a lot of support (more like 7 year old).

That said, even when the 10 year old is away (very very rarely perhaps a school residential) I still get up with my 13 year old. Because I want to: I enjoy our before school chats, I enjoy making her feel cared for with a breakfast I make. It’s very different to my own childhood experiences and I want my kids to know I enjoy their company, am attentive, and care about them. Home is their safe space and growing up is tough at times. Each to their own: but I strongly feel kids need (reasonably) attentive parents.

My parents alternated days so there was always one of them up with us for going to school, although they would have both been up pretty soon afterwards anyway. We also needed a lift to the bus about half a mile up the road. My mum is gone now but I always appreciated that they made the effort for us.

I used to. One of mine would never had made it out the door if I hadn't (neurodiverse.) The other would have fended for himself well enough, but why should they? They are still young. I loved the morning routine - making breakfast and packed lunches, putting on music, having a chat before they headed off.

I was shocked to discover two good friends never got up before their DC left for secondary. One of them (who is a lovely woman) had a terrible relationship with one daughter for years. Not sure if the two were connected in any way. The other one is adored by her children (also a lovely woman).

@Sharptonguedwoman I don’t get up for a Y8. She’s nearly 14. I make sure they are all awake, then sit and have a coffee in bed. I say goodbye to each of them before they leave.

I have four teenagers getting ready for school/ college at the same time. They have to be ready the night before because I refuse to have four faffing and disorganised children getting grumpy and stressed because they can’t find their PE kit/ tie/ homework in the morning.

Ah sorry, I read that as being 8 yrs old- bit different!

Both me and my husband are often out of the house before 8am. So leave the kids to it, 14 and 17. They always get there on time and are responsible for locking up.

I’m a teacher. I think it’s really sad that, for some kids, I’m the only person that has said good morning and checked they’re ok. Unless you’re doing shift work or working unsociable hours, I will and do judge you.

Lazy selfish behaviour, to not even be bothered rolling out of bed to say goodbye to your kids in the morning is pathetic. I'd definitely judge parents who behave like that, Ask your kids all you like what they think of it, but they don't any better thanks to you. I just hope he's not settling the standards for what she will put up with in a future partner.

We used to both often leave for work before my son got up when he was that age. He was fine sorting himself out, and preferred to it have to be sociable first thing!

So when I’m at work I’m up and wake my teen and tween before I leave and make sure they’re physically out of bed. They sort themselves out from there and get to school on time. In my non working days my tween actually gets up and in the shower before me. I then get up and wake my teen. I head down for breakfast whilst the tween is getting ready. I get showered and hear the tween leave for school shouting goodbye. Once I’m dressed and ready the teen needs cajoling a bit to get out on time. She manages it the days I’m gone to work but struggles when I’m in. If I stayed in bed or went back to bed after waking her she wouldn’t get to school. She has to be woken. Her Alexa blares out music that I can hear in my room but when I go to wake her she’s still flat out deeply asleep. I have to shake her cover off her bed.

So it depends on the child. The staying up late gaming meaning the parent is too tired to support the kids on a morning is a completely different matter. My ex used to do this. But before we had kids. Once we had kids he was too knackered to stay up and game when they were young. Now they’re teen and tween and I’m single he probably does this as he never has to deal with school mornings ever.

Exactly this.

At 15 she is more than capable of organising her own stuff and sorting herself out so not really any need to be up if she can get herself out of bed on time.

Occasionally my days off fall on week days, if I’ve worked a full 5-7 day stint (manual job) you can be sure I want a bloody lie in on my day(s) off if I’ve nowhere to be! I do set my alarm for the time my son needs to be up just to give him a shout to ensure he gets up as he's not a good riser, I usually wake up needing to pee by then anyway and I will pop down to go let the dog out for a quick pee before getting back into bed but my son certainly doesn’t need me hovering over him, he’s quite capable of sorting himself and getting off on time and will shout ‘bye’ as he leaves. I’m half awake but not up as such and will go back to sleep for a bit once he leaves. If I’m working then I’m up before him and shout him out of bed but by the time he's dragging himself up and to the shower its almost time for me to leave so I’ll make him a brew for when he gets out then get on my way so he has to sort himself and get out on time then too so I don’t really see a huge difference or the ‘need’ to get out of bed on my days off.

My own mum used to leave the house early for work, she’d make me a brew and make sure I was out of bed before she left but getting ready and making sure I had my things and getting out on time were my own responsibility from around age 10.

I’m sure there are a lot of perfectly functional families (especially single parent ones) that are in the same boat. It seems to me that perhaps the reason you are annoyed is not so much the not being up itself but the reason behind why he doesn’t get up that you don’t approve of. If he works from home doing hours that facilitate being able to have a bit of a lie in why not, shes not a baby and it’ll help build her independence.

From an alternative angle. - if I wasn't home from work by about 4pm, before my teenage DS came in, the evening might end pear shaped.
He needed emotional support and to talk his day through just after he arrived home.

I would have thought teachers of all people would have the decency to realise all families are different and work in different ways.

Clearly not 🙄

@Sheerdetermination the point is that being "present" at a specific time of the day doesn't automatically make you a good parent, just like being in bed when your child leaves for school doesn't automatically make you a bad one.

There is so much unpleasant, nasty judgement on this thread from posters who seem to think that the way they parent is the only "right" way to do things.

My mum was up but dealing with my younger siblings so by the age of 13 I sorted myself out in the morning and didn't need someone checking over me.

My mother got up and said good bye to me every morning before I went to school. She was very much physically present.

If I'd had an issue she would have told me to stop complaining and to sort it out for myself. I quickly learnt to plaster a smile on my face and tell her everything was "fine".

I'm out at work before my DC get up. I'm often in bed before they go to sleep. However they know they can message me any time and wake me up if they need me (and they have done this on occasion).

Physically present does not make you a good parent and being physically absent does not mean you are not.

My 6 & 9 year olds get themselves dressed and fed but I’m still up with them because I want to see them and basically I just love them. I’m sure it will be the same when they’re teenagers, although they might not want me so much 😄 but I don’t think the OP is about actually physically getting them ready, is it?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ more being present and helping out if needed items are missing. IE being supportive.
I was ALWAYS running around the house trying to find bits of school uniform about 5 mins before I had to leave to catch the bus. Not very functional 😄