Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Haha it’s like the OP should set ups go fund me for doing a public service for others 😆

OP honestly, as soon as he started itemising the bill that would be me off.

Don't get me wrong, I am fully behind 50/50 and in no way whatsoever expect the "man to pay".

With my DH for decades and, while we've never had a joint bank account, we have similar outlook to money and what's leftover is shared in joint savings.

But quibbling over £2.50.

I'd ram that bill up his tight arse.

And leave.

If he's always been like this, it's exceptionally unlikely that he will change now.

I think you are right to be reconsidering this relationship. Really think about whether you would be happy living like this.

£2.50???

If my OH asked me for £2.50 I’d take the piss relentlessly.

Also my Fanny would be dryer than the Sahara.

This isn't normal. You deserve more than this.

Oh just YUK. Meanness is such an unattractive quality and often seeps into other parts of the personality. I can’t bear it.

i was with a mean man once (blinded by love) and honestly, looking back I can’t believe how stingy he was. I went for dinner with him and his new partner years later and they each paid for their own meal (they were living together) and I realised some things never change.

Please imagine what he would be like if you had a baby. Until you experience pregnancy/birth and the inability to work for a period of time it's hard to imagine how much you need a decent giving partner. Financial abuse often escalated in pregnancy.

There is a saying "mean with money, mean with love" it's very true.

I was with friends a while ago and one friend talked about her high earning husband who severely restricts their children. Despite being young they have to pay for 50% of non essential clothes and items. Essential is uniform & underwear. Everything else has to be split and they have to find the money from birthday gifts or selling items online to have anything extra.

We all sat open mouthed yet the friend is conditioned to this and as they got together young she doesn't know anything else. Up until then I thought what a lovely couple. She isn't allowed a pay app on her phone "as spends too much" her husband goes through all receipts so no one dares sneak in something they would like.

Miserable way to live and I am sure her H has amassed vast sums of money.

OP, could you find some money for counselling to find out where your rock bottom self esteem and respect come from?
This is not normal.
4 years you have spent with this ugly horror.
How can you be intimate with such a man....who would hide the butter.....bloody hell?
Would you actually inflict him on a child?
How selfish would that be?

You sound like a lovely woman who has completely lost her way.
4 years with probably one of the meanness men on MN...and God knows that is saying something.
Don't waste your breath trying to talk to him.
Get organised and get away from him..
Surely be to God 4 years of living this way must be enough for you.

So you are paying half the rent, bills, food, taking him on holiday and doing all the cleaning. Wake up! He is utterly dreadful and taking advantage of absolutely everything about you that he can! No wonder he has substantial savings. Living with you is lucrative for him. When he tells you he loves you ignore him. He is lying.

Ick.

One of life's small pleasure is treating the one you love, or doing little, thoughtful gestures. He sounds a right, miserable, joyless miser.

This, and this again.

Please do NOT entertain a future with this man. He cares more about money than you or your feelings. Meanness on that level is a dreadful trait to have and surely must bleed out into his behaviour in other ways. I know you should never value someone by the depth of their pocket but he is a tight arsed loser. I'd tell him where to stick that £2.50!! Don't buy him anymore presents, holidays etc and kick his tight arse out of your life.

Run for the hills. I've been with this man. Also for years. It doesn't get better. They don't change. Being tight and ungenerous with money is the most unattractive trait ever. I've now left, best decision I ever made!

I just don’t think I could have sex with a man who tallied up the supermarket receipts (down to pennies!).

What a miserable way to live
Quibbling over £2.50 when you're under the same roof says it all really
I happily pay for a friends £2.50 coffee if it's my turn
You deserve so much better

I think you know in your heart of hearts that this is a non runner. He has literally impacted your spirit so much that you don't enjoy treating you/both of you because everything is transactional and totted up to the last penny. How utterly miserable.

And while I agree with posters who have said it's not necessarily about being whisked away but it's the day-to-day stuff that matters, it's actually both. Not in the grand gestures necessarily but someone who is generous enough of spirit that wants to treat you and make you feel special.

Please cut your losses. I think you may have become so used to him that you don't fully appreciate that this is simply not how things work. You sound like a lovely person and he sounds like a miserly killjoy. You can do so much better!

Ick. Just ick. I would find this off-putting if it were just an acquaintance, let alone someone I shared my body and life with.

Yeah I mean he will go to the shops and even if he only bought me a bottle of coke and a few joint things for the house he'd ask me for that few quid. Obviously I haven't discussed this with friends as think I was a bit embarrassed of it and also I don't think I really knew if it's unfair until I've just had this resounding response. He has normalised it a lot. Honestly I feel like this is the glass shattering moment of WTAF am I doing.

Op, you could do it back, start to add up everything so he sees the error of his ways. Eg how much you clean and cook v him, work out how long he takes to cook meals, electricity and so on.

Start to bill him back and see how he likes it.
I'm not saying this to be petty because he literally maybe can't understand what he's doing.
If he doesn't profusely apologise and have a main joint account...

RUN.

NEVER HAVE CHILD WITH HIM.
when you love someone you can't live without them and don't care about this crap

Op no it's not normal. I'd take a good look and really think about this is this how you want to live? It's miserable, life is too short!

Totally.

Imagine going out for a drink with a friend and then asking for £2.50 because you paid slightly more.

Would never happen, or would be the last time.

The scales have fallen from your eyes now.
£2.50 is the straw that broke the camels back!

Yes you need to leave this life draining miser, if for no other reason than the longer you stay with him you are preventing yourself meeting a real partner. Someone you can enjoy life with!

I was young when I met my now dh. I was living at home. My mum was away on an extended holiday. An unexpected bill had come which I had paid. Then realised i had very little for food shopping for the rest of the month.
He pushed as to why I was quiet & so I told him.
He took me straight to Tesco, threw goodies into the trolley as well as the basics I needed. He refused to let me pay him back.
He never made a big deal of it. Was just glad I was ok & happy.
36 years later he would still give me his last penny.
He'll see my favourite chocolate bar & get it because I like it.
He'll bring home something nice to share because he wants to treat me.
He'll cook us a nice dinner because he knows I love his cooking (the washing up is something else though 😁).

You want a man who loves you. Who wants to be your partner. One who cherishes you.
Not one who demands £2.50 after spending ages going through receipts to make sure you're not freeloading off him. Who scoffs more food than you but insists you pay exactly 50%.
The ick here is real.

I think he may be visited by 3 ghosts in the near future!!! Get out now. x

Oh no he is a proper miser

it’s nice to be generous with people you love, I like to argue over who pays the bill… as in argue because we both want to pay and treat the other

this is so miserable, and sad you think it’s normal. It’s not. And it is not about expecting “the man to pay”, it’s miserable with friends too

it is just no way to live

and it will only get worse with age…. or imagine if you are ever on maternity leave…