Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Get out now is my advice. My DD was with someone like this. As parents we had concerns from very early on in their relationship but said nothing, he’d come to us for dinner for example and literally hoover up any scrap of food left on plates, always asked for any leftovers or extra, more bread, you get he picture. We were very kind to start with thinking perhaps he was hungry or never had money to feed himself, maybe he’d had an awful childhood and been deprived of food? Loads of things went through our minds. He then moved into her house but before he moved they sat down and worked out how much he’d pay to live there which included food etc. After a few months he started coming up with excuses of why the agreed amount wasn’t being transferred to a joint account they’d opened for the bills, that’s when the shit hit the fan. He’d only eaten one tomato from a pack of six they’d bought, he’d only eaten two yoghurts, he only had milk in his tea but she had cereal, she spent 4 minutes longer in the shower than he did, she had the occasional bath, he wore his clothes longer before washing - the list goes on and on. He never paid for drinks when they socialised and if she didn’t pay he only drank tap water from the bar, he never bought a drink from they moved in together. He used to ask to use her car so he saved petrol using hers. He was a tightwad! It dawned on her after around 6 months and out he went back to his miserly life. He earned the same as DD he was just tight with money, there was no debt or anything. Do yourself a favour and find someone who doesn’t count up a shopping receipt, that’s no way to live.

Was he brought up in grinding poverty and then got fleeced in a divorce or some such similar back story?
He clearly enjoys the benefit of having/keeping you around. Saying 'I love you' is pretty cheap.
Saving money is normal but totting up and putting his hand out for £2.50 is bonkers! Why is he getting worse?

Life is too short for this miserly nonsense. And for the love of God, do not have a child with this man!

What will you do @Rockrose94 ? you can already feel yourself eroding.

Runnnnnnnnnnn

do not have children with this man.

You were 26 when the relationship started, very young. It may not have been obvious what a prize tosser he is, but that is what he is, and we can all see it, and now you can too.

Walk away. Almost any man is better than this one.

Your boyfriend is in no way shape or form a partner

Seriously , you have admitted theres niggles more then this, dont ignore gut feelings

Ever watched “Still Game?” You’ve got yourself a Tam. My BIL is the same. Run, run, run! Life will be utterly joyless with someone this miserly.

Get rid. And why do you keep paying for meals and holidays?

Please please leave this man...
Under no circumstances have a child with or get married to this man.
I had an ex like this..we were living together and he earnt more but he would go thru the food shop with a calculator working out who used more of what and charging me accordingly.. he'd split petrol with me even for going 5 mins down the road.. and he'd wrote out receipts as well.. for fkn £2.50 or whatever the petrol cost! Absolutely astonishing levels of tightness..
It goes hand on hand with a deep lack of trust and with paranoia usually.
And you cannot trust someone who doesn't trust you.. you cannot truly bond with or form a supportive partnership with, someone who deep down believes you are there to use him and rip him off... regardless of you having spent money and time on him.
Honestly please listen to people on this thread. This man is incapable of a proper relationship. His tightness with money runs deeper psychologically.. he doesn't trust you.. he's out to protect himself... and as a result will end up letting you down massively.
Please find someone emotionally healthy to form a partnership with. I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but there are decent loving men out there you don't need to settle for this bollocks.

I was very 50/50 with my ex, he had spreadsheets etc. but even he wasn’t THAT bad! Jesus H Christ….

I've seen one of your updates , and to add to my previous post: EXACTLY. THEY MAKE IT LOOK NORMAL when that is the last thing it is!

My XP had an Amex because he thought it made him look important. Shortly after I moved in, he told me that he'd ordered an extra card for me (how kind and generous of him!). And I had to use it for all my sending. This meant he collected all the points for my shopping as well as his own. And each time the statement arrived he would spend half an hour tallying up which were my costs and which were his (in excel, line by line) and send me a email saying "pay asap please.. bill is due on X date". He didn't do this properly and assumed everything my card was used for must have been my cost, but I also brought groceries and toiletries etc. so inevitably I'd also spend half an hour making sure he wasn't overcharging me. It was life draining stuff. Get out of that situation and let him be miserable on his own.

someone who deep down believes you are there to use him and rip him off... regardless of you having spent money and time on him.

I think you have hit the nail on the head as that is how I feel. He has said before he thinks I am trying to rip him off if the shopping receipts get out of hand and then he became worse for itemising it all.

OMG what a miserable tight arsed git.

No of course most people don't itemise everything and charge each other to the last penny. I can't believe you've put up with 4 years of this shit.

Get out now and leave Scrooge to his money counting.

I understand wanting to protect savings. But it's still possible to do that and share every day finances. I think this would kill the relationship for me, the extreme pettiness but moreso the fact that he thinks eating out or whatever is bad value...unless you're paying. It's just really bad manners to ask for £2.50 back for extra cheese or something after you've accepted a fucking holiday from someone

Do you own a joint property or do you rent?

This is not a man to live with, marry, have children with or even go down the pub with.

You're like the boiled frog , suddenly realising WTAF !!!!
Please don't feel any shame or embarrassment it's not you it's him.
You've been too good to this miserly, miserable soul sucking excuse for a man.
Times up, LTB, go forth and never look back.
You will feel sooo much better.

I'd be tempted to split the food right down the middle and only let him eat half (put the rest in a tupperware container if you don't want it all) since he only pays for half 😂.

But really, just end it. This is not someone you want to have children or grow old with.

We rent thankfully

Does he do this in front of people? Isn't he ashamed?

@Rockrose94 - listen to an old woman with a bit of experience under her belt. This won't get any better. Who he shows himself to be is who he is.

I've been with my husband for 50 years, there have been a few rough periods along the way. But all along he has never been stingy. Quite the opposite. We have always been a team. We have always had each other's backs.

This guy is looking after #1. So should you. Whatever you do, do not have children with this man.

No usually one of us pays and then will tally it up at home

What a miserable life going through receipts quibbling over £2.50 and never going anywhere or doing anything unless you pay and treat him while he is stashing money away not jointly for your future together for himself

just out of curiosity is there a back story to why he’s like this did he grow up in extreme poverty or get screwed in a messy divorce?

Genuinely wondering if you’re with my ex. Get out now.

He bought two bottles of water for £1 and demanded the 50p back.

He’s not brave enough to do it on front of people, this should tell you all you need to know about him. If he won’t do it in public then why is he hiding it?

No not that I'm aware of. He has always said he is worried about girlfriends stealing his money but I think it comes from his mum. Weirdly his sister is very generous and always tries to pay when we go out with her but she told me her mum told her not to pay for a holiday for her family unless her husband split it 50/50 even though he's in a much lower paid job.