Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

God I've just remembered that he hid a tub of butter in the fridge as I was using too much butter and he didn't want to share it! That's the thing, I really don't treat him at all now.

Do you give him lifts or let him use your car? You need to start charging for that if you do.
But obviously LTB.

What a way to live. How does he cherish you and show you that he loves you?

To borrow a phrase from the wonderful Captain Awkward, this isn’t 19th century England, you are not Charlotte Lucas. You have options.

These options definitely involve not ruminating over whether other people would put up with a penny pinching partner, and whether you therefore should too. They involve not being with someone who is slowly snuffing out some of the nicest and most agreeable parts of your personality - generosity, kindness and a lust for life.

It doesn't matter if he's right and you're wrong. It doesn't matter if you're being unreasonable, or he is. His behaviour makes you feel like you're incompatible, and the way he wants to live his and your lives is making you unhappy, so you are therefore incompatible. You can end this relationship knowing that wanting to break up is a good enough reason for breaking up - you don't have to justify it to anyone. He'll be fine, and you will be happier than you can imagine.

I am about to divorce someone similar. After 13 years marriage and kids, I've had enough. Do as everyone says and run for the hills. I used to think so what, I have my own money. He is miserly in every way possible. It is soul destroying. Wont even give the kids £1 for children in need day. (He has tens of thousands in savings.... well I think hundreds of thousands - tells me nothing.)

This is my point…

my DH and I are generous. It’s lovely!

his DM is just a taker and it’s now at the point both of us resent treating her as it’s so unappreciated and moochy.
its a classic case of this is why we can’t have nice things.

he is, in a very really sense, stealing your joy.

I'm not sure, I think he will sometimes go below the limit but I haven't got to the point of adding up what he's bought me - yet! He doesn't do any of the day to day cleaning at all actually.

In reply to the questions about why I'm with him. I don't think he was as tight at the beginning and we were friends for a few years before we got together so had interests and a friend group in common. I'm not really sure what redeeming qualities he has as I can't currently see past how tight he is being as even though he will cook a nice dinner he would then ask for half the money. I don't know I think I need a good think of what I'm with him for and if there's anything worth working on.

Ugh, what an unattractive trait. It'll only get worse from here.
Look at the huge red flag he's waiving in your face and run for the hills!!

Sorry he has his own car but paid it outright from inheritance so just doesn't have a monthly finance cost. He drives us around more but I split the cost of petrol or buy him lunch etc if he does that

I'm pleased to see you rent rather than own, much easier to get out of a relationship when you're not completely financially enmeshed.

He just sounds awful. What a miserable way to live; you deserve so much more. Do you want to leave him? I know it can be scary, but imagine a life with somebody who happily takes you out for dinner or allows you more than a scraping of butter!

Ditch him there's nothing worse than someone who's mean. if they're mean with money they're mean with their affections too.

I was with a man who was mean and I got to
the point that i couldn't stand the constant adding subtracting dividing - rotting up who owed what and the time it all took.

The final nail in the coffin was when my mum came to stay and he refused to pay for any food for her and would sneak into the house his own food that he paid for and eat it in secret, but he was quite happy to eat any meals I cooked and I'd paid for - I was so embarrassed and angry that he should treat my mum like this who herself was so generous with money even though she hadn’t got much.

Get rid - it won't get better

You want to have a think if there’s anything worth working on. As an outsider looking in, I don’t think there is. He gaslights and shuts you down if you try to discuss that you’re paying more than your fair share.

I am presuming you’re relatively young. You’re wasting your youth and fertile years (if you want kids) on a man, who will always love his bank balance more than another human.

Stop buying him lunch. You’ve paid enough already.

Biggest turn off. YANBU

I think I used to live with this bloke! If we went into town shopping at the weekend, and he bought a newspaper, he’d ask me for half of it. Poor thing, he only earned three times what I did.

Your life will only get more miserable if you stay, and you will resent him more and more. Trust me, I’ve been there. Time to pack your stuff and leave.

As my late grandmother would have said, he’s so tight he wouldn’t give you the drippings off his nose!

My Grandmother always said, “A man who is mean with his money is mean with his love.” She was absolutely right. Dump him, this won’t improve.

Seriously OP just rip of that plaster and get rid asap...don't think of the 4 years at least you have not wasted your whole life! Please leave this man. If you want a family what happens then? This is not how couples live and you need to be free of him. Please do not have a child with this man. How awful for you. This is a form of abuse OP - so subtle and worse for it.

Do you actually have a sex life with him? I can't imagine anything more unattractive than having to pay my share of the petrol if he drives or having sex with someone who hides the butter!
For goodness sake ... end this 'relationship' now.

I think my feelings on this have been bubbling up for a while and it's eroded any of the good things I seen in him. He tells me he loves me constantly but I dont think he actually shows me he does at all and I don't feel valued. I am always trying to make sure things are fair or talk him into a dinner out by saying it's my treat. Those responding with how nice it would be to treat each other in a relationship is making me feel so so sad. I would love for someone to whisk me away for a weekend and I could never see him doing that 😔

Run for the hills my friend. Sounds like a control freak

Cooking you dinner then charging you half!!! Honestly. Does he charge you for extra loo roll if you are in your period? I'm just wondering how far he goes. You mention you are dieting, are you bigger than him? Does he charge you more for shower gel?
I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't think you realise how ridiculous he is. I don't know how you can take him seriously.

Please don't stay either this man for the rest of your life, or if you do not get pregnant, that's when he will really start charging you and you won't be able to work to the same level (or you will but the childcare costs will be coming out of your salary only). If he doesn't charge you for his sperm

This is obviously a question you shouldn't answer on here, but do you guys actually have sex? Or fun? Anything apart from familiarity and fear of the unknown keeping you together?

I had a friend with a bloke like this. I bought her a bottle of champagne when she eventually left him.

Of course he tells you 'he loves you' ... he loves being in the situation where he can comfortably increase his savings regularly, never has to risk spending money on someone apart from himself and has a girlfriend who seems willing to treat him to nice things.
Wake up OP ..

OP it's not even about fancy weekends away, it's just the day to day of life. How on earth can he even think it's ok to as you for £2.50?! Please be proactive and leave this man. It doesn't matter how much he says he loves you- talk is free! You sound like a lovely person and do not deserve to be treated in this abusive way.

Jesus what a twat. I’ve also been with my dp for 4 years, he earns a lot more than I do and pays for pretty much everything - holidays, meals out etc. I contribute as much as I can but he knows I don’t have much money, and he never makes me feel bad about it or brings it up. I think even if I was earning a lot more he’d still want to pay for everything, he’s just like that. Itemising shopping receipts, fuck that.