Being so tight with money?

[Rockrose94]

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

Why do you stay with him? What does he exactly bring to your life?

Imagine being free from him, the pleasure of being in your own home, surrounded by things you like, seeing friends you enjoy spending time with and not quibbling over every last 50p ...

If you want kids please leave now! My dh is (not to that extreme) but very stingy with money and we have separate finances. He makes me feel like a criminal sometimes for just spending money on what everyone else would consider normal expenditure. I didn't notice so much before kids because I was quite well paid and he never really bothered about how I spent my own money but since having kids and having less/no free money of my own I really resent him for it, its not a nice or normal way to live

Another post about another man that another woman here should not be with.

That's not normal. Me and husband.hsve separate finances but it's still all our money. We just haven't joined up. Your bloke is miserly and you really shouldn't have babies with him or your life will be a misery.

Stop treating him. Tell him you're going to x if he wants to come and you'll split the costs. If he says he can't afford it, take a mate and leave him at home.

This one won't have you in his life forever.

This is beyond tight-fisted! Treat people how you like to be treated. Get rid of this miser asap.

There's being careful with money and there is being tighter than two coats of paint.
Bin this miser and find someone who doesn't faint at the thought of putting his hand in his pocket.
Is his name Ebenezer?

While you're on..figure out his half of all of the things you've treated him to and when he quibbles over pennies. Tell him he owes you x for (list). Might shut him up.

This is Trumpian.... He doesn't want to pay his way, and gaslights you into paying more.

You deserve so much better than this.

Get rid of him

No, my partner and I don't quibble over £2.50 of shopping.

Our of curiosity, have you ever discussed marriage and children, and how you would both imagine fianaces working during that period?

However, finances aside, you don't sound very compatible. You also don't seem convinced that you can rely on him in a pinch. For me, that would be a deal breaker.

He is tight bastard. Stop spending money on this selfish man and point your lucky stars your money is so separate. It makes it easier for splitting up as surely that’s what you’re going to do.

In four years he's treated you once to a meal? !!! How does he celebrate birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc in general?

I’m reminded of a friend whose BF was quite tight and he got her to pay half the cost of a Dyson hoover and she subsequently discovered he’d expensed it through work so it hadn’t cost him a thing, he was just pocketing money from her!

I hope he's an exBF after that stunt....

I wouldn’t even quibble with a casual acquaintance over £2.50 for some shopping, let alone my boyfriend. I can’t stand needless penny-pinching.

He would just split birthday dinners usually. Christmas we would agree a spending limit and I'd spend more probably. we don't even acknowledge our anniversary let alone do any thing for it

Does he have a car?

Shit life with him sounds utterly miserable.

I have a friend in a long term relationship like this. They would go food shopping and he would keep a tab of anything going in the trolley that he wasn't going to eat/use and ask her to cover that - and I'm talking 50p for paracetamol or £1 for soap.

Now they're in a position where they have a child, he wanted to avoid using childcare where possible but didn't want to cut back on hours so she's gone part time. He's used her being home as a support for him working more hours and getting promoted so he now earns 3 or 4 times her PT salary but he's continued insisting everything is split 50/50.

She's miserable and stuck. He's an arse.

OP your 'partner' (and I use that term lightly) is being awful. I'd start looking into life alone tbh - he's sucking the joy out of life and lying. If he earns the same as you and has savings, he's got money to treat you here and there, he just doesn't want to.

OP,

Many replies are questioning how you would cope with the arrival of DC. I agree that scenario had disaster written all over it, but it is presumptuous to assume that you want them. At least with this guy

So I’ll back up. You don’t feel like partners. You haven’t said what he brings to your life. You sound like a lovely person. He does not

Would you not be happier moving on? Living with him must be stressful and depressing. I would much rather live alone

Why do you think this is all you deserve, OP? You sound lovely, don’t throw your life way on a miser. Imagine being with someone who gets pleasure out of treating you. These men exist!

I couldn’t live like that!

that’s not a partnership. You pay for treats, days out nights away and he squirrels away his money , increasing his savings and him demanding you owe him £2.50 to cover the shopping! Fuck that.

find someone who appreciated and cherishes you for being you,

I could not live like this. Bloody £2.50?

If you can live like this OP, then you need to get as ridiculous as him.

You do your own shopping from now on, and I'd treat us to some labels and a marker pen in my first shop. 'This is your food, this is mine. If the label doesn't have your name on it, keep your hands off it'.

He wouldn't be getting any further nights out, treats or holidays on me.

I actually wouldn't do those things, I'd have a discussion and if there wasn't any way to resolve, I'd have to call it a day.

We have joint finances, I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it certainly stops the relationship being so transactional.

Do his gifts match/ approach the agreed limit, or does he go way below that amount?
Is this his approach to household chores/division of home responsibilities? Does he have any redeeming qualities or habits that make you feel special/loved?

This is just the most miserable way to live.

also it isn’t 50/50. He wants to subtly mooch off you.
exhibits:
A. you have a car and presumably pay for everything associated but I bet he benefits.
B. The food
C. Every nice thing ever is paid for in full by you 🫣😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

just imagine a world where you could surprise your partner with a city break in Barcelona… for your birthday he takes you to the Azores…
on your anniversary he surprises you and you go to an amazing spa hotel !maybe you stop at a nice gastro pub on the way back and you treat him to lunch?
what a NICE life that is to live.

my DH and I had the most idyllic 4-5 years doing the above and more pre kids

pleaaaaase don’t waste your life on this cheap moochy fun sponge

Do his family know he is like this @Rockrose94? I’m the only daughter (eldest of 3) and both my brothers can at times be a little stingy / careful with money, but nowhere near this extent.

Honestly, if either of my SILs were to reveal they were on the receiving end of this kind of miserliness from my brothers to me or my parents, we would be disgusted and I don’t think we could stop ourselves from having strong and direct conversations with my brothers as to just how objectionable this behaviour is.

Is he generous in other ways - affectionate, intimate, giving you praise, respect and recognition, dedicating energy and focus to quality time as a couple? I suspect the answer is no, so I think the obvious question is; what are you actually gaining from being in a relationship with this man?

You deserve better. You can do better. Get rid of this millstone around your neck before you wake up one day and realise you’ve given all the best years of your life to someone so utterly undeserving.