To not take leave on the day we marry?

[Aashni]

DP and I get married next month. It’s a large event with many guests, but the religious ceremony isn't legally binding.
Because of this, DP and I are heading to our local registry office next week to do the legal part of the marriage. We don’t want this formality to overshadow our wedding next month, which we consider the actual day we marry. So, for the registry wedding, we aren’t having guests (just two acquaintances as witnesses), no vows or ring exchange, and we’d planned to work that day as usual (it’s over lunchtime).

When sharing our plans with friends and family, we’re told we’re crazy for not taking the day off to celebrate together. But to me, this day is merely a legal formality. DM insists it will be a special and emotional day regardless, and that it would be silly not to acknowledge it as we’ll never get that day back. WWYD?

Have a lovely day, OP. Hope the weather is nicer than today.

That's nice. Have a fun day and make some nice memories.

OP, I also had a registry office ceremony which lasted 15 minutes and then a much bigger do several months later.

And like you, I saw the registry office part as a simple legal formality and didn't want to make a big fuss of it.

But our parents and siblings wanted to be present, and then our closest friends (bridesmaids and groomsmen for the main event) said they wanted to come to the legal ceremony too, and by that point we were up to about 20 people so we relented and booked a table at a local restaurant for after the ceremony. And then of course I decided to buy a new dress rather than just showing up in something vaguely presentable.

And then I decided to book a room at the hotel my parents and friends were staying at, because I figured it would rather spoil things to get married and have a nice lunch and then go home and put on a load of washing.

And then the evening before, as I was leaving work, I was passing a florist and I decided to just buy myself some flowers to carry. And when I went inside the florist was making a handheld bouquet and I said I'd like one like that and she said "this is actually a wedding bouquet" and I said "yes, I'm getting married tomorrow".

In short, our simple registry office ceremony which wasn't intended to be the real deal turned into a mini wedding, a sort of prequel to the real deal if you like.

And you know what?

It was actually lovely, and I have wonderful memories of that day.

So I would take the afternoon or even the day off work, wear something lovely, treat yourselves to a celebratory meal or even a night in a hotel, and make something of it.

Interesting, it was literally a 2 minute interlude to do our civil wedding. We signed some book or documents after the chuppah. (religious ceremony) One month before the wedding I had to go to the town hall to announce the banns (is that still done????) but I did that on my own.

I think this is best. Also had a Hindu wedding and the legal ceremony was an afterthought - though not quite as small as yours. However, we have unexpectedly discovered over the years that it’s the anniversary that we prefer to celebrate. It’s about just us rather than our families etc.

Edited to add that we would have preferred to have done the legal bit on the same day as the religious wedding & reception, but our venue at the time was not licensed so we had to go to the registry office. It would have been too much so I’m glad that we didn’t.

This. It is meaningful even though not as meaningful as the day later in month you exchange your vows. Work in the morning get married, then go to a nice lunch together.

It will be the day you marry, formality or not.

I can't imagine that not being special. Take the day as an opportunity to celebrate with each other because you other wedding will be too full of other people to do this.

We did very similar - just had witnesses at registrar's office but then we went for lunch with the witnesses and then the two of us went for a spa afternoon. It was lovely, but nothing like our "proper" wedding which was a massive party with everyone we know. I'm personally glad we did things that way :)

I also wore the same dress as I wore to the registrar's office to our Henna party (Iraqi Jewish Henna party - very different from other types when it comes to clothing) which I loved, as I felt it tied it all in nicely.

I would also add that we celebrate both our wedding anniversaries.

Maybe you won't want to do that if both are in the same month (there's quite a long gap between ours) but we think that the more occasions you have to celebrate, the more joyful life is. These days with young kids we don't get out much so it's usually just a takeaway and a bottle of wine but we always take the time to mark the day and remember why we chose each other.

I used to work with a guy who nipped out in his lunch hour to get married. I thought it was so cool.

My grandparents were shop workers who had half day closing on a Tuesday so married Tuesday pm so no time off work for them. Long and happy marriage. Christmas Day weddings were done for same reason.

I think this is a good decision.

Even though your religious ceremony will be your real wedding, having time as a couple to mark the official start of the legal marriage will. I hope, be a nice extra for you.

We had planned to do what you did but in the end invited a couple of friends each, took the afternoon off work and sat in the garden drinking champagne with our friends for the afternoon. It was really lovely actually and a nice, relaxed time before the big wedding and party.

I've been in this situation.

My strong recommendation would be to take the day off, and to use it to celebrate being married to each other. i.e don't just see it as the paperwork.

Why? Becuase a the big wedding isn't really about you and your spouse. It's an event, and you will be on full time event duty on your wedding.

Having a day to properly celebrate as just for you two is really valuable.

(It was for me, anyway. It then made the 'big wedding' much less stressful, as we could attend to the guests without feeling it had to be also the most special day of our own lives at the same time).

I did exactly this recently. We went out for a posh lunch afterwards and it was a lovely low key day with our two witnesses. We’d only told a couple of people about it as like you, we didn’t want the celebration and ceremony to not feel ‘real’. I think it’s more emotional than you think it’s going to be and we’d’ve felt flat if we’d just gone back to work.

I would definitely take a day off and celebrate together. I think you’re underestimating how emotional it might be actually!! This is the marriage legally..

Do whatever you want to do, you’re the people getting married.

We’re doing the same as you but going to the registry office the day after our wedding and it’s ruffled a few feathers that we aren’t doing it before! You’ll never please everyone but the most important people to please are you two.

I’m actually with you OP. If I really wanted to treat the big day as my wedding day, id pretend we were just signing a formality prior to the day, I think I celebrated the first day, the second one wouldn’t feel like my wedding, it’d feel more like a celebration of my wedding.

I'd definitely be going for a boozy lunch with hubby.

@ThatsNotMyMuffin

Hoew rude. Don't reduce the religious part of their marriage to 'a party' & tell them
they have their priorities wrong. To them the religious part has more meaning than signing a few bits of paper.

@Aashni

you do what you both want to do.

Personally I think spending the day together, just the two of you, would be nice, it's the 'legal bit' and you'll have to use that date for all formal stuff, so you'll have to remember it, you might as well have nice memories of the day!

I'd be emotional & want to be together rather than at work, that's me anyway. Others have said they don't regret going back to work. I'd rather not take the chance!!

I hope your actual wedding is a lovely day for you 🌷

And what if one of your colleagues calls in sick and you have to cover their meeting or shift your lunch break... I mean your boss MIGHT believe you when you say sorry no can do I've got to get married....

I think I'd book it off just to be sure OP

Edited to add sorry OP somehow missed your update. Have a lovely day both with both weddings. I think you've made the right choice... too many what ifs otherwise

We did this, we planned to not treat the register office as at all special, though we did have a handful of rellies come along and had drinks in a parent's garden afterwards. When it came to it, the legal event felt much more real, and the event the next day felt like a kind of fake wedding to me! So I wish I'd done more with the actual wedding event day. I couldn't have predicted I'd feel that way. So I'd say take the day off and plan a nice lunch or something after.

Ah lovely, that sounds perfect! Enjoy & congratulations x

It's totally up to you of course but I do find the point of view (shared by a lot of people) that the"legal bit" is dry and inconsequential, a bit sad. It sounds like you are religious, which changes things, as for you, the commitment before God is likely the important bit, but to be legally bound to someone is quite a big deal, in my view. Something I thought about and positively wanted, and was mildly excited about the posterity of marriage records etc. It was the point of getting married for me really, as I'm not religious, and the party with friends etc was the secondary bit. By all means keep it personal but a bit of time for reflection about your commitment to each other might be nice?

Sorry, slow on the uptake. Hurrah, enjoy!