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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take leave on the day we marry?

204 replies

Aashni · 08/07/2024 12:11

DP and I get married next month. It’s a large event with many guests, but the religious ceremony isn't legally binding.
Because of this, DP and I are heading to our local registry office next week to do the legal part of the marriage. We don’t want this formality to overshadow our wedding next month, which we consider the actual day we marry. So, for the registry wedding, we aren’t having guests (just two acquaintances as witnesses), no vows or ring exchange, and we’d planned to work that day as usual (it’s over lunchtime).

When sharing our plans with friends and family, we’re told we’re crazy for not taking the day off to celebrate together. But to me, this day is merely a legal formality. DM insists it will be a special and emotional day regardless, and that it would be silly not to acknowledge it as we’ll never get that day back. WWYD?

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 08/07/2024 12:32

I would definitely do something to acknowledge it!

A lazy morning in bed and nice lunch afterwards will make it feel really special without costing a fortune.

Roryhon · 08/07/2024 12:34

It’s completely up to you. If you’re not bothered, don’t worry. I have friends that got married in scruffy workwear a couple of days before their posh ceremony in front of friends at a hotel that didn’t have a license (and they were married by a singing comedy vicar!). They thought of the big fancy day as their wedding day and celebrated it as their anniversary.

MyBirthdayMonth · 08/07/2024 12:37

It's your call. I think I would take a half day and have a boozy lunch after the ceremony.

Greenleavesinthesun · 08/07/2024 12:40

It’s up to you, do want you want, any excuse for a half day off and nice lunch though, so I would do it.

Haveyouanyjam · 08/07/2024 12:42

Definitely do what you want, but I agree that I would take the afternoon off and be together, have lunch etc. and cheers to officially being husband and wife even if the wedding hasn’t happened yet. It won’t make the big day any less special and will be nice to have something just for you two, lots of people say they don’t get much actual quality time on their wedding day so might be nice.

ThatsNotMyMuffin · 08/07/2024 12:42

I think if the actual party a month later is more important and emotional for you than the actual act of marriage, then... Your priorities are always wrong. It is they day you get married and become forever connected, not a trip to the post office during your lunch break

DPotter · 08/07/2024 12:42

Weddings days can be so busy, with the bride & groom being the centre of attention but not with time to focus on each other. I would have thought a simple registry office ceremony and a nice lunch out would give you and your DH to be a lovely afternoon to focus just on each other without having to speak to aunty Mabel who neither of you can remember.

Treat yourselves.

TBH if you go back to work and your colleagues know what you've done at lunchtime, it's highly unlikely you'll get much work done.

purplecorkheart · 08/07/2024 12:43

I would personally take the afternoon off and go for a nice long lunch somewhere before all the last minute wedding rushing around starts.

DPotter · 08/07/2024 12:43

Just don't tell family & friends where you're going so you can have a lovely time with each other. Someone will think it's a good idea to surprise you

Orelinde · 08/07/2024 12:45

Aashni · 08/07/2024 12:11

DP and I get married next month. It’s a large event with many guests, but the religious ceremony isn't legally binding.
Because of this, DP and I are heading to our local registry office next week to do the legal part of the marriage. We don’t want this formality to overshadow our wedding next month, which we consider the actual day we marry. So, for the registry wedding, we aren’t having guests (just two acquaintances as witnesses), no vows or ring exchange, and we’d planned to work that day as usual (it’s over lunchtime).

When sharing our plans with friends and family, we’re told we’re crazy for not taking the day off to celebrate together. But to me, this day is merely a legal formality. DM insists it will be a special and emotional day regardless, and that it would be silly not to acknowledge it as we’ll never get that day back. WWYD?

I did something similar but the other way around - the special family day first (which was AMAZING) and then the legal registrar's visit the Monday after. The legal bit is short, dull, and very functional. The registrars are professional but they only have a quick interview with you beforehand and there's no time/space to really personalise the ceremony. It was still memorable, of course it was, there's no way it is as special as THE DAY when you have all your best people, the rings, your music and readings, and your fabulous outfits.
I agree with you - keep the legal day to a mere formality, and make THE DAY special. That's my experience anyway! Go back to work and keep your leave for all the fun times afterwards!

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 08/07/2024 12:45

My BiL and SiL did this and they expected the legal wedding to be meaningless, but were surprised how much it meant to them, to the extent that they now celebrate 2 wedding anniversaries. I would take the day .

Olika · 08/07/2024 12:45

If you don't feel like taking a day off then don't take. I wouldn't have even told about your plans to anyone so they cannot give their opinions on something that is none of their business.

Tippet · 08/07/2024 12:47

Gosh, don’t if you don’t want to. I’ve been to several ‘lunchbreak weddings’, including our own, though we did decide at the last minute to not go back in, and take our witnesses for a wonderful lunch instead.

Mumofteenandtween · 08/07/2024 12:51

In life there are three types of days:-

Days that blur together and get a bit forgotten (most days are like this)
Days that you remember for nice reasons
Days that you remember for horrible reasons

Even though it isn’t your actual “day” you are not going to forget the day you got married so why not make it a lovely day for just the two of you.

Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie · 08/07/2024 12:51

We did this, I would recommend taking the day off - or at least the afternoon 🤔

Ilovebees · 08/07/2024 12:52

That’s why marriages don’t mean much anymore these days like they did back in the days , now getting married is just a thing , not a big deal when it should be .

FTPM1980 · 08/07/2024 12:53

I would take the day off...even if you just spend it doing stuff for the proper wedding. Like menu tasting.
Or you could book a massage together or something.
Not tk celebrate the legal bit.. .although why not? But because its all part of the preparations for the big day, and the rest of your marriage.

Although its "just" the legal bit you obviously recognise that the legal bit is important.

All parts are important. The cultural traditions, the personal touches, the legal part, and the lasting commitment all come together to make up a whole that is marriage.

Rainyday4321 · 08/07/2024 12:53

We did this- had lunch in the pub with witnesses. Didn’t make a big deal of it but we did mark it. Going back to work would have felt a bit odd to be honest.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 08/07/2024 12:53

I roared into the house about 15 minutes before our legal ceremony, which was being held in the garden of my parents house. My hair hadn't been washed and I did it wearing a nice dress with my hair in a ponytail. Afterwards we had a BBQ with family. It was nice.
But it was just the legal ceremony and felt no different than th emany other administrative tasks you do leading up to a wedding from meeting the photographer to organising a dinner for family who have travelled from far away. So if you don't feel any need to do anything, no problem.

I will say though that I still have the dress. To my surprise, I feel quite sentimental about it.

Oh, and top tip, make a point of remembering the date - there are times you need the official date of your wedding and it's surprising how difficult it can be to remember! Grin

Grammarnut · 08/07/2024 12:54

Aashni · 08/07/2024 12:11

DP and I get married next month. It’s a large event with many guests, but the religious ceremony isn't legally binding.
Because of this, DP and I are heading to our local registry office next week to do the legal part of the marriage. We don’t want this formality to overshadow our wedding next month, which we consider the actual day we marry. So, for the registry wedding, we aren’t having guests (just two acquaintances as witnesses), no vows or ring exchange, and we’d planned to work that day as usual (it’s over lunchtime).

When sharing our plans with friends and family, we’re told we’re crazy for not taking the day off to celebrate together. But to me, this day is merely a legal formality. DM insists it will be a special and emotional day regardless, and that it would be silly not to acknowledge it as we’ll never get that day back. WWYD?

This 'legal formality' is your real marriage, the bit where you sign the contract and it becomes binding. The wedding you are having later is a religious ceremony, of course, which you will feel to be more binding for you, but it's not the actual marriage. If you don't want to take the day off, fine, though doing it in the lunch hour is pushing things a bit. What if you over-run? Or the people marrying before you run over? Also, friends and family of mine who have had a religious but non-legal ceremony, have also celebrated the registry office wedding with a meal, party, so I see your family's point entirely, and your DM is right, you will never have this day of commitment back.

tennisfann · 08/07/2024 12:57

I’d book a lovely lunch , wear a new dress and definitely take the day off. Getting married is a big deal, this would be more important to me than the big party you are having later on.

Grammarnut · 08/07/2024 12:58

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 08/07/2024 12:53

I roared into the house about 15 minutes before our legal ceremony, which was being held in the garden of my parents house. My hair hadn't been washed and I did it wearing a nice dress with my hair in a ponytail. Afterwards we had a BBQ with family. It was nice.
But it was just the legal ceremony and felt no different than th emany other administrative tasks you do leading up to a wedding from meeting the photographer to organising a dinner for family who have travelled from far away. So if you don't feel any need to do anything, no problem.

I will say though that I still have the dress. To my surprise, I feel quite sentimental about it.

Oh, and top tip, make a point of remembering the date - there are times you need the official date of your wedding and it's surprising how difficult it can be to remember! Grin

If you marry in the UK you will have a certificate of marriage from the registry office (or the church/synogogue if you have a religious ceremony) and this is the date your marriage begins for all purposes. Nice to have two anniversaries to celebrate, though!

inaquandary2024 · 08/07/2024 12:58

I think it depends on what is more important to you
The marriage which will be in the register office
The wedding which will be a party celebration
To me a marriage is more important than a wedding

Grammarnut · 08/07/2024 12:59

tennisfann · 08/07/2024 12:57

I’d book a lovely lunch , wear a new dress and definitely take the day off. Getting married is a big deal, this would be more important to me than the big party you are having later on.

My point exactly. This is the event where you are committing yourselves to each other. From this point you are married.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 08/07/2024 12:59

We had a similar set up but ended up doing the legals two days before our main ceremony (it was on Thursday, wedding was on Saturday) so it made sense to take the day off. We spent the morning running errands and doing wedding bits and pieces, I'm sure I had my final fitting and dress pick-up then actually. Then we got married at 2 and went for lunch with our witnesses who were important to us. Had some champagne and a nice afternoon. It was in no way 'weddingy' but it was nice to take the time out and just chill a bit before the day before which of course can be really hectic.

I totally get your pov but I think it would be weird to go back to work and, as a pp says, have a zoom with Audrey or whoever. Maybe take a half day?