To not take leave on the day we marry?

[Aashni]

DP and I get married next month. It’s a large event with many guests, but the religious ceremony isn't legally binding.
Because of this, DP and I are heading to our local registry office next week to do the legal part of the marriage. We don’t want this formality to overshadow our wedding next month, which we consider the actual day we marry. So, for the registry wedding, we aren’t having guests (just two acquaintances as witnesses), no vows or ring exchange, and we’d planned to work that day as usual (it’s over lunchtime).

When sharing our plans with friends and family, we’re told we’re crazy for not taking the day off to celebrate together. But to me, this day is merely a legal formality. DM insists it will be a special and emotional day regardless, and that it would be silly not to acknowledge it as we’ll never get that day back. WWYD?

You do what you want to do - never mind anyone else’s opinion.

But since you’ve asked for opinions, mine is - take the day off, for all the reasons given. This is actually the day you become married, and the legal bit matters in many, many ways. Take the day to think about and celebrate that. And if it doesn’t matter to you, why have the legal ceremony at all? You know the legal part is important or you wouldn’t be doing it, so take the day to focus on it.

Oh yeah. DM 'surprised' us which would have been fine in itself, but somehow she persuaded someone from her office to give her a lift who then sat in the ceremony??? I'd actually blanked that bit out!

Yes, I have no idea when ours was, and once, when we were in the middle of an international move so didn’t have access to paperwork, but needed our wedding date for something tax-related, I had to actually order a new cert online. I mean, I knew the year, and that it was one of two months…

My SIL is absolutely horrified we don’t remember when we got married.

You needn't mark is as special if you don't want to but, it's your actual wedding day, it won't feel like any other day because it isn't.

If it were me, I'd take the day off (both of you) and decide afterwards if you want lunch with your mothers or a spin around Sainsbury's for the weekly shop, or back to the office. If you book the day off then you have those options.

Take the day off, if for no other reason than you don't want to risk being late and losing your slot because you got stuck at work. You might decide that you want to go for a nice meal afterwards, or head home and sort out more planning for the religious ceremony, but you can see how you feel once it's done.

I think it's fine. A good friend of mine had a similar set up, a large Hindu wedding with a separate civil ceremony at the registry office beforehand. I was a witness and also her bridesmaid. The difference is that their legal bit was just the day before, so it was basically a wedding weekend for her and we did go for lunch together and celebrate. Are your witnesses not taking the day off either?

In response to a previous poster, my friend always counts her wedding anniversary from the religious ceremony.

We did this and our religious leader told us to make it special because it's still part of your marriage. We had a few close family and friends come along and all went out for lunch afterwards. We dressed up a bit too and I brought a new outfit that I could actually wear again! It sort of kicked off the celebrations and added to the excitement, a bit like the run up to Christmas.

But it wasn't their anniversary, was it? And they had a comedy vicar to make it obvious that this was not a wedding but just a fun party (because a singing comedy vicar in a place not licensed for marriage cannot marry you).
What is it that people do not get here? Marriage is a legal contract between two people (and their families who become related to each other) not a big bun fight - that bit comes after the serious legally enforceable ceremony and usually before the bit where you complete the legalities by consummating the marriage (legal requirement as otherwise the marriage can be annulled) - though one of my nieces had the ceremony and the party separated by several months (no idea why, went to the wedding and breakfast, not to later party).

Yes, we have the marriage certificate, of course. We just tend to forget and have to stop to think what the date is when asked for our legal date of marriage!

So am I. It's important to know the legal date.

Yes actually being legally married is far more important than a religious show - nice though the day will be. Why didn't you do both on the same day? It's an odd choice.

You don't necessarily need to mark the day if you really don't want to, but personally, I'd take a half day off, because I've been to quite a few Registry Office weddings which have been delayed.

I’d do the same as you too.

Although I don’t think you can better a friend of ours, who sent his brother to sign the legal marriage paperwork on his behalf as he had to travel suddenly for work, so he didn’t go at all. (Not UK)

They found it hilarious; they have photos of the day of his brother and his wife posing formally up in their house; excellent talking point.

He thankfully did make it to the actual wedding ceremony!

Are you short of annual leave? I’d take the day off and go for a nice lunch because, well, why not? It’s nice to celebrate stuff! The only reason I wouldn’t do it was if I had no annual leave left to take.

We were fortunate in that our religious wedding was also legally recognised. However, it was the religious aspects that meant the most to us, so I would probably feel the same as you, OP. Of course, the legality of a marriage matters, but only usually in the event of death or divorce. What we really cared about, at that time, was being married in our faith, before our God.

Going back to work is fine, if that's what you want. Taking the day off would also be fine. I can't imagine that I'd get much work done afterwards if it was me, but I don't have the best attention span!

I think do what you want it’s your life

Well, I think for many religious people, that is not really true. yes, the legal bit is very important - but that's from a legal standpoint. The wedding is more about the emotional and religious significance of committing to someone forever and can be seen as more binding. Few of us celebrate legal milestones as such - I don't celebrate the day I bought my house, for example, but the act of living in the house is very important to me.

Having said that, we did purposefully have the legal ceremony close to the religious one because we did feel they needed to be linked so it was one of the events in the lead up to our "actual" wedding.

Why the hell does it matter when you celebrate your anniversary?!

OP is not saying she’s not taking it seriously, she just doesn’t see the point of celebrating that day, not that she doesn’t see the importance of the registry office part. No skin off your nose when people celebrate their anniversaries surely?

At my work it would be a paid day off so I would take it. However, if it wasn't I would do a shorter day or a day off. Would be nice to have a nice lunch and not rush to the afternoon meeting with Jane and Bill.

It sounds like, for you, the registry office ceremony is just another piece of legal red tape, like the meetings you have to have with the registrar to give notice and to confirm details for the marriage certificate. It’s box ticking, so that you can go ahead and have the religious ceremony. It makes you legally able to declare yourselves married. But the religious service is what will actually create the marriage for you and your nearly-DH. You wouldn’t have the civil ceremony at all, if it weren’t required by law.

If that’s how you both feel about it, then I think your decision is the right one. By treating it as just another bit of bureaucracy, it’s as though you help yourselves to save your emotional response for the religious ceremony. You’re making a strong statement that the religious ceremony is the special, meaningful day, and that the civil ceremony is just a stepping stone towards that.

Personally, I think that it should be possible to have a “paperwork only” civil marriage, with a more formal and bureaucratic procedure, for people who want to go on to have a non-civil ceremony.

One thing not mentioned is this. If there is a long gap between the legal ceremony and the non-binding religious ceremony, whatever you think about the legal ceremony if the religious wedding/fun celebration is called off, you are still married.

Does your fiance agree with you? If so, don't take any annual leave for that. Who cares what others think.

Yes I’m curious is your fiance wanting to work?

Its your choice but I would say don't underestimate how you feel on the day.
We did have a ceremony in a (non consecrated so civil) chapel and we did say that we were a lot more excited about the party bits afterwards BUT on the day the ceremony was lovely and meant a lot.
Slightly different I know but unless there is a good reason why you can't take time off at least have a day for a nice lunch or something

I am wondering OP, why you shared this news with your friends and family? What did you want them to say?

It is up to you both, obviously, but why bother telling anybody if it's such a non-event for you? Are your colleagues also in 'the know'?