How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

I would tell them that, given the cost of your flight and accommodation, you (unfortunately/sadly/regrettably) won’t be able to pick up the tab for meals and drinks out so can we all pay for ourselves, hope they understand, etc. Once you’ve done it for the first holiday it will be easier from then on, for example, ‘Shall we split the bill like we did last time?’

I've just been on holiday with my adult children (I often pay entire bills but not always and they ALWAYS offer, which is the difference) and before we even went there was a chat on the family group chat about Monzo and some app called (IIRC) Bill Splitter. So it was all sorted before we went, who would pay for what and how we would cover meals. We had a kitty for food at the villa and all paid for ourselves when we went out (although one person would often pay and we'd pay them back).

It's a discussion that needs to be had before you go.

I am in my 40s and my DM still pays for every single meal. If i sneak off and pay it upsets her, she goes and gets a copy of the receipt and puts the money in my bank. She pays for me, DH & DC. We realised a long time ago there is no point arguing as it genuinely upsets her so we now just host her for dinner and regularly send treat/gift baskets of her favourite things. In my head that evens it out a little.

I agree with these two posts. Eating out is expensive whoever is paying. So actually, my first suggestion would be to cut down on the eating out! Ask if you could use their kitchen to make sandwiches for your lunches. Or make it clear you will be buying a sandwich for yourself and not a sit down meal at lunch time. That deals with half the meals. Hopefully they offer to cook one night. You could offer to cook one night at their house. Then you are down to 3 dinners (I think). Your choice as to how you approach those - my suggestions for options would be either pay for all, or make it clear that you will pay for (say) one. For example you could say ‘it would be nice to try some of the local restaurants. Do you have a favourite? I would like to treat you to a meal out, could you send me a couple of suggestions?’. And then when you get them, pick one and book it and make clear you are paying for that one as a treat.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a “holiday” though, it sounds like it’s the OP visiting her daughter at her daughters home location, which does change the dynamic.

I pay sometimes but rarely for drinks. They drink more than me but do buy me some. We sometimes split the meal bill. They're both earning. Ds1 is on much more than dh and I. He's fairly generous. Ds2 is in the forces and coughs up when he's reminded.

I hope you're dcs do pay or split. Enjoy your trip.

Why do you need to be tactful with your own kids. ‘Don’t think I’m paying for yous lot every night, we’ll be splitting the bills now you’re working.’ Is fine

We just do it as we go along and don’t do awkward bill splitting. So if there’s an entrance fee somewhere I’d say to DD ‘if you get this, we’ll buy dinner later’ and I always go for the most expensive option. But then we do things we can all comfortably afford (and recognise that we are incredibly lucky to be able to do so).

Firstly, your DH parents sound awful. Your DH must be so embarrassed to take you to stay with them and they won't even provide drinks or snacks for you at home. That's really something else.

In our family it's always been the norm for my parents to pay for everything. They pay for all meals out for us (I'm 50s and DBs 40s). They are well off and say that they want to enjoy the money and are happy for us to benefit from it while they are alive. Any attempt to pay for a meal and I find it transferred back into my account the next day. My mil has less money and so we treat her whenever possible though she is a very generous host in her own home. We will treat our children the same as long as we are able to afford it. Our mortgage is paid off and we will want to help them all they can while they get an even footing in whatever life they choose.

When you first posted it sounded like you had all booked a big family holiday and in those circumstances I don't think anyone would expect you to pay every single lunch, dinner and drink. However I do think it's different if you are going out to stay with them. They will now have to pay for meals that they wouldn't normally just because you are out visiting them. I've lived abroad before and when people come to visit, it's so expensive. Obviously they want to be out enjoying themselves, experiencing bars and nice restaurants when usually you would be eating at home getting an early night for work the next day. It will be lovely for them to see you but its not a holiday for them, its just normal day to day. They may not be able to afford esting out as much as you would want to.So maybe not a good time to start splitting costs when you never have before, especially if you can afford it no problem.

Excellent!

Honestly, you just need to say, ahead of going, "Please make sure you bring enough money to cover your share of food/drink etc for the holiday".

I am 31 and any holiday I have had with my mum, we have either split it or took it turn about. I wouldnt expect her to pay for my meal unless it was my birthday or another celebration for me.

It’s not a holiday though, it’s the OP visiting her DD.

I always pay for DC & DGC as we can afford it.

When we all go out as a family with DH's DP's, we take it in turns with them to pay.

DC could never afford to pay for everyone.

yes, agree, most people can talk to their kids about most things, but it's about how you say it so they don't feel offended / put out whatever.

@LuckySantangelo35 I honestly think Op that some people on here think that if you can’t go and pay for everyone and everything than you shouldn’t be going on this trip

I don’t think that’s what people are saying. If someone CAN’T then they can’t, simple as that, there is no choice. That’s different to when someone can but does not want to for whatever reason.

I have adult kids, some out of uni and in professional jobs. DH/I pay when we go out as we’d prefer the kids save towards deposits that make loan repayments doable. Simple as that. Yes, they know the value of money. Yes, they know what bills cost and how to budget. No, they don’t expect it or feel entitled to it, but it’s our preference. However, if they were out whooping it up going on self-funded holidays, spending money on drink/drugs, buying shit they don’t need* etc then we certainly wouldn’t have the attitude we do.

*Disclaimer for those that will jump on this. Yes, they still have lives but have a modest spend such as going to movies/laser tag/bowling once a month with times inbetween lower cost like movie nights here or at friends houses splitting cost of pizza, cards/games nights here or at friends houses, free movies in the park in summer, etc. They also do the occasional big ticket item such as concert tickets for bands they love (and will spend big to get good seats).

I think it's very difficult to change the dynamic all at once. I think your original post isn't so clear that you are visiting your DD. If you can't afford it then just say so but offer to help cook at home. Also be aware that they are giving up their time to host and take you out. Personally, I would pay where you can. If your daughter lives in NZ then I suspect you don't get to see her much so don't dampen the mood of the trip as that really would be a waste of cash.

I agree with this. When me and my partner lived abroad it was lovely to have visitors but it was always so expensive for us as they'd inevitably want to go to a nice restaurant every night and do all of the expensive touristy things we'd done a million times before.

It might be worth having a conversation about this so she doesn't feel resentful about spending hundreds of pounds on meals and activities that she doesn't really want to do.

The issue you can have is that you pay for your adult children. Then along come partners and children. So instead of paying for another one you're paying for another four.

If you've got three grown children in the same situation you end up paying for another 12 people, so 14 including yourselves.

You can't keep on doing this.

I agree, but they aren't all going on holiday. OP and her DH are visiting her DD and husband who live in a one bed flat in New Zealand.
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Just download Splitwise and send them the group invite. They will get the memo

Many parents believe it's good for their kids to be treated like autonomous adults and helped to stand on their own two feet. My therapist actually asked me why I wasn't charging my adult kids rent, and told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't a healthy situation.

Is it your therapist's role to be so prescriptive? How strange.
You can be an autonomous adult and live in the family home if need be, and have the odd meal paid for. Mine have managed to become completely autonomous adults, working and living independently in spite of sometimes being helped financially by me and their dad. Oh, and I once took in my daughter's friend after she couldn't afford her rent.

Being part of a family doesn't make you a freeloader. Perhaps discuss that with your therapist.

I find it very hard to believe a therapist would overstep the mark like this.

I remembered so proud when i was 24 and i got qualified in my job, i moved off the trainee wage and the first thing i did was treat my parents to a meal out and i paid!!

Always baffled when grown adults earning decent money allow their retired pensioner parents to pay for everything.

I remember the first time I took my parents for a meal too.

Nowadays Dad & I take turns to treat each other, or if siblings are there too we’ll usually split between us & treat him.