How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

What you need is a kitty. All put the same in and all drinks, meals, ice creams, trips come out of it.

I think it depends on financial circumstances. With close family I think it's natural that the most financially comfortable person contributes more but each family is different! In your case I think the fact that you are spending a lot to get there is also significant in the equation.

Why is it being personal to point out that some people have the financial resources to pay for unlimited meals for adult children but other people don't?

People keep suggesting a kitty but I think this is quite complicated in a modern age, surely? You're likely not to want/be able to pay everything in cash, so does that mean that you all transfer money to one person who then does the actual physical paying for everything?

Why do you need a kitty when you say that you'll pay for your own? Don't get it!

That is not the problem, and you know it. It was the unpleasant sentence beginning "you must be very fortunate... grubby business...pollute etc"
Negative and judgemental about me personally.
Argue the point, don't have a go at me. You don't know how privileged I am, you don't know about my finances and to suggest that I find finances "grubby and polluting" is uncalled for and unnecessary.

Hence why the splitwise app is useful. It doesn't matter who pays for what on the day, you just log it. At the end of the trip, Splitwise tallies up who owes what to whom.

But why when you can just order separately or just use your brain and do the maths?

I'm suspired and a bit disappointed by quite a few posts suggesting that if you are not paying you can expect less contact in future. Is that the only reason people go to dinner with the parents, to get a free meal?!

My parents have a large disposable income, we are saving for a house and have small children. We still offer to pay, probably don't pay as often as they do. But the offer is always there because they are my parents, they are brilliant people who have put me first ever since I arrived, have taught me good manners and gratitude and confidence and I want to say thank you, buying them dinner every now and then is the very least I can do.

Exactly. Some of these responses are questionable. I would just be direct and no-nonsense. They’re adults so tell them straight.

My parents always insisted on paying for us. We always pick up the bill for our adult children and partners and always will as long as we can afford it. If we couldn't there would need to be a conversation. Both of our children have high mortgages, student debt, car loans etc and we can remember what that was like.

I think it's really bad they haven't offered to cover you before now! I was so proud to pay for a meal out for my parents with my first pay check. It felt like a real passing of the baton moment! I now end up battling my mum most times as we both want to pay for each other! I would also be so embarrassed to let my in-laws pick up the tab every time - I always nudge DH to pay for everyone when we're out with them but their family seem to like splitting it equally, which is also fine.

Adult relationships should never be one-way, unless someone is severely disabled etc. It's about give and take. Of course you will still want to treat your children occasionally, but they should also love treating you in return!

In your shoes I'd definitely send the pre-travel message along the lines of wondering how much money to convert, so should we split all meals or do a kitty. I'd also say something like "we'd love to treat you to a goodbye meal on our last night" to show you're still being very generous. Shame on them if they are anything other than very willing to contribute!

Who’s idea was it to eat out ten times?

I wouldn’t be thrilled if relatives came to visit me and wanted to eat out all the time, costing me an arm and a leg in the process! I think the norm when visiting someone is that they host and provide the bulk of the meals cooked at home and you bring wine/gifts and treat them to a meal or two out.

Regardless you need to warn them of the plan ahead of time.

We have had a couple of holidays with adult dc who are both earning well. We subsidised accomodation but they paid their own flights and we split costs for meals, trips out etc. Everyone happy.

We still pay if going out for a meal although the DC do offer from time to time.

I wonder if in a situation like yours, the approach needs to be a bit more casual and almost jokey? You know, "Right you lot, we've paid a bloody fortune to get out here and we've been happy to pick up the bills in the past but you're grown adults now and it's time to act like it. Let's split this one down the middle." Or even in advance when chatting about the trip - "I'm just glad you guys have good jobs now so we can go to some nice places and split the bill - I've been waiting for you all to be properly grown up for ages!"

Right kids, you are all grown up now so wanted to give you a heads up about meals on our holiday coming up. I'm not paying for all your meals, you'll need to blow the cobwebs off your own debit cards 😂.

At least that's what my mum would say to me!!

I wouldn’t be thrilled if relatives came to visit me and wanted to eat out all the time, costing me an arm and a leg in the process!

Yeah I think this is totally fair. I always split the bill with my parents but it annoys me sometimes as they are quite frivolous with money. If we go out for dinner they'll always get three courses and a nice bottle of wine x 2 and/or cocktails which is something me and my partner would only do for a special occasion. I don't think they realise quite how much our outgoings spike when we spend time with them!

You could still offer to pay sometimes.
Discuss the plan before hand so that your kids are prepared.
Talk directly - don't text, and ask whether they are financially able to afford some of their own food and that they might need to factor in extra spending money.

They will likely step up and want to shout you a meal or two
You could all agree to pay for your own lunches and take turns for dinners etc.

“I'm suspired and a bit disappointed by quite a few posts suggesting that if you are not paying you can expect less contact in future. Is that the only reason people go to dinner with the parents, to get a free meal?!”

This!! If my offspring treated me in such a way I’d probably be GLAD to see them less to be quite frank.

That's how they are millionaires 😳

I think it's also worth getting there and seeing the lie of the land. We have posts on here all the time from people who on paper seem to have money, but are finding things hard, and food is very expensive in NZ. I'd go and have a cup of tea, as my username suggests, and have a bit of chat about how the rest of the visit is going to work. It's fine for you to say it's cost a lot to get here and worth every penny, but we might not be able to eat out all the time, they might have similar concerns and then you can decide how to fund food and eating out and how much to do of each.

The fact that they haven't even offered to pick up the bill speaks volumes. I definitely offered as soon as I started earning.

Your DH is right, they sound a bit spoilt and entitled. I think you need to be blunt with them. Warn them in advance that they will need a food budget!

My in-laws insist on paying for everyone but we will sneak up to pay so they don't pay for every meal. We are in our late 40s and it's ridiculous to expect parents to still pay. My DM never pays for everyone, we always split it, and as working adults, that it absolutely the correct way to behave.

My dad did this, very smoothly and sweetly when I was a very young adult. We were about to go for lunch, and he said 'I'd like to buy dinner for you tonight, so are you happy to buy lunch for us?'. It was a great introduction to bill splitting, and still felt like my dad was being generous, as dinner was the more expensive of the two. He never had to ask again.

We have just had this as a family. We have been on holidays several times as a family and always paid - for the accommodation and meals. However, having paid over $6000 for the house last time, and wanting the "children" (all adults earning similar to our pensions) to take some responsibility for their meal choices, and to share the restaurant bills - rather than one or two of the four plus partners sometimes offering, we set up a meal sharing app. We took turns at paying, but then charged the others back for meals, and other things via the app. This way, people paid for what they did/ate. We didn't "charge" for other things like car, petrol, groceries, but wanted them to take responsibility for their choices.