How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

My son did the same when he first got his job! I didn't want to go anywhere too expensive, so we went to Pizza Express and it was one of the nicest meals I've ever had!
It's nice when families care for each other and want to support one another.

Right offspring. Now that you are both fully fledged adults earning your own money I'm incredibly proud of you both. This holiday feels less the right time to mark the changing dynamic and so I'd like us to start splitting lunch and dinner bills like equal adults. We can do this by means of a kitty we all pay into, or I'm more than happy to have a rota and take turns. Be warned i will still slip into mum woth young children mode any buy you the odd icecream

God don't do this. Am cringing reading this. Does anyone speak to their family like this?

I think OP if you had told everyone in your OP that you were going to your daughter for a visit instead of saying you were on a family holiday you would have had very different replies. It's a very different dynamic. You and your DH are on holiday but your daughter isnt

@XiCi god I couldn't agree more, absolutely cringe worthy advice.

Because you are visiting them there's a slightly different dynamic at play. My understanding is that they will be at home and you will stay nearby. Isn't it likely they will offer to cook for you on some nights? If it's not actually their holiday it's unfair to expect them to pay to eat out every night. Not many household budgets would stretch to that.

I would just say you are happy to pay for dinner on the last night but will need to split the bill otherwise. Dont make a big deal of it but make expectations clear. Better to speak to them than text I would think.

This sounds like my and my husbands families and will certainly be us when our daughters are grown up.

I can not understand why parents are mean to their children, my parents love treating us all...and yes we do pay occasionally to show our appreciation.

But weirder than thr not wanting to treat your children is your inability to know how to approach it with them! How do you not know how is best to communicate with your own children, it's just odd. Surely you would know best how to broach your own children about any topic rather than strangers who may have a different dynamic with their family.

I'm one of 8 kids and I can imagine my parents face if they had to foot the bill for us lot and not to mention the 28 grandchildren between us lol

I agree with this. Don't make a big deal of it, but just state it as a perfectly natural thing to happen, which indeed it is.

Also some people are very keen to label your DCs as cheeky grifters and that seems unfair, particularly if you have always dealt with the bill before anyone else could.

Have a wonderful time. NZ is fabulous, I hope you get some time to travel around as well as seeing your DD.

Imagine if OPs daughter paid for flights from NZ to the UK to visit her mum. And then paid for her own accommodation and her breakfasts, lunches and most dinners (assuming mum hosts a couple of nights) whilst in the UK. And her mum said she wouldn't go out for dinner unless the daughter paid for her too because it isn't her holiday.

@InWalksBarberalla Quite. However, no doubt some people on here would still consider the daughter to be a "freeloader" 😂

Wow! So Op you can easily afford to pay just don't want to? When did they stop being your kids and become the same as regular adults?
You comment on your DHs millionaires parents not providing a thing and have a hint of resentment in your writing....perhaps ask yourself why that is and see if that's how you want your kids to feel about you!!
I will pay for mine for as long as I can afford!

I think you need to tackle it head on now. The time for tact has passed. I can't believe that they have never treated you to a meal. What about birthdays and mothers day?

Rather than split we do us getting one meal and then parents get the next meal.

With in law's we get what we like and with my parents we don't go all out as it gets too expensive.

I think I'd just tell your dd in advance that it's time she paid her way. Be wary that it might be a lot for her to eat out every meal. I am also surprised she doesn't want to have lunches and breakfast at home but are you sightseeing together?

Just say, ‘Kids, now you’re fully fledged working adults were asking for a contribution of £100 each to the kitty for drinks and meals. You can transfer it to [acct details] before we do.’

I’m really shocked your kids have accepted this.

Are you calling me a liar?

Many do though

We can easily afford to pay however DS is now on close to 30K PA as is his GF, he lives at home paying a small amount of rent per week, she also stays over 2 nights a week. So it’s now been decided we pay for food and they pay for drinks. I have a soft drink and then just water and DH will have just two drinks whereas they will have a few. So we went out last month food bill very reasonable as it was a pre theatre supper deal at £18 per head so £72 food which DH paid, drinks bill was £40 and I chucked in the £10 tip.

We treated them both to a weeks holiday last year, paid all accommodation and travel and the deal was they bought dinner a couple of nights. His GF had her first pay packet drop when we were away and she bought a cream tea in addition which was a very sweet gesture. I was out with a friend one evening already arranged as near my home town. I am allergic to seafood so off they went to a seafood restaurant, DS got a bit drunk and the bill was huge but he paid.

I think always subbing adult children can make them a bit dependant, expectant.

Of course not, just shocked at how unprofessional the therapist was

I think that's a bit harsh! They are mid to late twenties, and we have never split the bill, EVER. I pay the whole bill, every time, even if it's Mother's Day, or my Birthday. I don't want them to treat me, I am merely thinking that by now, shouldn't we be splitting the bill? Esp if we have several meals out on the trot. Yes, I can afford to pay for everyone all the time. Does that mean I should though?

Re DH's very rich parents never treating us to anything EVER, well, I guess it's a stark contrast to how I have been with my children, so yes I notice it. Try arriving at their 2nd home abroad at 11pm, after a day of travel, and being offered no food and no drink. Next day, they eat breakfast, but there is none for us. We have to find a supermarket to get food. Don't know the area well, so it takes hours to find one open (bank holiday). Probably went almost 24 hours with nothing to eat or drink. Yes, it rankles, esp when they are so rich. Maybe it wouldn't bother you, but it bothered me, and yes, I am resentful.

They sound awful, and I can understand why it's difficult to work out appropriate boundaries when the "example" you've seen is so unbalanced.

I am genuinely shocked at two sets of behaviour, that your adult children have never ever bought you a meal even on your special occasions and the scarcely believable behaviour by your in-laws (who by the way I would personally refuse to visit, they sound fucking evil). Maybe you have been so anxious to avoid the behaviour of yout husbands parents that the pendulum has swung way too far in the other direction. Your children need to be told to shape up and personally I'd not worry about being too tactful about it. They're nearly a third of their way through their lives, long since past time they acted like the adults they are.

I am genuinely shocked at two sets of behaviour, that your adult children have never ever bought you a meal even on your special occasions ..

are you single? When we go out for a special occasion, I buy for my husband or him me, we don’t expect our kids to pay.

Including mothers day? The OP's husband is not their dad and I'm pretty sure they've had meals where he wasn't there.

I am really shocked that your offspring wouldn’t even pay on the bill on occasion such as MOTHERS DAY!! 😮

Surely no one here thinks that’s ok?!!?

No, I'm married, but like a PP says, my DH is not my DC's father. We have been together a long time though - since they were in primary school.

Defo never going back to in-laws home abroad, after that debacle.

Maybe you have been so anxious to avoid the behaviour of yout husbands parents that the pendulum has swung way too far in the other direction

I think there could be some truth to this.

Very weird behaviour from PIL, In stark contrast to my own parents, who were not well off, but who would have a hearty meal on the table when you arrived, and a large glass of wine thrust in your hand, before you'd even got your shoes off (followed by many top ups throughout the evening). When you opened your eyes the next morning, you could smell the sausage and bacon on the grill. Chalk and cheese!