How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

[adultkidsquestion]

I have 2 adult kids, who are mid to late twenties. When we go out to eat, I have always paid the full bill. I've happily done this, because it's only in the last few years, that they have obtained well paid employment (they were at Uni before that).

I am wondering how to shift the dynamic now, so that we split the bills. We don't eat out often, but we have a holiday coming up, where we will most likely eat out for several nights on the trot, plus maybe eat out at lunch time, and go to bars for drinks. This will mean a considerable amount of expense to me, if I pay for all of it. I should say that I could afford it, but it just seems a bit excessive, given that they are now earning well. DH (who is not their Dad) thinks that it's time they were treated like adults, and I do see his point.

I don't know whether to say something at the time, or to text beforehand, and in either case, I'm not sure quite how to phrase it!

Your parents sound warm, lovely, welcoming and normal! It sounds exactly like the kind of vibe one wants to have in your home and to encourage your children to have in theirs. But eating and drinking out and the expense associated with it demands a different and more reciprocal and shared approach I think. You recognise that, now you have to get that across to your children.

Well shame on them for not paying for your meals from time to time.

I am a single mum to 2 adult DDS who earn more or the same as me..on Birthdays I will pay for the Birthday DD. Both have partners if I paid every time we went out to eat or socialise it wouldn't happen very often..but we all enjoy socialising together so split the bill and they treat me occasionally..if I cook ar home they bring wine..it never occurred to my DDs that once they were earning that i should pay for them and there partners.

I think the who earns more is a red herring. I “earn” more than my parents but they have over a million pounds of liquid assets and a seven figure mortgage free home. I know who’s the better off!

I’m 30 and my brother is 32. My dad still pays for us and wouldn’t have it any other way. We always offer though, but he says no. I’d be paying for my children for as long as I can if I could. Personal preference

Last year was our first holiday abroad after DD had graduated uni. She had only been working full time for a couple of months. We paid for the holiday and most of meals out, but she treated us to lunch a few times and bought us rounds of drinks, coffees and ice creams etc. Surely your adult children will offer to pay for some meals out.

Just call them and tell them

For you it's a holiday but not for her daughter. OP you mentioned going out several nights on the trot and lunches etc, if they are giving up time, driving or taking you around, then it seems awkward to not pay for a meal for them. The alternative would be that you and DH do your own things as you would on holiday and invite them over to your rented place for dinner in the evenings.

not straightforward.

if you (not dh, but you) can afford it- pay.

i would put a stop at 30. mid to late 20 when you can afford, is fine.

do you have separate finances?

Are you and DD not close? If so, why so hard to discuss finances before leaving the UK about your expectation that they should pick up part pf the bill? I would offer first and last meals before you get there.

You say DH;s parents are millionaires. Maybe your kids think they and you have hit teh millionaires jackpot with Dh and his millionaires parents?

Just cannot understand why you can not speak to your kids as part of arranging teh trip.

My DDad would offer to pay for the wine and then the rest of the meal is split.

I would never have allowed my dm to pay for every single meal for me. She would have if I’d let her but it wouldn’t have been right. And dh wouldn’t either. We often used to have to sneak off to pay the bill before she got chance to avoid a row!

I think I’d be very disappointed and hurt if my kids didn’t offer to treat me once in a while, particularly on special occasions like birthdays and Mother’s Day. I can afford to pay and would of course be happy to do so most of the time, but I’d be a bit ashamed if they didn’t at least offer.

We tend to take turns with dd but she earns far more than me! She offers so no issue

My adult children and I use Splitwise to keep a record of who’s spent what. They all earn much more than me - I’m semi retired - and it all evens out. Having said that I do quite often pay and “forget” to add it to the total or wipe out someone’s outstanding bill.

What about in advance something like, “Now that you’re an adult who is doing well, it would be great if we could start alternating who pays for meals out, or split the bill. I’d still love to treat you sometimes - it’s just that now that we’re equals, it would feel good to me if we both treated each other as a reflection of that equality. I’m so proud of you.” Or something like that.

I would tell them in advance that you will "treat" them to a meal on the first and last night of the holiday but other meals the bill will be split between you, of course if they want to have a night out alone/ together during the holiday that is fine with you.

I changed my mind after reading more of your posts. What about something like, “Now that you’re an adult who is doing well, it would be great if we could start splitting the bill. I’d still love to treat you sometimes - it’s just that now that we’re equals, it would feel good to me if our default assumption would be that we both pay our way as a reflection of that equality. I’m so proud of you.” Or something like that.

And I don’t think you should ever pay on Mothers’ day or your birthday. They should book a place they can afford. If they are treating you though, don’t order a bottle of expensive champagne, as my dad did to me once in my early 20s! I remember silently stressing because I couldn’t afford it and I had to put it on my credit card! It took me a few months to pay it off. It’s all good though - he’s took me out loads when I was a kid.

I am quite horrified that your successful, adult children don’t even think to pay their own way on mother’s day! It’s bad enough that they’re not treating you to a meal, but to not even pay for themselves… I don’t think they’re coming across very well here.

I know I think I think it’s proper bad - shame on them!

making their mum pay for a MOTHERS DAY meal!!

When I started in the Civil Service aged 20 I then always paid for my parents, and still at school siblings.
When DS and DIL were struggled Ng, we paid for them.

You will have an apartment so won’t be eating all those meals together surely? Breakfast and lunch will be just you and partner? Even if you all get on perfectly it’s prob best not to spend all day every day together. They will cook dinner a night maybe and eat out a couple of times? So I don’t think it will be as excessive as you think.

also your partner seems to have his own baggage around this so just be aware of that and that he isn’t being tighter than you would otherwise

When we all go out as a family, my grandad pays, without question. When we go out just parents and siblings, my mum pays. When me and DP go out with his son, one of us pays.

I don't know if it's just in our family, but it's an unwritten rule that the oldest generation present pays.

I can't actually imagine asking my stepson to put his hand in his pocket, despite the fact he's earning a decent wage. Because so are we. As are my parents. And my grandparents are very well off.

if your son or daughter won the lottery and became millionaires would you still think it right to pay for them because you are their parents?

Tell them that now they are working it is the time to contribute and pay their way.

My son who is at uni has taken me for the odd meal.

I still pay for as much as I can for my three when they are home but my eldest who is working will pick up shopping when he's home for a few days and refuse to let me pay him back.

Kids who are working and just take and don't offer have not been brought up well.

Will you be eating out for all meals or just dinners

If it's dinner maybe suggest hi guys how do you want to approach group dinners out on holiday, each pay for 1-2 nights (buyer picks restaurant) or split bills every evening?

If it was then me I'd go happy to pay as I go so I don't end up paying for my siblings love of food or mothers love of wine 😆