To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

[AvrilAprill]

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

If he was at the school gates actively seeking a 16 year old gf then that would be weird.

But being introduced, or meeting at an event, or working together, and just liking each other and discovering ages later isn't really creepy or weird imo and I feel a bit sorry for this happy couple who are being judged as something dirty by you.

The average age on Mumsnet skews pretty old, so I'm not surprised most people here don't have an issue with it. But I agree with you, OP, that it's gross and not acceptable. If we were talking about their specific daughters, I doubt the posters would be fine with it. Posters here just love to be contrary to whatever an OP posts.

I can't imagine how much of a loser a 21 year old man would have to be, that he was compatible with a 16 year old child. And that's giving him the kind reading where he "loved" her, rather than the probably more accurate one that he was a creep. Like you say, if a 21 year old woman posted here about the schoolboy she’d fallen in love with, people wouldn’t think it was fine.

Really op? Really?

@AvrilAprill
What business is it of yours?
Either you enjoy their current company or you don’t.
If you’re judging them over something that happened years ago, I think they should re-evaluate their friendship with you.

Yes, they really would. I'm 20 and if anyone on mine and my friends social periphery started dating a 16 year old they would be getting called a pedo and shamed pretty intensely. I know this because it's happened. It was all over Facebook and insta too.

I really don’t see a problem with that. My DD is 16, my DS is almost 20. I don’t see much difference in terms of their maturity and no I wouldn’t have a problem with my DD dating a 20yr old. 20 is still very young in my opinion, DS is at Uni and enjoying life, he’s not a million miles away from DD who is about to start sixth form and think about Uni choices

You sound a lot younger than 20, honestly.

Okay? Well that is how old I am. Just trying to give a perspective from someone who is actually 20. I cannot imagine dating a 20 year old as a 16 year old and it disgusts me to think about myself dating a 16 year old now.

1. No adult man is going ANYWHERE near my 15 year old daughter.
2. Thinking back to my early 20s, if any of the lads in my friendship group had been sniffing around teen girls, I would’ve thought he was being creepy—and would have given him an earful.
3. ewww

I agree with you op, I'd be mindful of any potential signs of a controlling relationship for my new friend if I were you. There's a big difference between a 4 year age gap at 30/34 and 16/20 in terms of maturity, life stages etc. Also wouldn't be happy with my child, either gender, dating a 20 year old when they're 16.

Bloody hell it's the relationship police again.
Why do you feel uncomfortable? What impact does it have on your life?
Are you so judgemental about everything?
What a horrible world we live in if a young couple with an insignificant age gap are judged for falling in love

I think its a bit of a bob issue really.OK not ideal but they have lasted the distance .You have made new friends (not that easy when you are older)and seem to be judging them rather harshly.I would let it go ,its not really going to impact upon you at all!

My dad was 6 years older than my mom when they started dating in the early 70's, she was 17 and he was 23. They were married for 40 years.

Until he falls in love with a girl that age

When I was 16 many moons ago we were expected to be in the workplace full time or at college studying and working part time. We were treated more like adults and expected to fit into the adult world. We weren't children, we were tax paying members of the public.
Nowadays young people seem to babied into their late 20s so no wonder people think its odd a 16 year old having a relationship with a 21 year old.
It wasn't that unusual back in the day.

Grim. Different if it was say, 80 odd years ago but nope grim. I agree OP

Oh, ffs, it’s a small age gap and 16 is the age of consent in the UK. If she had been 14, then yes, that would be wrong, but she wasn’t, and most 20-year olds I know are still pretty immature themselves and these days often still living with their parents, so I really don’t see the issue. Two young people legally got together and stayed together - big deal (not).

Errrr, this is now in past. Their partnership has lasted more than peoples marriages with ‘favourable’ age gaps?!!

stop judging, ffs

I think now it would be a weird.
20 years ago not so much, I used to work in a bar at that age and the whole team used to drink, club and socialise together, age wasn’t really an issue (maybe it should have been!)

Times have changed, which is why views are polarised. Take for example the teachers having relationships with their 16/17 year old students. The law banning teachers dating 16/17 year olds only came into place in 2001 and didn’t include 18 year olds, who were considered adults and fine to have a relationship with a teacher.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7653326.stm#:~:text=In%202001%2C%20the%20law%20was,their%20school%20aged%20under%2018.

Would I want my 16 yo dd to have a relationship with a 20/21 yo man? No, absolutely not because I see this from a safeguarding perspective and all we know in 2024. Did I do it myself, yes, absolutely. Did my parents bat an eyelid? No.

My friend married a man when she was 16 and he was 35. Friends and I present discussed the relationship as we thought the gap was too big and collectively decided anyone over 30 was too old.

My conclusion therefore op and presuming they’ve been together for a while is that times have changed and there was no issue then. Ergo there should be no issue now.

I get it. It’s really hard to separate the happy couple now from the 20 year old who was into a 16 year old.

I would definitely think differently of the guy in this situation. Bit grim for a 20 year old adult to find a 16 year old child attractive. A 4 year age gap later in life? Not at issue. When the other person is under 18? Grim

@AvrilAprill

can you explain why YOU think that's gross.

This is a very modern take!

In the 50s and 60s (and in centuries before) teenage marriages were much more common. No, I wouldn't like it or recommend it, but there's nothing instrinsically wrong with it. It's just changing cultural expectations - that women will complete their education and build a career before marrying/getting a partner.