Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

I don’t think it was worth a shot, too risky unless you know really well how your baby will respond. DD would have probably ending up breath holding in which scenario the parent will be terrified and needs to be not driving, plus the child needs supervising in case they pass out and injure themselves (it can occasionally cause fitting). Even if just more crying it can be a dangerous situation, they may cry themselves sick and be gagging or just sounding distressed and distracting the parent. It’s one thing if there is another adult and you are going out to see if that calms them, but with just the driver and a rush to get somewhere, I wouldn’t.

Thank you for sharing this, @Balloonhearts

This is also my approach and I have been in this situation many times (I have 2 U 2!).

I was beginning to think I was the only one taking this approach! I would never leave the house if I waited for both children to be happy!

Sorry OP, I understand you are a new mum and still navigating things so I don't mean this to come across rudely.

Interesting that despite many posters presumably being parents, responses are very unsympathetic and harsh! Bloody hell I remember too well how hard those first months were. I'd have done the exact same OP. You've done nothing wrong apart from (sadly) have a baby. If it's something she can't make allowances for then it's best to let your friendship go, for now. Because babies, then toddlers then older kids all present challenges which means plans have to be cancelled at a minute's notice.

Reminds me of a particularly difficult day when I had a baby and toddler, we were trying to get across the city to meet friends, took an age to get out the house and then DS did the messiest poo just as we were about to board the train and I just couldn't...I had to turn us all back home because I was overwhelmed. My friends (not parents) understood, or at least didn't give me a hard time.

To add, I also think your friends reaction is very OTT! Very unnecessary.

I'd be pretty annoyed to drive 30mins to be sitting in a cafe waiting for someone who wasn't going to turn up. Perhaps this isn't the first time she has been messed about with someone who has kids. Perhaps she was really looking forward to it and built herself up for the meet up.

There is often an expectation rightly or wrongly among parents for people that don't have children - that there time isn't as important.

Yeah all these “stick ‘em on n the car” people—I once drove my screaming child two hours while she screamed inly to have her fall asleep when we got there. There is no guarantee that the child will fall asleep.

You don't know until you try though.
For many babies it does sooth them. Obviously not every single one. If it doesn't work and it gets too stressful, just pull over to give yourself a minute.
I'd rather do that, send a text to friend and tell her not to worry but I'm on my way and will be there ASAP rather than be a no show. I would have been livid if I had travelled 30 mins and was told after I had arrived that someone wasn't showing. I would prefer late with a good reason.

how old is your baby?

be kind to yourself.
see people who are kind to you and move on from this unforgiving friend

There is often an expectation rightly or wrongly among parents for people that don't have children - that there time isn't as important.

I've definitely had this. So, I don't see them anymore. Because that's some BS.

Some people are fair weather friends. They are fine when you are providing all the support they need but as soon as you need it they're off. Just accept that she's not very understanding and move on.

sorry op, but when this type of thing happens over something seemingly small it’s normally that it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s very rarely about just one little thing.

Well, I'd have put the baby in the car seat. If breastfed I would have fed the baby, which generally calms them down, and then put them in the car seat. However, that's bye the bye because your 'friend' has just shown you what sort of person she is. When people do this believe them. Block her and find some nice friends.

Sorry Op, messages coming in waves.

I was recently driving out of London and was stuck in traffic with no where to pull over. My little boy started screaming and continued to scream until I could pull over (20 mins later) and it was bloody stressful! So I can understand why you didn't want to drive with baby like that.

However (and I didn't mean it harshly!) I would never leave the house if I waited for both children to be happy. As long as they are fed, clean no wind etc I personally crack on with it. But it has taken me 2 years to be this way and I probably wouldn't have been at 12 weeks postpartum as you are learning the ropes.

Your friend sounds OTT and quite frankly you are better off without her. I can totally understand why she was miffed, but her reaction is appalling. She could have just responded to say she was disappointed etc, not blocking you and sending a mean message.

We haven't really texted much after I gave birth, I only sent her some pictures of my baby and we chatted a bit about her life.

I have always been a good friend, invited her to my place plenty of times

These two sentences stood out to me. Why didn’t you text much? Perhaps this upset her.

Do you ever go to her? I had a friend who lived a 30 minutes drive away and she always insisted either meeting half way (and always at a place of her choosing) or at her flat. Sometimes she’d text me after I’d already set off to say ‘actually can you come to mine’. There were other things too and one day I realised I’d just had enough.

But even if she had tried that would not have appeased the friend’s resentment which is over the OP not prioritizing her and making the visit happen despite the infant’s needs.

This is not about a PFB situation. My second child was a projectile vomiter if she cried too much. Overriding her need for comfort always produced a soaked child and mother.

The fact of the matter is that the OP’s friend had a hair trigger response to OP’s failure to make the planned event. That is on her. If she can’t be flexible and understanding then she will slowly lose friends because with the best will in the world sometimes our friends have accidents or needs that conflict with a goddamned cup of tea.

I agree with you. But there’s a difference between a 3 month old being unhappy and blue crying.

I think you did fine but next time you might want to warm friends that babies are unpredictable and have a back up plan like 'if I can't get baby out, could you come over instead?' People either don't know what babies are like/forget or had an easy baby and think they're all like that!

It really sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Of course she could be a spectacular overreactor but I wonder if you're just not fully aware of how you've treated her in the past. It seems far more likely that this is the case than the alternative scenario of her just having a batshit crazy rant out of nowhere. Her words to you were quite specific.

I think give her some time and space and see how you both feel.

It could also be that she's struggling with infertility etc and just doesn't want to tell you. Her emotions around you and your baby could be on a knife edge. I would be as compassionate as you can with her if this is anywhere close to possible.

It does seem a last-straw kind of situation.

@RisingSunn - Fair point.

I agree - there is a difference between crying and blue in the face crying.

I found this post, amongst many, really weird. She didn't text much because she had a newborn, clearly!

Assuming she already set off on the 30 min journey before you text to cancel, then when she arrived and got your text she then likely drove home. When she got home she probably saw your text asking her to come to your house. I'd be a little bit annoyed too I think. Although I have a 6 month old so I can understand. Personally I wouldn't have text to cancel initially, I would have called her and explained the situation and told her she could come to mine or wait at the coffee shop and i'd be there as soon as possible.

And I find it really weird that posters think she should have prioritised getting out the door, rather than her 3m baby who was purple crying.

Of course the baby should be prioritised, not stuffed in a car seat in the off chance that it might settle.

The baby is 12 weeks. It's in the first post.

I missed the bit when she said her baby was purple crying. This is different than having a baby that is a bit whingey despite being fed, clean, etc so I withdraw my earlier comment OP!

What’s really weird about it? The baby is three months old. It doesn’t take long to send a text. If they were in regular contact prior to that I can imagine her friend being a bit miffed.