Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

they will continue to scream so much and for so long that you can't concentrate on the road dangerous

This is a downside of the recent trend of meeting in cafes with babies, rather than each others houses. Far less precise timing needed with the latter, and more flexibility.

What did she say in the text?

Loads of assumptions there

I wasn't sure how long it would take her to calm down, it's all new to me. I thought it would be better to cancel and reschedule so she's not waiting unnecessarily.

Yeah. Cafes are shit for babies

She shouldn't really have blocked you or been nasty, but maybe she was really looking forward to seeing you and just got upset.

What did her text say?

I think people are being very unsympathetic here. 3 month olds are tiny. They are very hard work and can be very unpredictable. It is easy to say what the OP should have done with the hindsight of experience but the OP is just learning how to manage herself and her baby. A friend did similar to me (before I had a baby) and I accepted it without question (although didn't truly understand quite how much babies can cry until I had my own!) Unless the OP has form for being flakey (which she says she doesn't), I think one 'flakey' episode in the first few months of learning to be a mother is perfectly acceptable and the OP deserves some sympathy.

Talked about it like adults? Sounds like your mind was made up and she got no choice in whether the meeting was on or off. What is there to talk about? You flaked!

I don’t think we can help you assess properly until we know what her nasty message said. Because I suspect there’s an answer in there as to her behaviour…

I get that, but my point is you'd have known she was on her way, so why didn't you say to meet at yours instead of cancelling?

Meeting at yours obviously wasn't an issue as you ended up inviting her round anyway

I do think it's hard keep these unequal friendships up tbh. Your friend has no idea about the random changes that occur in your daily plans due to having a tiny baby whose needs now have to come first.
She thinks baby crying - so what? You feel you can't cope driving for 20 minutes with a screaming newborn and then having to spend your friendship time soothing said newborn. Not much fun there for anyone.
You weren't wrong to cancel and she's being over the top berating you so rudely. Find other friends.

She accused me of being flaky, lacking emotional intelligence, and treating people like toys and using them for my own needs (?). I honestly don't know where it all comes from, as I have always been a good friend, invited her to my place plenty of times, provided emotional support when she needed it. I guess was less 'available' since I got pregnant due to morning sickness and mobility issues, but I tried to keep in touch with her all this time. I am honestly baffled and suspect something else happened in her life and my cancelling our meeting was just a tipping point for her.

I think I'd have just written you off tbh. Last minute cancellation because the baby was crying is a bit of a pathetic excuse. Babies cry, if he is clean, dry, fed, not got wind, not too hot or cold I'd have just stuck him in the car put some music on and he'd likely calm down with the movement of the car. But then I have 4 kids so if I stopped going out every time they had a screaming fit, we'd all be hermits.

I imagine OP was completely caught up in trying to comfort her baby and frazzled by the noise. She didn't know when her baby was going to settle. Babies crying are immensely stressful to most people. They're not that little or unpredictable for long. We should be supporting new mothers through the tricky early days. Soon enough OP will find her feet, her baby will cry less and meets up will be much easier. Making allowances for a close friend in the first few months after a baby is surely to be expected? I made some early antenatal friends who cancelled pretty much every meet up for the first 4-6 months. I gritted my teeth, accepted the inconvenience and assumed that they were having a harder time than me and would be better eventually. Lo and behold, their babies got easier, they got more confident and now they are very dear friends again. I wouldn't have dreamed of being unkind!

ok sorry you suffered such dangerous circumstances,

Oooft. I can’t even begin to imagine how a person - especially a mother to the child - can just coldly switch off when a child is in distress. Of course it’s distracting. Even if the child is much older and you know they are safe and just having a tantrum moment and you’re choosing to ignore their behaviour, it’s still incredibly distracting because all your senses and instincts are tuned in to their distress, or the noise, or your own frustration.

I’m quite creeped out that you can so blithely suggest we can carry on driving without distraction when a three month old is purple crying. Gave me the shivers.

I said on another thread that we all get stuck between a rock and a hard place at times, so I certainly wouldn't lose a friendship over a one-off let down.

Yes it's annoying to be the person who is let down, but shit happens.

Only the OP truthfully knows whether this is the latest in long line of let-downs.

If it is, then I can see where the friend is coming from. If it's not, then friend is unreasonable.

Cancelling due to baby crying sounds insane. But your friends reaction sounds OTT. You should have made contact before she set out, her reaction screams final straw, but if you're saying there's no back story then she isn't very understanding. It sounds flaky though to say got to cancel the baby is crying.

I think the key to the friends' reaction is in the fact that she doesn't have kids and doesn't want them either. She probably (rightly or wrongly) doesn't really care that the baby was crying and that's why OP had to cancel.

She just (again, rightly or wrongly) sees her friend messing her around when she's already got ready and started travelling.

Comes across as the final straw.

3 months means you are still learning. She's not a true friend to act like this. A true friend would have said no worries I'll come to you or would you prefer to leave it until another day.

If she's blocked you and you're going to stew over it then I'd send her a card/letter then try to accept the friendship is over. I'm the kind of person who needs to have my say, though.

Of course the timing was shit but she is clearly incapable of having empathy for you. Whether she likes it or not, your job is to prioritise your child, which you did. It's kind of amusing that she accused you of lacking in emotional intelligence when she throws her toys so easily!

I genuinely think you're better off without her as a friend, OP.

Where are you seeing six weeks?

I think you’ve both over-reacted tbh.

I suspect she isn't really interested in having to make allowances for your pregnancy and your baby.

It's pretty common for friendships to fade away when one person has a baby and the other has no interest in doing the same.