Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

Just because it's an 'everyday occurrence' doesn't mean it's not pathetic in circumstances like these where someone's just in a strop (as opposed to needing to protect themselves from a dangerous person for example). OP's 'friend' presumably vented her spleen in her nasty text - blocking too, in these circumstances, is the modern equivalent of storming out and slamming the door, and about as mature.

@ruethewhirl
Just because it's an 'everyday occurrence' doesn't mean it's not pathetic in circumstances like these where someone's just in a strop (as opposed to needing to protect themselves from a dangerous person for example). OP's 'friend' presumably vented her spleen in her nasty text - blocking too, in these circumstances, is the modern equivalent of storming out and slamming the door, and about as mature

I responded several days ago to more or less the same comments made by someone else.
I agreed that the nasty text is not acceptable.
I also think there is more to the story.

Cut your losses, she doesn't sound like much of a friend.
But for other friends and family just invite them to yours instead. Cafés aren't great for babies, plus there's loads of bugs doing the rounds at the moment, no need to expose them to strangers unnecessarily. And you can open the windows and ask friends not to come if they're ill if you meet them at home.

When your newborn is screaming like that, any logical thought goes out of the window. It’s hard to think straight, it’s distressing and very stressful.

OP - you’ve done nothing at all wrong. You shouldn’t have to justify anything. As a mum of a newborn (my second) I completely get this and there’s absolutely no way you could have put them in the car seat in that state. It wouldn’t be safe for you to drive at all. Ignore any comment on here that suggests otherwise.

Ok but you have four kids and have learned all this? Can you not remember what it’s like the first time when you have no clue what to do??
honestly the people on here are so harsh to mums at times.

I also absolutely detest the previous generations attitude to letting the baby inconsolably cry, it’s not the way it’s done nowadays.

OP I empathise! Some friendships do just have to take a back seat when you’re going through this. Some will rekindle and some won’t and that’s okay. It’s hard when you’re that early into motherhood as you try to hang on to your old life but it isn’t really possible. Some childless friends will really be invested in your little one and others just won’t understand.

Nor me. It all sounds normal and car motion stops most babies.🙄

From the point of view of your friend -

It can be hard navigating that time when most of your friends are prioritising family. Especially if you don't have much in that part of your life.

Nasty messages and blocking might be her expressing feeling like everyone's last priority. They're uncalled for, but understandable.

Ultimately you can both choose whether to be in each others lives, and what to tolerate in a friendship. You might not find her behaviour acceptable, but she's also within her rights not to want to continue a friendship with you too.

You had a screaming baby on your hands. Your friend should have been more understanding. For the people telling you that you should have called earlier- it was not possible! If your friend is battling mental health- I would try to reach out and explain that you had to prioritise the baby. Good luck.

You’re brave asking this on mumsnet. These guys would’ve slung their baby on their back and carried on tilling the fields or whatever.

Your baby was inconsolable, you did what you thought was best. Lots of friendships end or change dramatically when one party doesn’t have children and one does, because it is impossible to know how different life is once you have children.

Nope my guess is that she doesn’t have children but does want them and can’t have them for some reason, perhaps just simply that she can’t find a man, or perhaps more complicated; and confronting yours is painful so she’s bailed.

I have 3 children and with my second and third I'd absolutely just have put them in the car knowing they'd fall asleep but my first used to have periods of inconsolable crying- not often but maybe once a month or so- and nothing calmed her, it would take an hour of walking about in the pram or rocking her until she'd fall asleep, it sounds like OP's baby was similarly upset and it's very distressing as a mother to deal with. I can understand why the friend might have been annoyed having driven 45 minutes but to not even give a chance of explanation is unfair.

A new mother doesn’t really want to leave her inconsolable child at all. And the father could have been back at work?! Surely the friend wanted to meet the new baby? That was the whole point of the meeting in the first place. I feel like the friend has been very unreasonable and it’s best she is now out of your life since your new life with a baby is often going to revolve around all things baby which your ex-friend clearly doesn’t care one bit about !

@Bo1978
Ignore any comment on here that suggests otherwise
Why is you advice more valid than any one else's. Everyone has different perspectives and expierences and opinions.

Where did I say it was? My opinion is to ignore advice that makes her feel anymore shit thank she already does. It was said to support her and to make her feel like she’s not a shit mum/friend etc.

And often it definitely doesn't help just makes them worse and you end up stressed out whilst driving. Maybe just find new friends. I wouldn't worry about the loss. Yeah it's sad but if they can't except things change when having a baby and plans have to change last minute then she isn't a friend worth having. Any decent friend would be asking do you want me to come to you? I'll bring coffee and cake, help you with baby for a bit and we could maybe go for a walk with the pram if they settle? Whatever you need I'm here.

Why are you assuming that when she has literally said she doesn't want any?

Not understanding why you couldn’t leave or couldn’t message her sooner. I have a baby and pop them in the car seat crying they always calm down on the drive, if they are sleeping when it was to set off I just transfer them to the car seat.

But two different friends have been super late to meet me because ‘baby is still sleeping’ which I found so odd. They were waiting however many hours for them to wake up before leaving the house. I didn’t want to say ‘just put them in the car then?’ but it really didn’t make sense….

You didn't want to risk upsetting your baby? You won't be getting anything done ever

Your friend has no idea about how difficult it is with a newborn. (I also think many in the comments have forgotten)
You did the right thing putting your baby first. Tbh she should've been coming to you, not expecting you to drive with a new baby unnecessarily. But in fairness she has no experience of your new world. Oh well, let and her sulking go.

A few days late but you are not being unreasonable. Unless there is history? If I was due to meet a friend with a newborn baby and they had to cancel or reschedule, and I was already on my way, I’d stop off in a shop grab some cakes and a drink and carry on driving to their house. Your friend may not want children but it doesn’t stop her being a friend and making sure you’re okay. Newborn life is hard and unpredictable and it sounds like you need better understanding friends

I would be annoyed as well even with 2 of my own. Also if she does not have a child of her own saying that your child is upset seems like a lame excuse 😅 your not being unreasonable but your friend is also entitled to feel upset and annoyed even though what she did wasn't the best way to deal with it.

Do you know what @RitaN id take it as a blessing.
She's had a hissy fit and blocked you,rather than been understanding.
She's piled on stress.
Of course your baby come first,that kind of crying is shrill.
Can you imagine going to the cafe with your baby like that.

All the posters here telling you,you shouldn't have cancelled would be the ones giving you the evils.

Plus she sent you that awful message, she should have been more understanding.

It’s possible your friend is sensitive to anything they perceive as rejection (perhaps linked to their childhood experience). This may mean they’re more likely to want to see the worst in people or find fault where there isn’t really any. It’s exhausting trying to be a friend in that scenario, and your priorities are obviously very different now, so perhaps for the best that they’ve unfriended you. If you do get a sense that there may be some truth in what they’ve said then be honest with yourself as it may help your next friendships.

Claim to not want what you can’t have / Despise what you can’t have.

Standard tactics.