Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

You do not need her in your life. Parenting is hard and selfish people like that will make it harder. Be glad you don't have her dragging you down anymore

You’ve made yourself look silly here. Purple crying literally means crying for long periods of time for no reason. Have a wee google before trying to put the boot in next time, it’ll be less embarrassing for you.

My mum used to say this when my son got so upset that I got upset too. So helpful when you’re trying to calm your baby down to hear someone tell you it’s your fault that they’re crying 🙄

Difficult situation OP. I have definitely been on your friend’s side in this situation and it’s not usually as a result of 1 event, but multiple things.

The truth is when you are a woman without children it is an intense shift when your friends have kids. It’s a genuine real loss that is difficult to navigate, especially when you are going through a hard time and need someone to speak to.

If your friend is already someone who is a bit socially vulnerable, she may just be missing the support and closeness you previously had… or she is just a twat. Only you can answer that.

There is not an awful lot that you can do when she is this angry.

OP please don’t feel bad. There was literally nothing else you could have done. She was spoiling for a fight. If you had arrived, frazxled, with screaming baby in tow she would have cut you off for that. The reality is that people do what they want to do:always.

for failure to take proper care of a grown woman’s ickle feelings when she had a baby

This mocking and diminishing must be why some childless/ childfree women feel so resentful of people with children.

People who don’t have children matter too. their time is valuable. their feelings matter.

Having a baby is not a license to act as self involved as you please and mess other people around/ treat them like they don’t matter .
OP’s friend travelled specifically to meet her - she deserved consideration.

“my baby is crying” is not a reason to stand someone up after they have already travelled to meet you,

(baby) whose needs were unaligned with a car ride to a cafe
They really weren’t though.

OP’s friend was not unreasonable to be upset and hurt , although being nasty and blocking OP was definitely a disproportionate and unreasonable reaction.

No one said she couldn’t be hurt! Are you unaware that literally every woman who is now a mother was once child free? I was until 35! I managed to not act like a total ass when my friends with children needed a little grace. It.Is.Not.AHuge.Imposition..To.Drive.For.Half.An.Hour.And.ToMiss.A.Social.Engagement.

It just isn’t! She didn’t spend thousands on a cancelled event. She didn’t fly somewhere. She drive to a cafe! I think she can entertain herself for the length of a cup of coffee without ragegasming all over OP and ending the friendship.

At any rate it is not OP who is BU here.

Good point, @pikkumyy77 I was childfree for 33 years. I know damn well what my life was like before and after children and it was MASSIVELY more difficult and demanding once I had a child. I'd been an adult for half my life before kids. It's not that people w/out children don't have value, it's that some of you lack imagination and empathy! Seriously, try to put yourself in the shoes of a mother w/ a newborn baby who is crying so much she turns purple. WWYD? Have you ever been in that situation? I bet that friend couldn't handle a crying baby alone for longer than 2 minutes.

No it was extreme to block you and end the friendship. Id have been pissed off and told you so but the blocking etc is childish

Say what seriously, how bloody judgemental

On a side note, I'm wondering how many of the posters calling OP ridiculous and precious would complain if they had to share a cafe with a hysterical 3 month old?

You really can't win once you're a mother @RitaN . Per mumsnet, you're expected to be fully attentive to your child, avoid them ever irritating others (particularly in public spaces), continue your pre-child relations as they were, be happy to leave your child as soon as others demand it of you for a social event, be ever ready to listen to and solve other's problems (but no one should ever ask you about how you're feeling after the baby - babies are boring don't you know!) and generally somehow absorb all the responsibilities of motherhood perfectly and seamlessly without dropping (even temporarily) any of the plates you were juggling before.

There are three people in this scenario. The littlest, newest, most vulnerable person must have their needs prioritised. Even excluding how OP and her friend felt, taking a little baby who is that distressed and purple crying into a likely new and overwhelming environment to placate a grown adult isn't fair. The OP prioritised comforting her baby. That makes her a good and kind person. With experience, she will learn how to help her baby whilst also getting out and about and continuing her pre-child relationships. However, currently she is 12 weeks in and experiencing things for the first time. The fact she is bothered by what has happened and has apologised to her friend shows that she is not some 'precious firstborn' monster - she is just a woman realising that actually sometimes, you can't have it all.

Op you did the right thing by cancelling, your baby needed you and imagine sitting in a cafe with a screaming baby! Babies are unpredictable little creatures, your friend needs to suck it up.

I hope your baby is ok now. You will make new friends by going to activities for babies, mums and tots, breastfeeding groups etc - friends who understand the life of a new mum.

I wouldn't waste any more time trying to apologise to the 'friend', you've already gone over and above to do so.

I am in two minds about this. Your friend is certainly unreasonable to have blocked you like that. But the way you managed it sounds quite exasperating?
By the time you contacted her she was presumably halfway to the place or, if she is an early person, maybe nearly there.
You then sent her a message to cancel, and she presumably turned her car and went back home. Then she received a message from you proposing to meet at your place.
By that time she had been in the car at least half an hour already.
And you were asking her to drive other 45 minutes with a chance that you might cancel it again on the way.
That is quite unreasonable.

The truth is, you are still getting used to manage things with a child, which is tricky.
In my experience, it's always a good idea to offer to meet at your own place in that kind of situation. I mean, to offer it right away, not as an afterthought after cancelling. Otherwise people will find your subsequent requests very random.
Your child will suddenly feel upset hundreds and thousands of times in the next months and years, likewise, she will turn suddenly quiet and cheerful for no apparent reason.
As a parent, you are better off assuming that it will happen and organise outings accordingly.
I found it useful to set up meetings so that I would be the one waiting, for instance. If possible, with a group of friends, or at some event they enjoy, so they will have company or entertain themselves, if for some reason I had to arrive late, leave suddenly, or when I focused all my attention on my child, which was most of the time.

Some friends are ok changing nappies with you, and some are hoping to have a nice chat like before the baby. Nothing wrong with keeping both kinds, but it requires a bit of planning and a willingness to do things so they also feel special and important.

She's probably jealous or having some other psychological reaction to you having a baby and this is how it's coming out. I'd make some nice new mum friends with babies of a similar age and ditch this drama queen

It’s ridiculous comments like this towards child free women that make Mums like you sound so self absorbed and dull.

Oh yes that’s it she must be jealous of a baby….. can’t possibly be annoyed that she had a wasted journey and got stood up.

People seem to forget we are only hearing one side of the story here, I very much doubt this is the first time OP has been ‘flaky’ as her friend put it, this was probably the straw that broke the camels back.

I hate this. Not everybody can express, not everyone wants to express, not every baby takes a bottle happily.
Plus, she wanted her friend to meet her baby.

If someone posted saying they put their hysterically screaming baby in the car because they wanted to meet a friend for coffee, they’d get little support on here.

If someone posted saying they’d criticised and blocked their friend because said friend was unable to meet in a cafe due to not being able to calm her distressed baby, she’d be rounded on.

You’d think Mumsnet would be the place where new mothers would be understood, not abused.

Are you unaware that literally every woman who is now a mother was once child free? I was until 35! I managed to not act like a total ass when my friends with children needed a little grace

I think ones experience of this really depends when you have kids to be honest. I also had kids late. My best friend had them really young. I also managed not to be a complete arse when she needed grace. However, the favour didn’t always go both ways. I remember being really upset when she got arsey one year that I didn’t include her 5 year old in my milestone birthday dinner to name just one example. She told me once that I was the only friendship that didn’t fundamentally change after she had a kid (everyone else slowly dropped her) , but that was because of a huge amount of sacrifice and forgiving on my part tbh, And it wasn’t always easy, especially when I was going through trouble having kids myself. Thats why now I do have kids I try to remember what that felt like and not to be totally self absorbed and expecting my childless friends to make sacrifices all the time and acting like they are always bottom of the pile. I don’t think it’s just about the 30 mins drive, I think it’s the attitude tbh. I think there’s a reason why the vote on whether OP is BU is pretty split on this thread.

Yeah I just find it weird for the gf to take out all her frustrations at the overall state if the world on her new mom friend of five years . I mean:any way you slice it this is massively intemperate behavior from a grown woman.

Why do you say overall state of the world? The OP shared her text which talked about OP treating her like a toy, so there's obviously something more going on whether it's fair or not.

There has to be some backstory here. Something you're not telling us OP.
If there isn't, then I'd just delete her from your phone. But I suspect there's more to this.

There is no backstory. I have cancelled once when I was pregnant and had sciatica, but gave her plenty of notice. I had a shitty pregnancy, so couldn't meet with her regularly and her mental health is very fragile. These are the only things that can somehow explain her behaviour. But if she was so unhappy with our relationship, why didn't she talk to me earlier? I could even understand if she texted me and said ' Look, it's not working, I need someone that's consistently available and you have other things on your mind now'. But blocking and sending nasty message? I thought that's not how adults end their relationships, but looking at the vote it's acceptable for many people. I'm not some random tinder date that she's never met, I am her (now ex) friend!

OP the most prolific substance in the world after water and carbon is assholes and their enablers. As demonstrated on this thread. You did what you needed to do as a person caring for a vulnerable infant. If your ex friend is too needy to accept the change in order of priorities in your life she was going to end the friendship at some point no matter what you did. People on mumsnet—esp AIBU—like to blame someone and pretend to hunt for the one weird trick that you should have trued. But there is no one weird trick that prevents someone from hysterically overreacting and cutting you off. That was her preference snd her prerogative. There was nothing to be done. No lesson to be learned.

Did you actually say "baby is upset" or "baby is purple crying & inconsolable?" If the former then I can understand her anger (not her actions, just to be clear) as "baby is upset" doesn't accurately describe the severity of the situation you had, does it?

I think you're right @pikkumyy77 . No point in dwelling on it. Time to find new friends.

The same people who sleep train and leave their babies to 'cry it out' quite easily.