Friend blocked me after cancelled meeting

[RitaN]

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up. The plan was to meet for a coffee and cake in the neighbourhood town, which is 20 mins drive from me and 30 mins from my friend. 45 minutes before leaving my 12-week-old baby started purple crying and she was inconsolable. I tried to calm her down for more than 30 minutes before I finally texted my friend that I would have to cancel as my baby was really upset. She didn’t reply, so I called twice but she didn’t pick up. It was now 15 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet, and my baby finally calmed down a bit, so I asked her if she wanted to come to my place (as I didn’t want to risk my little one getting upset in the car), or if she wanted to reschedule for next week. In response she proceeded to block me, then unblocked me briefly to send a nasty next, and blocked me again. I was baffled. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I understand she was already en route but there was nothing I could do (apart from shoving a screaming baby into the car seat and driving anyway?). Was I AIBU to cancel on a short notice or is my friend unreasonable?

Your almost describing someone who I used to know and be friends with. She would also react exactly the same way with the blocking thing, and then unblock when she wanted me again. I finally broke it off with her two years ago and never looked back. I've never had children, but even I can understand having a newborn can be really hard to begin with.

She overreacted, most people give mums of young babies a bit of slack

Spot on. She probably got the rage when you cancelled because of the baby.

I block people temporarily so I don’t send them an overly harsh message in anger. It gives me time to calm down before I send a more measured response.

She’s not unreasonable to be annoyed as she already set off.

Sounds like it was the last straw.

(Message removed as OP explained her wording was due to being bi-lingual)

Of the three people involved in this event only one of them was entitled to have her childish needs met and that is the baby. The friend couldn’t tolerate missing a planned treat—she might even have turned down a better offer? —well boo hoo!

Christ the lengths mumsnetters will go to kick the OP are truly astounding. Even if I were the friend in this story and I were a little annoyed—like I’d been looking firward to telling OP about my cancer duagnosus or my nobel prize award—I wouldn’t send a shitty text and block . Doesn’t that suggest a level if selfishness and egotism that mumsnetters usually find off putting? Why is it receiving praise here?

The pist in the thread above is a case in point. Nominally it supports OP but adds the indescribably bizarre perspective that the anodyne phrase “show her my baby” indicates that the OP is some kind of pathological attention seeker who treats people like objects. Holy shit what is wrong with people here?

I recently gave birth and wanted to meet with a friend to show her my baby and have a usual catch up

This stood out to me. What did the friend want? Its all about you.

Friends exist to make each other’s life better. This is not a friend, OP. She can’t or won’t understand that this can happen when you’ve just had a baby. If she ever unblocks you, you could spend lots of time and energy on making her see this. Or you can just let her go. Find friends who do understand you, and don’t waste your time anymore on a ‘friend’ like this.

Apologies, English isn't my first language so it might have sounded strange. I simply wanted her to meet my baby, because well , she's important to me as is my friend.

The baby is 3 months old.

I don't think anyone is praising the friends' behaviour? They're just saying they understand why she might be hurt or upset or pissed off.

Ah, I did wonder if it was a clumsy language thing due to you being bi—lingual! In which case, apologies and I retract what I said.

That's not a friend imho. Friends are flexible where possible and try to accommodate changes of plan made for genuine reasons. And personally I think blocking is childish. Sounds like you're well rid.

I agree that mothers of young babies, especially for the first time, need a bit of leeway. My baby purple crying does something to my brain, some kind of primal overdrive takes over that feels similar to flight or fight. My brain feels like it's just shutting down and I cannot compute anything. I am far from being logical once it gets to a certain intensity, especially if I've been sleep deprived and am already feeling exhausted.

Prolonged periods of intense crying are connected to a whole host of maternal mental health problems, some of which have a knock on effect on the entire family. While this baby did eventually stop crying, the impact of a crying baby on a tired, post partum mother should be taken into account.

I imagine OP felt out of her mind in that moment and made a snap decision based on a momentarily lapse of sanity. Been there with three kids, time and again. Totally frazzled and unable to hold together enough braincells to make a cohesive thought. I'm sure if OP had thought it through, weighed up timings, distance and practicalities and got her notebook out to jot down her musings, she may have made a different decision. But she didn't. Her brain was probably temporarily broken in that moment, as mine has been on several occasions.

It's unfortunate OP, and maybe your friend did feel annoyed about a wasted journey but I understand what happened. To be honest, the to guess lashing your friend gave you makes me think that maybe it's best you don't continue to be friends anyway.

Oh OP, those early days are hard. People either empathy understand that sometimes you have to cancel last minute. Not ideal, but it is what it is. To end a friendship (her not you) over a mum putting gbher newborn first is a horrible thing to do.

Unfortunately some people are like this.

Genuinely baffled by some of these responses. I'm unsure if people just forget how their babies cried or if their babies maybe never cried that much. Mine used to 'purple cry' and it was awful. People would come up to me and ask if she was ill and how they could help me. Everyone would stop to stare at the sound. I never had to cancel plans (it happened in the evening so I just didn't make any plans then other than miles of walking) but I genuinely can't imagine having been in a state to take her anywhere during an episode and definitely wouldn't have wanted to be in the car. There is thread after thread about crying babies on mumsnet. There are resources dedicated to parents of babies who cry. There is a reason for this. It is not 'insane' to cancel plans over a bit of crying. You absolutely have to prioritise your baby's safety and well-being first and yours second. Also 'to show her my baby' would be a totally normal turn of phrase around here. How is it possibly 'all about OP'? She has had a baby! Would you say it was all about OP @Ilovemyshed if she was meeting with a friend to catch up with her and introduce her new puppy / show her around her new house / tell her about her new job / show her pictures from her holiday? Those would all be totally normal things in my circle and it would be bizarre not to meet up with a friend to see their baby and shower them both with love!

Even if she was frustrated about the cancellation, it's ridiculous of her to block you over this and to send you that pompous message. The accusation that you lack emotional intelligence sounds particularly ironic. I'd leave it in her court now.

It's perfectly possible btw for child free people to be understanding about babies and their effect on social arrangements.

This, with huge golden bells on!

She didn’t cancel just because baby was crying (PURPLE crying by the way, which is awful) but because she was pumped with adrenaline, fatigue, exhaustion, emotionally empty and in a stressful primal fight or flight mode. That’s hard to explain in a quick text to anyone, let alone in the midst of a stressful situation, let alone to a friend who has never experienced such a thing before.

You literally shivered??

She's probably come to the conclusion that this is just the start of her being let down at the last moment and decided that she can't be arsed to keep wasting her precious time so has ditched you.

You have a baby and she's the centre of your life at the moment. Your baby isn't the centre of your df's life. She won't understand, or really care, if you've got a screaming baby. You've cancelled on her after she's left the house, if a friend had cancelled on me for that reason before I'd had kids I'd have been annoyed too. I can understand both points of view now I've had two kids of my own.

Not really. OP said she’s not in the habit of letting her friend down.

The thing is it’s not unknown for people without children to be impatient and frustrated over situations involving uncooperative kids.

Personally, if it’s not habitual, I would have accepted the offer to come over. A visit to a cafe with a baby is not fun at the best of times.

She can’t be that close of a friend if you didn’t think to introduce her to your dd for 3 months. Maybe that’s what she’s really upset about?

Snap! My third was like that.