To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

[Vinividivici]

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

There's no way I'd hand my child over to someone who strangles them. Do you have any evidence of the abuse such as photos? Did you report it to anyone such as GP or school or police?

I'm assuming you had her checked out as strangulation can cause a lot of problems. He's going to kill her OP. You have to keep her safe and that means keeping her away from him.

Contact Rights of Women for advice.

Don't send her. Make him take you to court for access.

Report all the abuse you've suffered to the police. Refuse any attempts at mediation with an abuser. Offer him supervised access only at an approved premises and only after a full CAFCASS assessment.

Protect your daughter.

Worry about what the courts will say when the time comes.

@cupcaske123 I don't know how to explain this. Social Services and the police investigated and are taking no further action. My ex managed to convince Social Services that this is mostly a dispute between the parents.

Even where there are convictions for child abuse, courts make children see their dads. There isn't even a conviction here.

If I now withhold my daughter, I will be the bad guy.

I know it's really messed up, but it's how the world works.

Have you actually been to court already and this contact is court ordered?

If not do you have evidence of his abuse and evidence of the strangulation of your child?

If this contact isn't court ordered this man is controlling you by trying to convince you he'd get custody and you need to seek legal advice immediately. I would not send my child there.

I think I'd be doing a very well planned moonlight flit if that's what it took to keep him away from my child

Edited in light of update from other posters.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I cannot believe the courts have said you have to let your ex have access.

Op I remember your previous thread and I think it's important for other posters to emphasise that this has been through all the courts and you unfortunately have had some bad decisions by the family court.

If you refuse to send him or are accused of alienation she will be moved permanently to her DF.

I say this not because I agree with it but simply that responses saying just don't send her aren't helpful in this situation

But I would not be happy with this! Is it worth outlining the process you've been through and the court mandated outcome and perhaps posters can advise you on some measured next steps that will move you in the right direction without losing her to your ex

I have read ops other threads. She can't withhold her daughter or she risks losing her as the courts believe the father. It's messed up!

Therapy for you and your daughter if you can afford it. Be really honest with your daughter about how you know it's an unacceptable situation and it isn't fair on her. Validate her experience without overtly calling her father and abuser. Listen to her, he a sounding board. Encourage her to disclose any incidents with school or her councillor etc to build up evidence.

Edited

I think people are saying that because it wasn't clear in the OP that this contact is already court ordered 🙂

If you have to seek legal advice or in a longer run with a solicitor - ask them to make sure Practice Direction 12J is utilised/considered.

You need as much advice as you can - why didn’t the police take it further? Was it just your report against his with no evidence? If not and you did provide some, you can use a CPS victim review process to look at it again or contact the IOPC to send a complaint to the force.
Also look at Coram (childlawadvice.org.uk) and Family Rights Group online.
No way would I be allowing access

Sorry - didn’t realise you’d already been through court and had previous threads. What an awful situation for you OP

No, don't send her. No way. Strangulation frequently ends with death. She trusts you to keep her safe. Go to the police. Don't gaslight your own child

Contact is not court ordered at this point. But I have read extensively on this and my solicitors are very clear that the court may find in favour of my ex in any proceedings and that I must be seen to be supporting their relationship.

We are actually scheduled to do mediation soon and I am considering taking a very strong position in that.

If as others have posted it has already been through the courts then you have no choice. If the abuse happened whilst you were together he may well not do it to her now you arent together. As for what he and his wife tell her, she'll grow up knowing the truth and who you are.

If she comes back with any injuries you take photographic evidence and report it school, social services and the police.

Otherwise I wouldn't be talking up the visit or making it a big deal, other than to jet her know perhaps on calendar which days are 'daddy' days, be matter of fact about everything, going to see her dad is like going to the dentist no body wants to buy it's an obligation. I'd be very mindful that her behaviour before and after is likely to be challenging and try your best to be calm and kind when reacting.

Plan a transition activity for her for when she comes home, for us I used to always run a bubble bath no matter what time of day she returned and it was calming and like washing off one place for another (gives you chance to check her over for any unexpected bruises etc). I'd ask if she had a nice time but not pry and then plan some drawing or other activity to that was calming and we could do side by side where she would often talk.

If contact isn't court ordered stop it, and request a contact centre be sought so that she can be seen safely in a supervised environment. Setting this up takes time but won't count as alienation or anything as you are seeking an alternative setting particularly with the previous history which has been recorded by professionals.

You should not be attending mediation if there was abuse, if they insist then you request to be in separate rooms and the mediated flits between them.

Even having read the thread I wouldn't be sending her.

Weirdly, it is viewed as his word against mine even though my poor daughter has had to interview with many authorities and tells all of them the same thing. Nothing about it makes sense.

I will look into Practice Direction 12J

OP I may be mixing you up with another poster who had in fact been through courts and in a very similar scenario

Is it still worth outlining what you've done so far in terms of raising this so people can advise on other things to try?

@JimandPam I think the fact that another poster is in a similar situation but with contact ordered demonstrates how risky my position is.

I have kept a diary of my daughter coming home and saying how mean daddy is for a long time.

I took a video of her telling me about the abuse - apparently this is very, very bad in the family courts even though every normal person I have told said they would do the same

Child services has investigated and they seemed annoyed with the whole thing especially after my ex got to them. He is aggressive and manipulative, but can be disarmingly charming. Both he and his wife, who is totally nuts, seem very posh.

The police didn't take it further because my daughter said she didn't want Daddy to get into trouble.

I have been trying to support contact, but my ex and his wife keep being abusive to me at these meetings, and to involve my daughter in the conflict. This makes her not want to be with them. My ex says her desire not to be with them is evidence of my alienation.

Honestly I second the moonlight flit idea. I don't see what else you can do but hide from him until the courts consider her old enough to refuse. He strangles her, you can't make her go.

I can't do a moonlight flit. This is not the Victorian era (where ID and tracking of people was difficult) and I have a professional career. Unless I want to be a permanently refugee from him, I will be easy to find and identify.

@Singleandproud thank you. These are all good commonsense suggestions.x