To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

[Vinividivici]

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

My ex "only" emotionally and financially abused and controlled me. I don't think anyone cares, unfortunately.

OP, in response to your original post, I don't think you should be looking for anything to make your DC feel ok for visiting their a usive parent.

I think spend lots of time with them, talking about feelings, and playing with toys, see if you can get her to open up.

Can you support her to see a children's counsellor. See if she will open up with them.

OP, I know that the police are unlikely to pursue abuse against women and children with no/minimal evidence- I believe you. I also believe you believe what you are saying about family court, and I know that it can go wrong. I also wonder if your ex is still inside your head and you believe what he is saying about court? It may be worth investing in some counselling for you.

However, if it were me, I would spend as much money as I could possibly afford on a solicitor that specialised in abuse cases. I would not force my daughter to see her father- I would "make her available for contact" at my house, but if she refused to leave the house, I wouldn't force her or allow her father inside to "come and get her". If he gets aggressive, I would call the police.

As a slightly longer term plan, I would consider moving far enough away as to limit their contact to a few times a year, practically.

In a few years, your child will be old enough that a court wouldn't normally force them to see their father against their wishes, particularly if contact has been somewhat sporadic- that's the long game IMO.

I would also definitely invest in some counselling for your daughter, and I would validate her feelings. I would tell her you are doing everything you can to keep her safe and stop her from having to see her dad if she doesn't want to.

I would also try and keep an open and honest dialogue with the school as it sounds like they are onside?

I also wonder if your ex is still inside your head and you believe what he is saying about court

Yes - he is in my head. But also, my solicitors who represent high net worth individuals and professionals (we don't have that much money but probably fit into this general category) and are used to seeing slimy posh psychopaths in a court setting are very clear about the risks to me if I am not seen to do everything possible to facilitate this relationship.

OP I have supported my partner through a court case with his emotionally abusive ex, and I really think you need a new solicitor. They shouldn’t be telling you to facilitate contact otherwise you will lose your daughter, that’s bonkers. It takes a hell of a lot for a court to order change of residency, not just you withholding a child. This is particularly true if ex has a history of not seeing DD that much, it wouldn’t be in her best interests to change residence. A good friend of mine is supporting her partner whose ex won’t let him see his kids and the court don’t care. You have an actual reason to withhold contact.

Please do what you think is right NOW, don’t base your decisions on what the court MAY think about it. PP indicate that people have had very different experiences of the court system and there are no guarantees it will go either way. Also, it’s not as simple as him declaring ‘parental alienation’. That’s a really taboo term in the court and you have to use it carefully, him chucking it around willy nilly won’t help his case.

i agree with PP who suggest involving the school more. Perhaps they can do regular check ins with your DD and she may start to open up to them.

If the school are on board can you arrange a meeting with them to explain that there has been no intervention to stop the abuse and can they report to social services again? It might result in nothing but maybe a chance that action might be taken by social services or police. If that didn't work and the strangulation is ongoing I would report it to the police. Again there may be a chance for a different outcome.

And your solicitors are still insisting that this is the case despite the fact he's strangled your daughter? I'm sorry, they sound utterly shit with no understanding of safeguarding. It's absurd.

@TheFormidableMrsC the SS and police investigations were inconclusive. Father's rights are more important than anything else. Read the links I posted above.

That simply isn't true. The welfare of the child trumps all else. I went through the family court with an abusive ex husband and OW over a period of years. In all of it, the welfare of my son was at the forefront. That is why my ex had to have supervised contact, attend various courses and was not ever awarded overnights.

You seem to have talked yourself into believing that the only outcome here is change of residency. That is highly unlikely. There is no court order, you can withdraw contact and you should. Also change solicitor and see the safeguarding officer at your child's school.

I have worked in the family courts for many years and Fathers Rights do not come above the rights and safety of children. Your solictor does not seem to be experienced in matters of children in the family courts but more in the financial aspects of divorcem it is ridiculous to say that you risk a change of residence by witholding contact when the child is too scared to go. I suggest that you change solictor to someone who is expereinced in child care matters, parental alienation and domestic abuse. Just because there is not enough evidence for the police to proceed does not mean that the allegations will be taken seriously by a Judge in the family court, who will order further work with your daughter, and parents to ensure that safe decisions are made for your daughter. This could be via Cafcass an Independent Social Worker or a contact centre, and possibly a fact finding hearing that judged on the balance of probabilities as opposed to the criminal test of beyond reasonable doubt.

In your case there has been domestic abuse - stop trying to medicate or please him - just go straight to issuing the C100 for a Child Arrangements Order - with a legal representative who is expereinced in the issues you are facing.

You all are right that I am feeling very down about things. My solicitors definitely haven't been very encouraging. My ex also is incredibly aggressive and never, ever, ever stops when he wants something. He harasses me constantly. It's a horror show.

Please go to the police and report his harassment. And keep reporting it. You do not have to tolerate this. The more records of his foul behaviour you have, the better. I can tell you are utterly downtrodden with it all
but you've had a lot of good advice and resources to research here. Time to fight back.

Its a horrible horrible tightrope to walk

@TheFormidableMrsC what do you think constitutes bad enough harassment to report it? He causes nasty scenes but I think he skirts the line just enough that they would view me as a time waster. He's extremely devious.

You feel harassed. He's aggressive. Tell the police you are frightened for your safety and that of your child. Does he message on text or email? You only have to tell him once to stop harassing you and if he continues, you have a case.

You have to start fighting fire with fire here. Stop reading cases that are nothing to do with your situation and not representative of the whole of family court. There isn't even an application currently. Again, find a solicitor who specialises in cases like yours. Protect yourself and your daughter.

Also does he come to your home? Get a Rong doorbell,

Ring not Rong 🙄

Also listen to @sterli2323 who speaks absolute sense and whose comments are reflective of my experience and others on this board.

What a nightmare. I can’t imagine being in that situation and having to minimise harm but not being able to prevent it. I would make sure she has a mobile phone on her. I would talk through how to call the police etc. I would probably tell her to do whatever he says, which I know is disgusting but it’s better than being dead or getting a brain injury. Or I’d move to Spain, there’s a whole community out there running away from our family court system.

Or the OP just shouldn't send her. You should not be having to prep a 7 year old on what to do when they are being strangled by their father. That is beyond my understanding as a parent.

Then she might end up with him full time. How does that help?

A complicating factor is that my daughter sometimes, after a long absence, does want to spend time with his family. She doesn't want to be left out of things like their holidays. She will go from screaming with stress at the idea to saying she wants to go.

How do posters here feel about this?

This is not meant to be a drip feed - it's still an emerging situation.

To be fair, every time my daughter has had unsupervised contact since telling me about the violent assaults (only a few times, in public), she has come home very upset and saying that Daddy is mean.

At the moment you don't know what she meant by strangling, and you don't know what she means by him being mean. You haven't witnessed these things and children aren't reliable witnesses. What she thinks of as strangling could be something entirely different, and Dad being mean could be not giving her a snack or toy she requested or her trying to show you that she's glad to be home / doesn't prefer dad etc. or he could be putting his hand round her neck and shouting and swearing at her.

What you do is continue to give her structure and boundaries so she feels safe and secure both physically and emotionally at home.

You get her into some play therapy to work through her thoughts and feelings.

You continue to engage suitable legal representation to do the best you can for her.