To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

[Vinividivici]

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

@Vinividivici I am playing the long and short games

oh dear! having a child is not a game, i shall leave you too your games

@sentfrmmyiphone my ex is very intelligent. He behaves differently in front of his partner, according to my daughter - which I entirely believe. I have seen him transform from kind and friendly to deeply angry and critical towards me as soon as we left other people.

I will not engage further anyone who considers the safety of a 7 year old a GAME is not worth my time or effort

@sentfrmmyiphone that's obviously a turn of phrase. And I can assure you that my ex considers it a game. Winning in the legal system is unfortunately a game to its key players.

OP I'm so very sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Unfortunately you're getting a lot of unhelpful posters who clearly (and luckily) haven't got any idea of how the family court systems work.

I've a close friend who's been through this recently - she provided the courts with evidence of DV towards her and her 3yo daughter and evidence of the fathers drug abuse to the courts. Despite this they have awarded him overnights twice a week. It's horrendous.

All you can do to try and protect her (and not lose her to her piece of shit father) is give her a stable loving home with you, keep documenting every single abusive message/phone call, keep a diary of your daughters behaviour when she returns to you and log every single incident which hopefully in the long run will help in court. Can she work a basic mobile phone with your number programmed in so she can call you if she needs to whilst she's with him?

Huge hugs to you and your dd, I pray this gets resolved for you both soon

Weirdly, it is viewed as his word against mine even though my poor daughter has had to interview with many authorities and tells all of them the same thing. Nothing about it makes sense.

It's because she is 7. Children aren't generally believed until they are secondary school age. This is because they are easily manipulated by either parent. This is why childminders, staff at nurseries, staff at schools etc are important. If they speak to them while in their care and neither parent has raised anything with them then it raises safeguarding concerns they should report. Unfortunately some schools won't take it further due to being overworked or not thinking it is serious enough.

I took a video of her telling me about the abuse - apparently this is very, very bad in the family courts even though every normal person I have told said they would do the same

Yep.

Family Court don't like you recording children whether they consent or not, and whether it is due to normal interaction or not.

Many judges also don't like you recording the other parent even if they consent. However if you have a ring doorbell (make sure you have a sticker up saying you have a camera), they send you texts, they send you emails etc that illustrates their behaviour as they consented then you can use them.

OP if you have to do mediation as there is no evidence of abuse do shuttle mediation.

It costs more but it means your ex cannot talk over you.

The mediator may try to get you in the same room at some point but absolutely refuse.

Also as you have solicitors find out what "normal" contact is and go prepared to give him "normal" contact.

Unfortunately until your DD is prepared to speak up to third parties unprompted by you that's the contact she will have to endure.

Honestly OP your daughter is at risk of being killed by her father. I don't understand why you would gamble on that because of a potential outcome in court? Why would anyone take that chance. She has confided in you and you pretending that seeing her dad is good for her will screw her over forever.

Please stop making these kind of remarks.
It is not op's choice, she explained this now about a 1000 times.

She is trying to find any helpful advice as courts etc fo not believe her, but her ex.
I understand it is what everyone hopes they will do, and I also used to think that I would.

But when youre in this type of situation, everything chances, and the world turns upside down.
Its pure horror. Nothing less

You are a disgrace. You are actively goading a mother at the end of her tether.

You need a better solicitor. Try Dawson Cornwell. Be prepared to spend all your “personal wealth” on this, what on earth could be more important than this?

Be careful about how you approach this. I know you’re worried about being accused of parental alienation. But at the moment if you tell your daughter how important it is to see her father, and actively force her to spend time with her father when you do not have a court order in place, you’re making his argument for him that you are in fact not concerned at all about them having contact, so there can’t possible be abuse.

What a ridiculous unhelpful comment.

Hopefully you never have to deal with something this traumatic.

That wasn't my DD's experience, her ex's PR was removed. The Police had been called by a neighbour on one occasion though. Like pps it must depend on the judge because we're allegations have been made against the father, the court wants reports etc and that can take a year, by which time your DD can decide not to have contact. Stop contact and take your chance. Your child won't get removed. At the moment your lack of fight is letting her down.

How is it unhelpful? The OP is surmising what might happen in court. Meanwhile is putting her DD at risk of significant harm. The child's MH is going to be destroyed by the pair of them. Although I do recognise that the OP is stuck mentally in a similar position as someone in a DV situation, but she needs blunt honesty.

Can you tell teachers at your daughter's school your concerns...saying you are worried about your daughter, and can they give her some extra support at school?

Without asking for anything more. If she got some more support she might open up at school? Or brownies, wherever she has a trusted other adult?

No way on God's earth would I let my child go anyway near an abusive person. You have to sort this out

@Caledoniablue I was that child. That's why I can't stress enough how important it is that the mother protects the child and what a huge effect it will have if she enforces contact.

Clearly some people on here are very optimistic about how much effort the court and cafcass put into finding out the truth. There is sadly a risk that mums who try and protect their children from abuse just end up losing contact instead. It's a horrifying topsy turvy world in the family courts at times.

Op, things that helped my son were

• ensuring he was very well supported at school with regular one to one sessions with a support worker
• arranging play therapy

Getting separate, neutral, professionals involved was key to getting the court to at least begin to listen. Cafcass still refused to care because "dad seems very lovely and takes the children to piano lesson" but ultimately when my son refused to go to his dad's any more the judge listened and overruled cafcass (appreciate I was lucky to get a decent judge)

Agree ring doorbell is a good idea. Cafcass didn't want to know but actually the police got the measure of my ex very quicky when they saw ring doorbell footage and have been endlessly supportive. I realise the police have issues to sort themselves but when it comes to supporting mums who have experienced abuse they were so many times better than cafcass

Yes, people on here who are judging you obviously don't understand how horrible it can be when you get dragged into the topsy turvy world of the family courts and are trying to fight your ex's florid lies with the far more mundane truth

Police were regularly involved with me. Cafcass thought the sun shone out of exH arse because he was a middle class professional. A judge even told me "this is 'just' middle class abuse". Wtf.

You can tell the difference between people who have dipped a toe in the family court system and those who haven't.

I'm sorry you suffered through something this. However the OP isn't 'enforcing contact'. She's been advised to by the professionals who work within this messed up system. I'm sure she'd love nothing more to keep her child away from this abuser, however sadly it's more complicated than that, and she's obviously terrified her actions which would be solely to protect her child will instead end up with her losing her dd, which is far from an unlikely scenario.

I appreciate you're speaking from your point of view which is completely valid, however having watched a close friend go through the same thing recently its far from being as easy as just sending her dd.

*not sending- arghh

Can't seem to edit on the app