To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

[Vinividivici]

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

Thank you. These are all things that I am trying to do. I have just found a good therapist whom I believe my daughter will open up to.

Op are you in touch with anyone in the paternal family at all? I'm not condoning the situation you're in at all btw just trying to think creatively. Wondered if you could encourage relationships in the paternal family, eg with grandparents or anyone else who might see your daughter during the time she's with her dad? If you absolutely have to send her I wonder if there are any safe people around?
Not for them to pick sides or report back or anything, but it may help her feel less isolated and dad's behaviour may change if there are more eyes on him, as it were?

The other things you can do that are 'low risk' but show that you're not alienating her is to talk factually about her dad and her paternal family, eg making a photo book of who they are and telling her about them, eg who does she look like, what does dad/stepmum/aunty do, what their hobbies are etc. You can do that without lying to her (eg telling her daddy is a good person, you just don't make any judgements like that - you keep it more neutral) Things like that go a long way with cafcass if it does end up in court.

The other thing id do and I suspect you already are, is keep encouraging her that her feelings are valid, and that she can talk to you. Even better if there is another trusted adult you can encourage her to have a relationship with (eg is there someone in school?) so that she has the environment and the words to speak up if anything else happens.

My heart goes out to you OP. I know a lot of women in a similar position. The family court isn't fit for purpose and father's rights trump those of abuse victims.

I don't know your circumstances but could you try and engage Charlotte Proudman? I think she would be your best shot.

Ps sorry crossposted with your post about a therapist that sounds like a good idea (assuming it's at the level for a 7yr old which is likely to be more play based)

@Bridgertonned thank you. My ex's mum is very nice and I communicate with her sometimes. I had a photo board for her before including her dad's family - it got dismantled in a move. Maybe I can reinstate it.

@Willyoujustbequiet maybe I should consider Charlotte Proudman. I don't want to lose all my personal wealth but I do need to protect my daughter.

Get another solicitor and let him take it to court. Document everything.

I wouldn't take any notice of what 'may' happen when my ex is strangling my childm

Do you have evidence of him attempting to strangle your daughter?

I have been through Court and CAFCASS several times with an abusive ex and agree they won't act, especially if no photographic evidence of physical abuse.

But strangulation is obviously very very serious so surely you have proof of this to prevent to Court??

I would be stopping contact immediately if anything like this had happened and use photos in Court as proof.

Strangulation is surely attempted murder? I also agree with the moonlight flit. I'd rather me and my child were homeless than send her without me to his house

There's no physical evidence of the strangulation. My ex is far too devious for that. It's just my child's word.

@sevsal with no physical evidence and a victim who doesn't want to give a formal statement against the aggressor, there's little the police can do

@sevsal the police made it sound like it was her choice...to me and to her father. (Though the father is telling everyone that they didn't act because it didn't really happen)

I'm guessing there's no history of abuse either.

@cupcaske123 I didn't pursue his abuse of me through any formal channels, I just left. But abuse of the mother is considered irrelevant to child abuse by the same perpetrator anyway.

He was investigated. With only the word of a child as evidence, they made the decision that it was unlikely to be a winner in court. My ex flatly denied any wrongdoing whatsoever and he's a very convincing liar.

I meant regarding your daughter.

My youngest son hated spending time with his Father (he too was abusive) it got so I’d drop him off and literally wait outside because, 20 mins later he’d be ringing me to go and get him.
Then he developed chronic fatigue syndrome ( diagnosed) and became really poorly and I absolutely know it was the stress from this that caused it - so every weekend would be the same his Dad shouting at me because he wouldn’t go as he was too poorly.
Then I saw reality and simply said to his Dad every friday, he doesn’t want to come, it caused a lot of trouble for me but it took the stress of my son.

Eventually my ex got the message and disowned DS by text - his health is a little better but stress excaberates his illness even now.

Please OP don’t send your daughter.

@cupcaske123 he only saw her for short times for a long period (his choice). For the last year, there has been pretty clear evidence (to my mind) of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. However, no one in the court system really cares about emotional abuse.

My daughter says he has been strangling her repeatedly for some time, but she never told me about this before

I was surprised that he turned physical, but he's been under significant stress lately and he probably found that (unlike me) my daughter doesn't comply as easily with just emotional abuse.

@Holliegee my ex and his wife aren't kind and empathetic enough ever to admit that the situation isn't working. They will bring the full force of the law against me if I withhold contact.

OP, mediation is not advised in situations like this. He's abusive. My ex husband did some utterly stupid things and put our son in danger. He ended up with supervised contact only for a long period and was never allowed overnight contact. He disappeared in the end and we've not seen him since. My experience of the family court and Cafcass was positive.

I'd speak to the Coram children's legal centre, Women's Aid and Rights of Women. Social services may be able to help too. There is nothing to suggest you would end up with switched residency. That is not done on a whim. I also don't agree with your solicitor's advice on that. Change solicitors. Have a look at the Resolution website where there are lots is solicitors who specialise in abuse cases. That's what you want.

@sevsal what is the point of your continued nit picking here?

The police told me the problem was that my daughter didn't want to take it forward. She told them it happened but she didn't want to give a statement. In law, it's the same thing - no formal statement means no actionable evidence.

You seem to be saying that all your research shows you that it's a foregone conclusion that you'd "lose" in court. That's simply not true. I know plenty of people who have been through family court and none have had residency switched. Indeed the other parent has often been forced to do courses and comply and engage with domestic abuse programmes. You are assuming none of this will happen.