To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

[Vinividivici]

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

Maybe I should find another solicitor that specialises in child abuse, as suggested above. My current solicitors are very good (I think) but I'm not sure they really get it.

so social services and the police have been involved and they are taking no further action? i find this highly unlikely if the allegations are true?

who made the allegations? whats the story? because until we know this we can't comment can we

*I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?*

I would completely change that approach.
She is in danger. I understand why it’s not as easy as just saying, “don’t send her!”
Despite her being 7, I would tell her strangling her is wrong and very dangerous and when/if he does it, she should tell his wife, and you. You don’t have to be constantly rude about him - but you can be honest. Better to be neutral any day nothing about it being “good” to be with him. It’s confusing to have you, who knows she’s been dangerously physically assaulted, telling her it’s good that she goes there. Better to say you don’t want her to see daddy unsupervised and you’re asking the court for that, but they don’t agree. Otherwise, to a 7yo, you’re actually telling her that the strangling isn’t that big a deal - make nice and go to daddy.

This is ridiculous and not helpful at all to a distressed OP in a difficult situation. No one cares about this BS nitpicking.

You clearly have never been through the systems OP has. Please stop trying to insinuate she's lying, it's offensive to OP and every other abuse victim who gets ignored in the patriarchal systems.

My daughter made the allegations. (She now also constantly brings them up to my husband and me when talking about being afraid of her dad etc.) She is a truthful child.

I told authorities.

The school totally believes that my ex was abusive and shared concerns with Social Services. They actually weren't happy with the social worker, but it's luck of the draw I guess.

My ex told everyone I am a parental alienator.

Social Services wrote a report that describes my daughter consistently describing the abuse but which doesn't recommend any protective measures against the father - just defers to the police. I have described what the police did above.

Your reaction is exactly why I am worried.

Yeah, it's messed up. But I absolutely can't be seen as an alienator or I risk losing her altogether

Edit: just to add that I never have condoned the abuse. I have just explained that it's important for children to see their fathers

and who says i have never been through the system? its offensive to assume such things.

there is very clearly a lot more to this than first meets the eye, and if you cannot see that, then i suggest you get yourself off for some glasses.

the OP was in an abusive relationship, never reported and left .. well done them! there is a child, and the OP does not want the child to spend time with their dad and his new partner.

i have seen this play out so many times, one parent accuses the other parent of doing x, y and z too the child in an attempt to keep custody and control and use the child as a weapon against the other party.

having been a victim of horrific child abuse myself, its unilkely that the child will want to spend time with her father given that he's tried to strangle her! her age has nothing to do with this.

so perhaps, next time you try to shoot down someone who simply needs more information before giving advise.. mind your own business

"i have seen this play out so many times, one parent accuses the other parent of doing x, y and z too the child in an attempt to keep custody and control and use the child as a weapon against the other party."

Really? You have seen this play out and now you KNOW that I am lying? What did I do? Coach my 7 year old to say she doesn't want to be with her dad and to make totally unprovable claims about him? You think I wanted to be in this nightmare?

OP you can't send your child to someone who regularly strangles her. He could very easily kill her. I'm very surprised that someone who is regularly being strangled, has no bruising or marks.

His partner sounds like a psychopath if she's watching a 7 year old being strangled and doesn't intervene. At the very least set up supervised access. Ask your MIL to be there when your ex has access.

I would do as advised above and find another solicitor. Get advice from a DV organisation, contact Rights of Women and go to court. You must protect your daughter's life.

@cupcaske123 I think he does it lightly enough to scare and control my daughter. In his mind he will be justified because she isn't listening to him / she is defying him.

He only does it when the wife isn't around. She's crazy but would not condone obvious physical abuse, I don't think.

@sentfrmmyiphone and in all of these incidents that you have seen play out, how do you know the allegations are false?

Read up on this - abusers are more likely to be believed when there are no marks and they make false allegations of alienation.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad

Well there's a complete head fuck for your child right there.

You've posted before and seem unable to prioritise her safety right now over what might, according to your solicitor, happen in the future.

It's awful to read that she is still not being protected.

in what world does a parent send a child who has been strangled by their dad on a regular basis as you say, still allow the child to be with the dad?

i don't care who or what court instructed me to do this.. there is no way in hell and over my dead body would i send my child into this situation!

i would not be sending them under any circumstances. not once i have i said you are lying, i have said there is more to this than you are letting on.

i am fully aware of abusers and what they are capable of thank you. i dont need to read up, i've lived through it thank you!

and just for information, BOTH my parents were the abusers.. the one who had me and the one who got me.

@sentfrmmyiphone there is not more to it than I am letting on.

Here are some reading materials who believe that I'm just full of shit. These are not in the UK, but the problems are common across these common law based legal systems.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/mar/15/children-and-family-law-how-can-you-share-parenting-with-an-abusive-parent

https://www.typeinvestigations.org/investigation/2023/05/18/parental-alienation-syndrome-father-alleged-child-abuse-win-custody-case/

i would concentrate on the UK legal system if thats where you live. no amount of reading or quoting or anything will persuade me to let my child spend even a second with their dad if this is what they are alledged to be doing to them.

simply refuse. until he has a court order instructing you that if you do not hand over the child, and until the police knock on your door to enforce this.. keep the child away SIMPLE

I do not abuse my child. I do literally everything I can do be a good and supportive mother (which includes a risk assessment and deep consideration of how to best protect her from her charming, manipulative , bullying psychopath father) . I was also emotionally and physically abused as a child and vowed that I would never mistreat my own child.

i never said you did... i said i was?

as i have said, until that court order lands on your doormat.. do not send that child anywhere.

your opening thread says 'if i go to court' which i assume means you have not yet gone through any family court proceedings. I dont mean police or criminal court, i mean family court where they look at both sides of the case and decide who should and should not have custordy.

it sounds like you have none of this in place, and if you have i stand corrected.

until that order with power of arrest is in your hands, keep that child away

@sentfrmmyiphone the problem is that if I keep her away, it feeds the parental alienation argument

I am playing the long and short games

why does it? if you genuinely believe your child not to be safe, if your ex is constantly strangling your child and his partner is watching.. which i assume you have evidence of? reports to social services, the many reports to the police? you have all this evidence that this is what is happening?

i really do feel i am missing something... how many times has he strangled her? and how? explain the circumstances around it? you say its her word against his? are there no brusies? no burn marks on her neck?

do not let that child spend any time with these people... full stop!!

@sentfrmmyiphone you are not helping the Op with your agressive and dogmatic questioning. You don’t seem to understand the court process and how abusers use the “ parental alienation “ argument to control and abuse their ex and their children.

You are right to be cautious my cousin got into a bitter custody battle the father was physically abusive to my cousin and her 12 year old son.
He had marks coming back from his dad so my cousin withheld contact SS got involved and in the end the father got full custody with my cousin having supervised contact it was horrendous. When her son was 15 he ran back home to her and they didn’t do anything he’s one messed up young man now with a lot of anger issues himself .

Sounds like u didn’t report issues to the police and SS as soon as it happened.