Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

[UsernameTalk]

My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

Remember your family only have 60days to declare for capital gains tax after the property is sold. Or you get a fine on top of the tax

TBH, it sounds like GM got shafted. Yes, she divorced her DH many years ago, but she died a pauper and her DC had loads of money.

Morally, MIL should pay. Doesn't sound she's going to. If I was related to GM in any way (like your DH), I'd pay. Not because I thought I should but because I'd want to give GM back a bit of dignity in a last gesture. It wouldn't be for MIL's benefit.

I'd also distance myself from MIL (and her money)

She shouldn’t be asking DH or his siblings to pay for the funeral. If her mother had no savings and no interest in the house she lived in, then it’s on MiL to pay for the funeral. If there is a will, make sure it’s followed to the letter and MiL doesn’t try to divert funds from the grandchildren’s share to cover costs.

The will stated that GM lived in the house for free I think.

Hopefully the estate would pay the CGT soon after sale.

She wasn’t his wife - she divorced him years ago and didn’t own the house. If part of the estate needs to go towards the funeral then it should be from MiL’s share - it was her mother.

Did the grandmother express any wishes on what she wanted for her funeral, or have a funeral plan with the Co-op or anything like that? Is there a will and if so who is/are the executors?

If there is little money in the estate, and her nearest relative, MIL won’t contribute, then DH and his siblings will have to plan a modest but respectful funeral with few trimmings, that’s within their budgets.

If MIL wants a team of black horses, a line of professional mourners and an overly expensive wake and to be in control then she needs to be the one paying the extra.

Has anyone thought to check GF’s will to see if it was stipulated that GM could live there for free ? If so, and MiL has been pocketing housing benefit, it’s fraud. There usually has to be a formal tenancy agreement in order to get housing benefit and MiL should have declared herself and everyone with a financial interest in the house as landlords. If she has actually been benefiting financially in this way, she could find herself in a fair bit of trouble if it comes to light.

GM didn’t have savings and doesn’t own the house she was living in - she was divorced from GF and living there for free. MiL and DH and his siblings are all co-owners of the house as it was left to them in GF’s will. And there’s no obligation on any of the siblings to pay for the funeral. If everyone refuses they can apply to DWP for funeral costs - eligibility would depend on what, if any, benefits GM was claiming, but I suspect they would be refused as there is a property to sell and a close relative (MiL) with the means to pay.

Suggest to MIL that DGM has a Public Health Funeral, see how that goes down.

https://www.simplicity.co.uk/advice/paupers-funeral

Unless MIL (or anyone else) had an agreement to be responsible for her debts, the debts are cancelled and there's no money to be paid. It sounds like MIL is lying to get money out of DH.

@UsernameTalk

First off, you need to stop giving your DH any of your medical info. If my DH was sharing my personal information I wouldn't be telling him anything, not even if I was having a cavity filled. And I'd make sure my treating sources knew not to say anything to him. And then I'd tell my DH exactly why I was doing it, to stop him blabbing information that he had no right to tell. And I'd find another trusted person in my life to be my third party contact, if one was needed. Perhaps that might start to show your DH how deadly serious you are about his mother's 'ways'.

As far as the house, I agree with you that DH & his sibs don't need to pay for part of the funeral. But you also know DH is (in your words) a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother. So I think you need to accept that he probably will and then decide what affect it will have on your marriage.

Bottom line is that his mother means more to him than you do. If it were otherwise he'd be telling her where to go. Personally, I wouldn't choose to live with a man who didn't put me (and 'us') first in his life.

It does. I can accept that opinions may differ on the funeral costs, but not on the repayment of debts when there was no estate.

There is no estate, just debts.

It's the husband's money, grandmother and mother. It's got nothing to do with OP.

I don't see an issue with making a contribution, presumably the husband will be getting a few thousand from the sale of the house, although it seems fair that mil should pay most of it. But even if he decides to pay the lot it's purely his decision

@DinosaurWhizz It's the husband's money, grandmother and mother. It's got nothing to do with OP we are married with children, so it is my busy if mil is guilting dh to spend hundreds on something.

This is my mil, AIBU, she is the biggest issue in my marriage
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1

Funeral costs come out of the estate BEFORE debts are paid, if there's nothing left toc over the electricity bill the electricity company has to write it off.

I could understand if your MIL had no money but this is clearly not the case. You have a young family and have no excess income. As is often the case ( not always), you find that those with alot of financial resources are often the most mean when it comes to spending/supporting.
Take care

@UsernameTalk tell us, has the funeral been arranged yet?? this makes a difference!

If she's paid off debts that would have been written of as grandma had no money that is her problem

It's also on her to pay funeral costs and as she's rolling in money she shouldn't be asking anyone else to pay towards it

The fact that she has had her mother living in a house that is partially owed by your dh and his brother when she has money and other houses just shows what a dick she is

Especially when you have a child with a disability and could have used the money from the estate yourselves

My brother and I paid for my mum's funeral as it came to more than she had in her savings. My children were very close to my mum but I didn't even think of asking them to contribute.

no he shhoulnt be paying anything

are you still lc wit her yourslef-your dh nees to stan up to her more

Yep. The DWP won’t cough up if there is a close relative who is not on benefits and has the means to pay. I think the Local Authority take a similar view if they are asked to pay for a public health funeral. GM has family, so they will be the first port of dall

There is an estate. It belongs to MiL and DH and his siblings. If the estate doesn’t belong to GM and she doesn’t have the means to pay, they will be written off.