Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

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My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

First things first, if the debts exceed grandmother's estate, then they die with her (if you are in the UK) however and it's a big however if the utilities are in the name of the home owners and not grandmother then yes, the owners are het for the perceived utilities. They are not however het for the burial costs - that should come off the bank account first then whoever ordered the funeral. By the way there will be at least a bank account if there was an overpayment of pension made - question is where is that money as if nothing else the pension should be repaid from the overpaid pension if that makes sense ie after death no one should gave touched the account OR the bank have been notified of the death and if it was a small balance paid it to the notifier. That person should therefore return the money as otherwise they are classed as intermeddling with the estate and become personally liable for the debts that weren't properly paid. Other thing to check is how the family were left the house - if its out right it's fine but if it was in life interest to grandmother, then if the value of the property is over £325k, then there could be inheritance tax to pay as a consequence of grandmother's death notwithstanding that she didn't own it. Good luck - sounds like dh is going to need it!

Can you not tell mil/husband to apply to government to help with funeral costs? Surely the shame of a paupers funeral might make mil put her hand in her pocket?

Your DH is perfectly able to say no, he chooses not to. The problem here isn't MIL it's your husband 🤷‍♀️

No one inherits the debts of the deceased - if there isn't enough in the estate to cover them, they go unpaid.
If there are no funds for the funeral, have you looked into the process around a council funded pauper's funeral?

I did start reading thinking MiL was being unreasonable, but after the info on the house, I'm not so sure.
Say there's a net £300k from the sale of the house, split 80/10/10 - you and DH would receive £30k from that.
I have no idea how much a basic funeral costs, but say £5k - so if you paid proportionately towards the funeral in the same ratios that you inherited, 10% would be £500 - so you'd still receive £29.5k.

As to how you'd go about checking whether MiL had been secretly charging rent & not sharing that, no idea.

Ahhhh...then my reply (DH's reply) would be, "Take it out of my share of the house."

People become enriched when they get others to pay the bills for them.

@ThinWomansBrain I did start reading thinking MiL was being unreasonable, but after the info on the house, I'm not so sure How? She has half a million. And she is asking DH to use some of the money he got from his grandfather decades ago to pay for her own mothers funeral? Mil's mother/ dH grandmother had no estate or money, the house was not hers, she died with just debts to her name

This needs to be a deal breaker! If he says yes he will loose any money he was entitled to from sale of the property! That’s taking money away from your family and children! I would state clearly that money is needed for your family and was wanted to go to you hence why it was left in GF will estate! Not to pay for the ex wife’s funeral. The MIL should have sorted her mums will and funeral before she passed, it’s not on the grandchildren to pay for this. Make it clear if he can’t deal with this you will!!! It’s a no and I would also speak to other siblings to see what they will be doing. If you all agree and make it clear MIL will need to sort out herself.

I'm a little surprised about the response to this post. This is a family death. Family pays. When my grandmother paid I helped with the funeral costs. Never occurred to me not to. No idea who else put in - but we had little kids and a big mortgage. Its just what you do isn't it? It shows respect.

I would suggest to you MIL that you will pay towards a Pure cremation and nothing more! Tell her you don't believe in burning money and buying flowers your DH grandmother will never see! If your MIL is as tight with money as you say she can't object to this!

I'm surprised you even ask tbh. Tell her you'll pay for the paper napkins !😆

Your MIL is out of line. Tell her you will do no such thing unless she wants to pay your home off first with the proceeds from the sale of two homes because every extra penny you have is going to pay off your own debts and monthly and annual bills (including budgeting for a family vacation). When she balks and accuses you of being nutso, let her know that's exactly how you view being asked to help pay for her mother's funeral when she has more assets to go around and she is the daughter.

Where is hubs on all this? Hiding, afraid to say no to mother? He can simply tell her he loved gran and knows she would of wanted him to stay on budget, especially since she herself was too poor to pre pay funeral expenses. He doesn't need to say another thing. Just drop the conversation. If MIL has a fit, hold your tongue and let her have it. You will feel so good about yourself for not responding and you will have strengthened you ability to not respond to every drama that is flug your way. Life is too short to respond to other's drama.

Please do not mention such a funeral. What they are offering is a pauper's funeral: - cut to the bone!

People think that such a funeral is all it takes, but it isn't, and months down the line, even years, they begin to regret not holding a service, because they do not realise in the first instance how important that service is to their future, and when doubts come into focus, it is too late.

Whenever their ads appear on TV I turn it off or to another channel. I have also kept a watch on their Company in Companies House, and the turnover of directors makes me wonder if even they are finding it difficult to stay with the company.

The Cremation Service is every bit as important as a burial. The need to have a service so that people can pay their respects at the same time as the cremation is so important, many people do not realise how much until a long time later. In the old days, even pauper funerals were attended by someone, even if not by known relatives.

MIL is family - she has the means to pay. She won't.