Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

[UsernameTalk]

My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

Children pay for their parents' funerals. Your MIL will get it all back from your DH when her time comes around.

He was a kid at the time? That's dodgy!

Is it just me who is wondering if granny didn’t really live rent-free, and if MIL was secretly charging her rent? (And keeping it for herself)

The simple answer is NO.
Funeral costs come out of her estate… she didn’t have one, so either the next of kin pays or if they refuse the dead get a government funeral which will be a cremation and small service.
I’ve worked with people who are oennyless, the government send an official to check that they were pennyless, they check bank accounts, belongings etc and if indeed your DH’s GM had nothing they’ll cremate her at the cost of tax payers. I’m unsure what happens to the ashes .. we attended such a funeral, just myself and another resident attended, the deceased had years of drug abuse and homelessness and had lost touch with his family. We had no contact information, no way of informing family.

Your mother in law should pay for HER MOTHERS funeral. I’d suggest your DH & his siblings going together as a United front and saying to their mother that their grandfathers inheritance is exactly that, theirs! And nothing to do with their grandmother ms death! I’d say flat out to her not to be so bloody tight!! Tell her their money is to improve their lives and that of her grandchildren’s… SHE can afford it and only has to look after herself!

As for bills/debts and over paid pension… this will come out of grandmothers bank accounts… again if there is no money and no estate then the debts are written off !

but it might just encourage him to be a little less of a wet blanket and this point i don't think much will. he either won't agree or just shrug it off that he has lost money

if dh and siblings owned a part share in house, why did they allow the grandmother to stay rent free think they were children when it happened. Then adult dh and bil were not going to go against what their mother wanted. Also it is there gran

Is it just me who is wondering if granny didn’t really live rent-free, and if MIL was secretly charging her rent? i think she did have control over her bank in the last few years of her life. She always complained what her mum spent her pension on (wasted it on in her words), and complained alll the time about having to buy her a new oven etc.

Honestly I don’t understand this arrangement. If she was not wealthy she could have applied for housing benefit which would’ve paid rent to you DH & his siblings and their mother.
I suspect she charged her mother rent and excepted housing benefit to cover rent but never told her children/shared the money with them. If she’s too tight to cover her mums funeral costs then there is no way she allowed her to live there rent free!

I also suspect your husband is a wet blanket because he’s considering his inheritance in the future. Doesn’t want to risk being written out of his mothers will

It's usually harder to get housing benefit if the property was owned by a relative. Certainly possible, but you need a formal tenancy agreement, for obvious reasons. I can see why MIL might not have wanted to draw too much attention to the situation, if her minor DC partially owned the property.

These younger people with loads of income who sit back and watch their grandparents/parents struggle amazes me too (although seemingly not in this case).

@T1Dmama could be that she was secretly charging her mum rent from benefits or that her mum could have applied for housing benefit and she did want her too because she didnt want any associated stigma or people to find out. She would not want people to know a member of her family was claiming benifits - she is qutie the snob. Appearance means alot to Mil, more so than family members happyness or wellbeing. So dh definitely should have got a share of that as part owner? So has lost money that way? Mil wont care about that and dh would never care of confront her on that.

It is in this case… MIL is very wealthy & is expecting her children to pay towards a funeral when they are not wealthy and have families to support.
MIL should be paying all costs and helping her own children out rather than trying to extract money from them.

It comes from the estate, or she pays for it, or she arranged a paupers funeral and paupers grave.

These younger people with loads of income who sit back and watch their grandparents/parents struggle amazes me too (although seemingly not in this case).

What on earth is this pointless comment about?

OP, you’ll be explaining forever, people just don’t read, & the reason they want more info is because they’re nosy.

Now you know how MIL got her half a million. Don’t sell the house just yet, wait until MIL’s paid for the funeral.

If she was charging rent then yes, it should have been shared. Maybe she didn’t bother as didn’t want the hassle of filing tax returns on it. Who knows. It would be unusual for someone seemingly so tight though, to allow someone to live rent free. The fact it was her mother has no bearing here since she clearly doesn’t care enough to cover her funeral costs!
IF your DH & his siblings do agree to pay towards funeral it should be done in proportion of inheritance … so if she owns 50% of the grandfathers house then she pays half of the funeral etc…. However as it’s not the grandmothers estate they shouldn’t pay at all… just depends if they have it in them to fight her…. When the house is sold hopefully the solicitor dealing with it will just give the money straight to each person that has a share, your DH could refuse at this point to give mother anything…. Only he knows what he is willing to do… he shouldn’t but will he risk the wrath of his mother

Direct cremation is £1900. A funeral is about £5000 with a church service.
I'd offer £1000 towards it.
The LA can do a state funded cremation and there is an allowance. It will be difficult to access and quite frankly your MIL can do that as she is next of kin.
The waters are muddied here due to the tenancy. Your MIL sounds awful.
If your DHs grandmother is cremated who is collecting the ashes because your mil sounds like she didn't like her mother much. How sad is that.

They could all refuse
and tell her she either pays or her mother has a paupers funeral (cremearion these days)… I doubt she would allow that being that her image is so important!

She needs to pay for the funeral herself. She shouldn't even be asking you. Presumably she is the next of kin and is arranging the funeral.

Your MIL should pay however encourage her to apply for funding and to plan an inexpensive funeral.
Ther is rarely any need for an expensive funeral.
Plan to spend money on a reasonable headstone and refreshments instead.

Absolutely spot on about Capital gains tax .

we were gifted share of MIL house by MIL when FIL died about 20 years ago .

MIL pays market rent, we have paid basic landlord type expenses ( eg building insurance etc) out of that rent and declared the rent ( and associated expenses ) for tax purposes .

we also had the property valued for capital gains tax - that is our base cost for tax when we come to sell the property . We will have to pay tax on the increase in the market value of that property since then . Since MIL has lived there as a tenant there is no tax relief for her living there in the way that we Don’t pay tax when we sell a home we have lived in the whole
time.

however since the property was gifted over 7 years ago there will be no inheritance tax to pay on the value of the house when she passes away , since she has other assets it takes her over the threshold .

I don’t wholly approve of this type of tax planning myself but it has certainly been conducted properly .

My advice would be keep out of it. It’s your husbands business what he now does with his inheritance, and whether he stands up to his mum. You can only give and opinion and suggest he and his siblings stand up to her…. Then take a step back and say you’ll support him whatever decision he decides .. his mum is clearly a nasty piece of work and personally I’d have nothing to do with her and I’d keep my kids as minimum contact as possible too. DH can visit his mum alone.
Maybe book an appointment for him to see a citizens advice person

Mil can pay for the funeral. Once the house is sold and the money is in the bank, the executor can reimburse her and also pay any outstanding debts. Who is the executor of the will. Let them sort it out.

So you don’t think part of the grandfathers estate should go towards his wife’s funeral ?

He didn't have a wife, they've been divorced nigh on half a century. Cancel the wife cheque.