Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

[UsernameTalk]

My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

"The estate was not DH's grandmothers. It is owned mostly by Mil, with a small share to dh and his siblings. It was given to them decades ago from DH's grandfather. It is just now they can sell it as DH grandmother was living in it for free"

'The estate' is the term used to describe the total of the deceased's assets and liabilities.

If your DH's grandparent had £11k in savings and a £280 credit card bill - this is 'their estate'. The executor would pay the debts (alongside any inheritance tax due), and the remaining would be distributed as per the will. The cost of the funeral can also be deducted from the estate, before distributing assets in line with the will.

Does the estate not cover funeral costs? It sounds as if this isn't the case and therefore your MiL is wanting to share the cost with other living relatives. However, based on what you have written, it is possible that whether or not the estate could cover it, if it is all due to go to her, she doesn't want it to be paid from the estate.

Bottom line - your DH is not obliged to pay for it. He can just say no. The issue here will be his appetite for having to deal with the fall out!

Pretty horrible on the part of your dh's grandfather to not even leave his own wife enough money to pay for her own funeral or care costs should she have needed them. Let MIL pay, she clearly went along with this arrangement which hugely benefitted herself.

OP you still haven’t said who has maintained the house since GF died? I am not 100% sure of all the details. I think his GM pension covered heating, electricity etc. But mil has said her mother was bad with money, and would complain often about having to buy her a new oven etc. Not sure about maintaining the property.

Exactly! I noticed that too

Why don't people read the thread before commenting?!!!

She was not his wife when he died - they were long divorced!

At least GM didn’t have to pay rent. But does sound as if MIL has paid extras for the house

Where did GM live before GF died?

Apologies, my mistake. A lot of drip feeding though.

Unless the will said otherwise the house should have been sold when the grandfather died, his ex wife had no right to go on living there. Your husband should have had his share of the money then and whoever was executor of the estate (presumably his mother) could potentially be sued for allowing the grandmother to live there. The question would be whether your husband (and his siblings) have lost money because they did not get their cash at the time or if the increased house value still outweighs the capital gains tax. As house prices have increased he may not have lost cash but if he has you have grounds for legal action.

You might want to actually get a copy of the grandfather's will.

"The estate was not DH's grandmothers. It is owned mostly by Mil, with a small share to dh and his siblings. It was given to them decades ago from DH's grandfather. It is just now they can sell it as DH grandmother was living in it for free" Yes this

Does the estate not cover funeral costs? No DH GM had no money, maybe a few hundred pounds, and electricity/ gas bill debt and a pension that was overpaid to pay back

This. MiL should be paying along with any siblings she has.

Then MiL pays.

@anyolddinosaur it was mil's idea to let her mum live in the house for free. DH would have been a child at the time, and he always goes along with what his mum wants. Its been a decade long battle with him over this. No idea if he has lost of gained money with this situation.

Ad he's a wet lettuce he prob wontfo this, but he could explain it'd unaffordable but that he'd happy to set up a Go Fund Me for it.

With her millions in the bank she should be ashamed to do this and step in.

(Only ashamed as she has plenty of money, my cousins had to do this for their Mums funeral so I'm not saying it's a shameful thing to do always)

What has been a decade long battle @UsernameTalk

This is an incredibly frustrating thread OP. You are remarkably patient!

Make it a deal breaker op. Does the area she died in know your mil? because dh should message his siblings and say I know mum will have been onto you but I won’t be paying a penny for grandmas funeral, and I’m happy to tell her you two aren’t either. Tell him this is his chance to be a big brother to the siblings who will be his only extended family after his parents are gone, and maybe his only family if he hands over a penny of family money to his mum for this. To his mum he messaged ‘mum we will not be contributing to grandmas funeral, we wouldn’t dream of asking that of our children for their grandparents. Happy to contact the hospital /funeral home and say <mils name>’s mum will have a paupers funeral if that’s what you decide.’
then you hold his phone for him for the evening.

@crumblingschools What has been a decade long battle I have another post about mil and her behaviour and pushing for lower contact, trying to get DH to stand up to her. It is under the same name. She is the biggest issue in my marriage.

Here: To think Mil is batshit and if I am unreasonable going low contact?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1

@Codlingmoths dh's brother would not go along with this, he is even more of a wet lettuce when it comes to his mum than my dh

Can you ask DH if he’ll be expecting your DC to pay for his mother’s funeral when her time comes? Phrased like that can’t he see the absurdity of it?

@UsernameTalk actually the person who organised the undertakers etc is the person responsible for paying the funeral if there is no estate!!

Absolutely 100% not. The next of kin pays - hopefully out of the estate, but if not, out of their pocket.

How miserly she is. I wouldn't give her a penny.

Hope your DH gets good amount from GFs estate.

OP he probably has not lost money - but if he has the legal position is that he could sue his mother. If he was a child then she would probably have been holding his share as a trustee - and that means she had a legal obligation to maximise the benefit to him. She had no legal obligation as executor to his grandmother. So the house should have been sold and the money invested for him and his siblings or rented out and the childrens share of the money invested for them. He could have forced a sale when legally an adult.

I realise your husband is very unlikely to want to take legal action against his mother and unlikely to have wanted to evict granny - but it might just encourage him to be a little less of a wet blanket if he realises his mother hasnt always acted in his best interests. Few people seem to understand that being an executor means you have legal obligations to the beneficiaries!

Morally I might have been willing to contribute to my own grandmothers funerals in proportion to my share of any estate - but his mother has no legal right to take money for the funeral from the sale proceeds either. So you can just say we are living hand to mouth, we dont have the money.

I agree with this.

Tell your husband that, as a family unit, you cannot commit to taking any financial responsibility for the funeral of family members who are not next of kin. This needs to apply to all family members both sides and, going forward, to your children.

With your children, you can make a plan to ensure your estate covers this (the state doesn't touch the final £23k of an estate when taking costs to cover care). With your parents, hopefully their estates will cover the costs, but if not, you will take responsibility. Beyond that, you won't get involved in paying.

Hopefully by making this a universal rule you will apply across the board, it removes the personal element and the enmeshed aspects going on between your DH and his mother?

@UsernameTalk dont think they can chase for debt if there is no estate for them to get it from!! on top of that, if dh and siblings owned a part share in house, why did they allow the grandmother to stay rent free????