Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

[UsernameTalk]

My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

They only need to be paid if the deceased left money or assets to pay them from. If there's no estate then no, because otherwise that would mean other people having to pay them instead. When there is an estate that covers them, yes they do need to be paid before any inheritance.

Well what a drip feed
it was her house if they were married but she gave it away and your dh was one if the beneficiaries
puts a different slant on it!

She sounds vile. She should pay for her own mothers funeral. And the debt isn't even payable I'm sure. They come out of the estate, but if there's no estate they don't transfer, you don't inherit debt. In the UK anyway.

Just say you don't have the money, she can more than afford it. When the house sells she legally can't give your DH less money to cover the funeral, she has to give him his legal proportion, less his proportion of fees. But is it worth paying that bit so she doesn't disinherit you?

@UsernameTalk what is MIL's justification for this? Sometimes a simple 'why?' can be quite illuminating.

IME tight and manipulating people are very good at expecting to control how other people spend their own money.

If GM had no assets then I believe her debts die with her.

it was her house if they were married but she gave it away and your dh was one if the beneficiaries no idea what happened. But dh's grandmother and grandfather divorced, he kept the house. Decades later dh's grandfather died and left house to mil, dh and siblings. Dh's grandmother lived in in for free.

Them being married doesn't make it her house, even if it was bought during the marriage which OP didn't specify. And if it was, she didn't necessarily give it away either. OP says they were divorced a long time ago. It's possible there wasn't much equity when they split, for example.

The costs will come from her estate, sounds like yr mil is clueless.

@Skybluepinky there is no estate. GM had no money or assets

IME tight and manipulating people are very good at expecting to control how other people spend their own money yes I have another post on her behaviour - she is nuts and I am trying to go low contact. Dh is a wet lettuce unfortunately. She is the first few chapters in Susan Forwards Toxic In laws.

What does your MIL want to save her money for? If she won't pay she can inform the local council and a public health cremation would be arranged. Your DH should not feel any guilt when MIL has plenty of money to pay for a funeral.

Have you asked why?

Is she planning the funeral & making it a show & that's where big unexpected expense is coming from, or is it that she is looking for £200 to help cover costs as a gesture?

If she herself dies in a few years, should her funeral come from your kids child trust fund or pocket money?

Well given your update, no one was liable for the debts as there was no estate left by the grandmother to pay off the money. If MIL then its her bad.

The house had already been inherited to the Mill and son's, so wasn't part of grandmother estate. There will be inheritance tax owing on this if its been sold.

Your husband is under no obligation to pay towards his grandmother's funeral, the MIL should pay or if she's unwilling to the she can apply for a paupers funeral. That's upto her.

I'd take your inheritance from the grandfrathers house and go low contact with the money grabbing MIL.

the debts don't have to be paid as GM didn't have any, it's up to the family if they want to pay for the funeral.
your MIL sounds so mean and tightfisted to expect your DH and siblings to chip in.

it's as though now they're coming into a bit of money she's telling them how to spend it and it's all to ease her burden, she obviously resents having to pay out for her own mother's funeral.

OP says they were divorced a long time ago. It's possible there wasn't much equity when they split, for example probably this, no idea really. Divorce was probably the 70's not sure, and Dh's grandfather could have kept the equity in the house and Dh's grandmother got money instead. Whether she got a fair share, or not really not sure. 40 years after divorce she had no money and only a small amount of debt. And the estate that is being sold is a totally different estate not linked to Dh's grandmothers debt.

it's as though now they're coming into a bit of money she's telling them how to spend it and it's all to ease her burden, she obviously resents having to pay out for her own mother's funeral. this and probably resents that fact that her dad left a small part of the house to dh and siblings. She probably wanted the lot

Guessing your real concern is that your husband is likely to do what his mother tells him, regardless of the rights and wrongs? It doesn't sound like he's up for saying no to his mother

Wonder what she's planned for her estate...

Bet it'll go elsewhere or ringfenced with conditions

I assume DH's father is not around?

MIL should be paying. Ridiculous that she has asked her own children to pay for her mother's funeral.

It doesn't sound like he's up for saying no to his mother yes it has been a decade long battle of getting dh to say no to his mum, not tell her everything (even private medical details about me) and not be a total wet lettuce. My other post explains it all. She thinks she has a right to dictate every espect oh dh's life.

Do you have DC op?

That's your problem then.

Because he can't be forced, and he's entitled to his share of the house regardless of whether he pays towards the funeral costs of a different person. But from what you say, he isn't going to be capable of getting his head round that part.

It would have been quite usual for the grandfather to leave the house to his wife, and for her to leave defined amounts to her grandchildren with her daughter as residuary beneficiary. On that basis the funeral costs and fixed legacies would be paid before calculating the residue, so in effect they come out of the residuary legacies - which would mean your mother paying. As she has had the benefit of the bulk of her father's estate it still makes sense for her to do so.

The fact that the house was legally passed down generations years ago means that morally at least the funeral expenses should come out of it. So I would expect DH's contribution to be in line with his share in the house.

Just say you’ve got no spare money. She’s a cheeky cow

What state is the property in if grandad died decades ago? Has MIL paid for any maintenance work, new kitchen etc?