Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

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My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs.

Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it.
AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

Are people missing that DGM and DGF were divorced? Almost certainly for much longer than they were married, since it happened in the 70s.

Your MIL and DH should be aware that if the house is worth a lot, then there could still be inheritance tax to pay on its value. As it's considered that the grandmother was still the beneficial owner, despite it being held in others' names. See www.crane-staples.co.uk/news/inheritance-tax-can-i-gift-my-house-to-my-children-and-still-live-in-it/

Wonder what she's planned for her estate...
Bet it'll go elsewhere or ringfenced with conditions
She loves to try to control people with money, or dictate what family members do with their money. She is money money money obsessed. Even asked how much I earn, and why i bought something for work (that meant I could work from home more).

I assume DH's father is not around? long divorced from Dh's dad. She got the house, and this is one of the reasons she has sold two houses in the past couple of years.

Do you have DC op? Yeah 2, one with sen (Mil also blamed me for his language delay)

Could it be more emotional than financial? As in the whole family should give what they can?

My grandma (who I very much hope has lots of time left to live), doesn’t have much in terms of money and nothing in terms of asset, though I am sure she’s prepared everything to have her death covered (it’s a topic we discuss a lot.) Two of my aunts are rich and could easily cover her funeral if ever needed BUT I would still want to participate, I adore ny
grandma I would be completely devastated if/when she dies.

Her funeral would be my final goodbye to her so anything I could do financially I would want it done, irrelevant of if my aunts can easily cover it and not feel the hit.

So for me it would be emotional, and I don’t know if the rest of the family would expect me and the others to fork in but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did at all, but for as flawed as my family is, that’s just how we would naturally react, irrelevant of our finances I think most of us would want to fork in but then again she is beyond loved and the pillar of our family so paying for her funeral wouldn’t ever became a source of fighting or of “who should pay”.

Not sure about your husband and his family/relationship to his grandmother, I just know that for me and mine it would all be about paying back towards grandma rather than who can easily afford it and most of us would spend our last penny on it if that’s what it would take for her to have the goodbye she deserves.

Different families have different relationships and different priorities though, hence me asking if it’s really so she doesn’t have to pay for her own mother’s funeral or if it’s because she expect her son to naturally want to participate?

There will be CGT on capital growth from the GD date of death top sliced on income for rate but less CGT allowance which will probably be slashed by Labour under an emergency budget in the next few weeks.

@Fireyflies it wasn’t GM’s, only belonged to GF.

The question is did your DH love his GM.

I mean my DM died and my DF was wealthy but I wanted to pay for flowers and organised some lovely flowers for the reception.

it was just a gesture that cost a few hundred.

could still be inheritance tax to pay on its value I think there will be capital gains tax as it has increased in value in the past 20 years, but inheritance tax has been settled when mil inherited it? I think Mil is trying to claim her mothers overpaid pension on the capital gains tax - which are two different estates?? Not sure about all the tax stuff

Yes that makes it more complex. Probably worth asking a lawyer, as she's still been the one living in it for a long while.

Sounds fair enough to share the funeral costs in proportion to the house ownership . Yes Mil is minted but presumably Dh will.inherit sone of this wealth. Did he love his Grandmother?

This sounds like a DH problem.

Are you saying DH is going to pay rather than say no to MIL?

What would happen if you told him this was a deal breaker? Would he rather upset you than her?

I cannot understand any parent not wanting the best for the DC financially, and in your MIL's shoes I would be saying 'don't worry kids, I'll cover Mum's funeral costs'.

However, as your MIL is obviously not a generous character, I would suggest that as the house is owned (say) 70% by MIL and 10% each to your DH and his siblings, it would be 'reasonable' to offer 10% of the funeral cost and if his siblings can do the same, that will leave MIL with 70% of the cost. But I would do this on the understanding that you don't have spare cash, and your share will therefore need to be deducted from the payout when the property is sold.

Why did the grandfather’s estate pass straight to children rather than to his wife? You’ve said grandmother and not indicated it was a second marriage but it looks like she had a life interest or right to live in the house and now she’s died no one is even prepared to pay for a funeral. What’s the story?

Why did the grandfather’s estate pass straight to children rather than to his wife? they had long been divorced

@PinkTonic OP has clarified grandparents were divorced years ago

The grandmother has no estate I don't know why you all keep referring to the estate. The house is not part of any estate as such .. it belongs to the mil and dh and siblings and did so before the gm died. The grandmother has passed now and Mil will need to cough up but is trying to pass the costs to her kids. She can't force them at all. If they separately choose to sell the house that they all own they will all legally get their share of what was left to them. End of . If dh decides to pay or not pay its just a personal choice for him. It's no more complicated then that. Even if he was given cash from the gf as ppl keep asking it's completely irrelevant. There's no legal obligation for him to pay now and no moral reason to pay as his mother had more then enough to pay for it. The woman has money!!!

Are you saying DH is going to pay rather than say no to MIL? Not sure, i might have to make it a deal breaker. It's been a long struggle and still a struggle. He is a wet lettuce with his family. Even to get him not to tell her private medical information about me.

What does your DH ?Say.

It is really appalling that your DH's grandfather, had the house in his name only, left it to children and grandchildren, rather than his wife, whose home it was, left her with no assets to the extent that she died with debts.

DH's grandmother should have put a charge on the property when the GF was alive and contested the will after he died. Morally, GM's funeral costs should come out of the house sale and I don't think DH should contribute. MIL sounds like a grabby so and so.

He didn't have a wife.

They were divorced in the 70s, he got the house, and we don't know if there was even much equity in the house at the time they split.

Your mil is very unreasonable. Personally I think your husband should point out the facts and say “no sorry mum, you have plenty of money to pay for the funeral costs but we are bringing up young children and don’t have a lot to spare”.

Alternatively agree to split the funeral costs in the proportion of the ownership of the inherited property. Eg if Mil inherited 70% and DH and two siblings got 10% each (total 30%) then split funeral costs in the same ratio - ie she pays 70%.

Funeral costs get paid first before any bills.
If there is no money in the estate then the absolute last resort is the council will pay for a pauper type funeral, which will somewhat reflect on the MIL and her millions

Nope. The next of kin pay - unless there's some reason why that's completely inappropriate, such as the next of kin being literal children themselves.

It's your MIL job to pay. Obviously.

But if perhaps you and any siblings wanted to club together for something like the flowers, that would perhaps soothe the waters slightly.

I've seen from my own bitter experience, that previously normal rational people can behave in really strange, irrational ways when grieving.

GM wasn’t the wife when he died.

OP you still haven’t said who has maintained the house since GF died? Did GM have a big enough pension to cover things like that or have costs been split between MIL and her adult DC, or has MIL shouldered that burden alone, or has nothing been done to the house since GF died?

What does your DH I have had to have arguments with him about not telling his mummy about my post birth examinations after he told her, when she asked after the birth of our first dc (She actually asked what vaginal examinations am I having, and he told her!!!!!!! My own mother would not ask this). So his wet lettice opinion when it comes to his mother is not relevant.