I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

I don't think it is misandry. Mumsnet is like this with women too, apparently your worth is measured only in employment. People seem to think stacking supermarket shelves will bring fulfillment and if you are stacking shelves then MN wants to know why you aren't earning more. There's a lot of small minded bitter people, who don't seem to have any experience of alternative lifestyles. They also seem incapable of reading, the OPs partner has savings, volunteers, does the bulk of the stuff at home, helps out friends and family and has been applying for lots of jobs. Finding employment in your 50s is hard. I take temporary work, but physically some of it is a struggle and I'm fairly fit.

I'd agree with you that a person's worth can also be measured in other ways.

Those preaching about the number of degrees you could have studied for in that time...degrees are 9k a year. 27k for a degree. They aren't free, even the OU is expensive. Rural colleges offer very little.

I'm exhausted from this job.

How exhausted are you going to feel in 10 years time.

You can’t even have the luxury of dropping a day or finding something less stressful for less money because you know that you are solely responsible for paying all of the bills now and when you retire.

He’s an educated man with work experience.
There’s no reason he can’t find some sort of work to take some of the strain off you.

I wouldn't get married OP. Your life is fine, getting married would put you on a back foot financially.
Moving away from your family does sound like a plan, quite frankly they sound toxic. But you really need to tell them to butt out.

How exhausted is she going to be if she has 50% of the household chores to do as well. At the moment her partner is taking on the bulk of the housework.

I don't think it is misandry. Mumsnet is like this with women too, apparently your worth is measured only in employment.

For me, it's nothing to do with your "worth", and everything to do with not taking the fucking piss and expecting another grown adult to support you while you swan around volunteering and doing some light cleaning.

OP says herself she is exhausted - I'm not bloody surprised. Carrying the financial load is tough, especially when your partner isn't even at home for a legitimate reason in the first place.

Indeed. It might be fine now but what happens if you want to go part time in the future and what happens if he has no pension to fall back on?

With regards to accusations of people not understanding alternative lifestyles - that person clearly hasn't read the thread properly either because OP actually said she isnt entirely happy with him not working either! The reason people suggest people get jobs is not because it affects their value as a human being but because if their partner leaves them or they decide to split up they will be financially screwed and left with nothing. But only on MN can you pay your rent/mortgage/food bills with good deeds and "be kind" eh?.

At the moment her partner is taking on the bulk of the housework

Bulk of the housework? what- a bit of cleaning and cooking dinner for two adults with no kids. LMAO You do realise most people do that and work full time too?

@SafetyLady - you are exhausted by your job. And now you are planning to add on a longer commute? While he continues pottering around and hopefully does a few handyman tasks? Maybe 12 hours a week at NMW?

It's your life, but do consider the long-term implications. How much more exhaustion are you willing to battle. Plus further down the line: retirement, pensions, etc - particularly since he is (I think) much older than you...... you might end up as his nurse with a purse.

Give me a break. I work a very demanding job and have 2 kids and dogs. doing half the housework for 2 adults, isn’t going to break the Op

and if he was earning maybe she could take it easier

Supermarkets do recruit - and I am sure all of them near OP will have done at some point during the last 5 years.

As for taking on older male workers, my FIL retired from his career, then started a P/T job in a supermarket for something to do. He just didn't want a stressful career anymore. He was there for years until he was ready to retire properly.

Bulk of what housework? lol.

Hahaha

Just how much housework do you think there is for two adults, one of whom is out at work every day?

Do you envision him scrubbing floors for hours and hours every day like cinderella?

Most grown adults do their own housework (and usually work too), it's not some amazingly generous deed that he's doing- we all have to keep our houses clean and do our own laundry and cook our own meals. It's part of being a functioning adult. I am forever astounded by the double standards with regards to gender roles. A woman does housework= so what?. A man does housework= so amazing, what a kind and wonderful person! I expect my partner to help with chores because he bloody lives here too. Its an expectation, not a "favour" to me.

Maybe they expect you to go on doing just what you already are - functioning as the family punching bag? With people like this you do have to admit the possibility that they just like being cruel and finding reasons to feel superior to someone else.

Stop worrying about what they expect from you (unless they're paying your / his bills, it's in no way their business) and start insisting on what you expect from them (shutting the hell up about it). You do sound quite servile in how you interact with them, making justifications for your situation and generally debating it with them. All this does is reinforce the idea that there's something to debate here. You don't have to explain yourself to them, so don't. Tell them you're drawing a line under the topic and then refuse to discuss it again.

OP Obviously doesn't want the advice we have given on her partner...she wants him there and fine with her lot...i disagree with her but cest la vie.She wants advice where she already knows the answer... Parents hate her fella at home whilst she works...what shall she do? Loads people have given her that advice...tell them keep their noses out...OP knows she should be saying that she knew before posting.
Im not sure the other stuff is true tbh..im not sure its all genuine so im bowing out of this one.

DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband

No kids? He's taking the piss.

It’s just the 2 of them - how much housework can there possibly be?

I’m a single parent and work full time and somehow manage to do all of the housework myself.

How do you think everyone else copes?

It doesn’t take 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to do housework for 2 adults.

I don't think you would be getting these responses if it was a woman acting as housewife. There's nothing wrong with housewife/hub if both parties are happy with the arrangement. He had to sacrifice his career to support yours. He shouldn't have to get any old low paid job when you dont need the money. Maybe it's YOUR turn to move to wherever HIS next job is- tell your family that and see how they like it! Your mum is sexist if she thinks housewives are fine but househusbands aren't. Its not like he's lazy, he's doing his part well from the sounds of it.

He had to sacrifice his career to support yours.

Did he HAVE to?

Is he contributing financially? You say he has savings? Are you expected to fund him in retirement?

He had to sacrifice his career to support yours

did you even read the op , sacrifice his career. Yeah she moved to Outer Mongolia, 😂

Where the heck do you live that you think this. Downtown abbey?

It depends on his profession. Many are location dependant. I don't think he was working at Tescos.

People often can't just move to a random place and expect to find the same job on offer there.

I'm going to stop responding now.

Thanks to everyone who tried to help.

I think we'll be looking to move somewhere less isolated, DP can turn the handyman stuff into being self employed, and it'll be no one else's business if it only amounts to part time work.

Even if it is only part time, no one else needs to know that.

"James has decided to set himself up properly as a self-employed handyman, you know, make a proper job of it, you know, register as a proper business".

Then, every single time you talk to them, no matter whether he's worked an hour that week, or been flat out dawn to dusk, whenever anyone asks how his work is going, you say "oh, yeah, brilliantly, he's been really busy". It's not even a lie when you think that everything is subjective. He was busy for that hour he was working.