I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

You say he had savings? He needs to pay his NI contributions for the last 5 year .... For his pension when hes retired properly.

I'm trying to think how many 'kept', childless women I know.

Literally none. I'm sure you know lots though.

Why on earth would you do this to yourself?

But OP isn't entirely happy, she says so in her updates.

Why on earth would you do this to yourself?

See I disagree that this is good avice.

Mainly this part...

“Look, DH has looked and is currently looking for work, it’s a difficult situation so I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourselves, unless you have an actual concrete solution or opportunity for him”

Because he's NOT seriously looking for work.

THEY know that and you know that deep down, so it's the bullshit that's causing the problem.

It seems to me she is happy with the arrangement with her DH, it’s her family’s attitude that’s making her unhappy.

Why? Why can’t you live closer to people where you have a shorter commute?

The more this thread goes on the more I think your family keep commenting because it’s clear that you aren’t actually happy and you appear to try and keep doing things to improve his life and make yours harder.

It would be interesting to see what the families point of view actually is.

Yes. He's a good-hearted, kind, and thoughtful person who I love very much.
I know I'm not a perfect person, and he doesn't have to be either.

I don't know if people on here are being exist, but certainly my mother sees nothing wrong with women being stay at home wives!

We haven't felt the need to get married, but it is something to think about.

She says herself that she's not completely happy with it, and also that she's exhausted from her job.

It's right there in her posts, I'm not making it up.

@SafetyLady yiu say you lived in together. Whose house is it? Do you rent or own? If you jointly own did you put equal amounts in? Do you have a mortgage? Who pays that?

Oh come on, he’s obviously being picky with choosing jobs. When I left uni and was desperate for a job as I had bills to pay (I lived alone), I literally applied for every single job I could see. I’m vegan, I put aside my morals and applied for a sausage factory because I was that desperate. I think people like your partner get too reliant on their partner and their partners income as opposed to someone who lives alone and has no other choice than to pay for their own way in life.

She's not happy.

It was obvious from her OP anyway (because otherwise she'd simply say that's their choice and let that be the end of it).

And if she was happy to 'manage ok on her salary', he wouldn't be pretending to look for work for 5 years.

But apart from this, the OP has actually stated in her update that she's not happy.

We haven't felt the need to get married, but it is something to think about.

Yes, never marry him.

I don’t think people are being sexist. There was a thread recently where a female op was considering giving go up work because her boyfriend earned enough so she didn’t have to work.

Most people disagreed it was a good idea and most thought there should be no reason an able bodied adult didn’t work, especially when their no kids.

In your case your job is also exhausting you and it’s not surprising people think he should be working.

Definitely don’t marry him!!!

Ok- so you arent fully happy with it but are also utterly fed up of your family sticking their oar in. Thats completely understandable!

Both can be true at the same time- this isnt you and him versus your family, its about what you and your partner want and you want him to get a job of some kind.

I think you need to have a sit down talk with him then and tell him what you have told us. If he's that lovely and kind then he will understand wont he, and he should be willing to compromise by being less picky and at least get some kind of work in place- be it self employed or whatever, even if its part time.

You keep saying he's so great but then you should be able to discuss this with him. It has nothing to do with your family or them being right or wrong, this is about both of you and your plans for the future.

Talk to him. If you find you are having to convince him to get a job after explaining how you feel then that is a bit of a red flag.

If your family mention it again, you could try “what would you like to happen?” That way you are not giving any suggestions, it’s up to them to give you an insight. Or stop caring what they think,

Do you not see the contradiction. You don’t want him to do low paid jobs, but ok with him being a handy man. He’s hardly going to be challenging daddy warbucks being a handy man.

and on your mum, yes some older women feel a housewife is a legit thing, it was many moons ago, someone even wrote about running the household on here, to enable your career, like that was a thing and something you need. To ne fair it is more socially acceptable still to be a house wife rather than a house husband, as sexist as that is. But people assume kids at its inception.

im afraid I’d not tolerate it, I wouldn’t wish to pay for my husband like this, coasting along,spending my money whilst I worked every day. He wasn’t even in a good job when he quit to move with you. It’s not like he’s a stellar career behind him. You moving provided him with an opportunity to live off you.

5 years is an very long time to be looking for work, It sound like he may well be looking for a. Job in he's certain field and If so maybe he needs looks to at other work. He could get an delivery job like for an takeaway at night and look at studying in the day in another field he might like, Loads of online courses now days.

What a lucky man, gets to kick his feet up and only has to suck up to his girlfriend to get a free ride in life.

Good for him. Your a sugar momma, OP.

@SafetyLady I'm struggling to understand WHY you care so much what your family think?
Also, I wonder if everything is as it seems?

If you're the sibling that lives the closest and do a lot for your parents, your siblings may sadly be stoking the fire to protect their share of the inheritance. Your DP not working suits them - they can claim that he'll get a share and squander it all. Instead of you getting a bigger piece of the pie which would be rightly deserve.

Caring is work. Visiting your parents, doing all the stuff he's done for them, it's extremely difficult to do all of it on top of a FT job. If the plan is that you're going to take on more of the caring responsibilities, it suits you to have him PT.

I mean - you have to pay some attention to what your parents think. After all you moved for them. But your siblings?? Why on Earth are you not telling them to STFU?

That being said, parents can't make demands on how you organise your household. If I were you, I'd tell them that your DP had gotten a FT job and was no longer available to service them... you don't do anything extra... see how they like it.

Also I don't know about you but I wouldn't be able to put up with the constant nagging. Maybe if there was a nice fat inheritance - but you're 40, it'll be a while away and who knows one of your siblings might convince them to cut you out of the will. I'd be washing my hands of the whole thing personally.

If it suits you and suits him to have this set up then tell them to fuck off and it's none of their business. I'd suggest keeping away from family events personally.

I'm asking if I'm doing something ridiculous by not being able to figure what my family is wanting me to do

You're being ridiculous for allowing your family this much control over your life and relationship. He sounds like a good man who has done a lot of free work for your parents, so stand up for him and tell them to fuck off. Or if you don't stand up for him, do so for yourself. My mother was always going on about me being dramatic too for objecting to her saying something insulting about my life choices.

Having done this myself in my 20’s age is my excuse, for nearly eight years. The thing I learnt was actions speak louder than words. He sees the grief you are getting from your family sees how tired, yet does nothing to ease that burden. How can someone profess love & see the person they love in pain? Sometimes some people love as much as they can which is not a deep thoughtful love. I used to come home at 10pm & my tea would be cooked & think how thoughtful, but then home after an early on a Sunday he would still be in bed. I bought my first house at 23 I was a student nurse on my own he contributed to nothing. He got some success & got a wage still didn’t give me anything, I gave him an out but he wouldn’t go crying etc…..to find out he was cheating with someone who had the same name someone younger more easily mouldable. If you marry he will have half your house.i was lucky my ex’s father wouldn’t allow him anything the family were wealthy. I kept my house At the end of the day if you want to live this unequal life the choice is yours.