I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

@SafetyLady If it works for you it’s none of their business. However, your partner not having worked for 5 years will not help his employment prospects which is why getting any job for a while might help him look more employable for more senior roles. But, whether it is ok or not for him to stay at home is for you and he to say. Just because it’s different or not the norm doesn’t make it wrong. I would stop any conversation on this subject with family. If they bring it up just say ‘works for us’ or ‘none of your concern’. It really isn’t. They are probably jealous in some way. It doesn’t sit well for them so they are uncomfortable with it and want you to ‘sort it’ even though they don’t know what ‘sort it’ means (presumably either he gets a job or you give him an ultimatum/dump him).

Your family have a point.

Unless you're living somewhere ridiculously rural and he doesn't drive/have legs, then 5 years without a job is madness.
I'd asking, if he'd still been single all that time, what would he have done? He'd have found a job - obviously. He'd have taken on a supermarket job, done cleaning worked, worked in a bar or a fast food place. People act too snobby for those types of work, yet it's good honest work that keeps the country working.

It's none of your family's business.

I totally get you having a demanding job and the great support your DP brings to help you facilitate that.

He could just get a part-time job, then you can both have the best of both worlds.

BUT if the current situation works for YOU, why change things to just please your family??

I’m not sure you’re coming back maybe as you don’t like the responses, but I’d struggle with my husband being long term unemployed and I’d expect him to do work , even if low paid. I can’t see how that would damage his self esteem more than being a long term unemployed and living off of you. And yes I feel the same about women who are in the same category

"I don't need or want him to do minimum wage shifts that he'd need to spend half of on transport (we're very isolated) if it's going to make him feel worse about himself. My pay-bump for taking this job is more than he was earning in his old management role."

@SafetyLady then tell them straight to stfu. Couples can make their own decisions on how they manage their finances. Part time in a supermarket/cleaner would pull in £11k a year (if that). If you are happy to support that level of wage so you don't have to think about running your home etc, then that's no different than the cries of "get a cleaner" on here. Although it's annoying that those jobs are seen as easy to get at 45+ and no experience, because while they don't need extensive qualifications, they aren't easy jobs to do. There is a level of sexism going on. If a older woman relocated for her male partner, was then struggling to find work, so they decided that she'd run the whole houshold, less would be said. It also frees up a job for someone who really needs it. If he went back to work, would you have to pay a cleaner etc anyway? Think this out and be confident in your decision. Looking ahead if your husband is happy to do jobs for your parents, that might extend to care or shopping etc. Which again takes pressure off you and saves you buying it in.

There is a level of sexism going on. If a older woman relocated for her male partner, was then struggling to find work, so they decided that she'd run the whole household, less would be said.

Absolutely this.

@SafetyLady - what are your thoughts now you've read all these responses?

Then people would be saying that she was his housekeeper and skivvy and he was stifling her independence.

I also agree.

There is a lot of misandry on this thread. It seems that a lot of PPs see the value of a man is measured only by the money he earns.

Is he a good partner, kind and loving? Does he keep the home well? Take the domestic mental load? Do you enjoy each other's company?

To me this is what you should focus on.

If you are happy would you consider marrying at some point to protect your partner?

I have been sole or main breadwinner for the last 25 years. It works for us.

At the start my family made 'helpful' comments. Funnily enough they too were happy to accept DH doing DIY jobs for them

just tell them They are ridiculous.
the Ball is in His court.

you are not his keeper, ahem, allthough you are in the financial sense, but you are not his BOss. it is His Life

If you’ve got money in the bank and live near a small town, could he set up a shop of his own?

There are plenty of empty units around. And maybe he’d find a new lease of life running a wine / craft beer shop, or a vintage shop and cafe, or a book and gift shop.

He’d hire people to work there and so he’d feel like he was managing again.

I don’t know what the investment might be - £50k perhaps? Some landlords will let you have a short lease to try it as a popup, first.

Even if it went belly up like these things often do, at least he’d have tried. And it sounds like you could afford the loss.

I think at his age the reality is that you need to spend money to make money, and it’s better to make your own job than be a skivvy for someone else.

5 years is a piss take.
The 'im too good for this' attitude would put me off. He's OK to watch you go out to work every day while you pay the bills. There IS work he can do, he's just choosing not to.

A lot of really sexist responses on here.

If the current situation of him doing the lion's share of the domestic duties to enable your career works for you both, your family should keep quiet.

Its the situation thousands of men are in, with a wife supporting them after all. So why not vice versa

I'm sorry I posted mine too soon and can't seem to edit- what I wanted to add was if you're happy with this and it isn't an issue for you, be direct and honest and tell them.

Not from me, I'd be saying she needs to get a bloody job - to protect herself and her future, if nothing else.

Aren't most of these women at home to raise children, do school runs and avoid the need for paid childcare, though? Not to just potter and do some cleaning occasionally?

I think you either need to tell your family that you are happy with your arrangement or you need to ask your partner to lower his sights on his job hunting.

After 5 years of searching - and now having a big gap on his CV - it is clear that he won’t be able to get a job at his previous level. So if he wants a job he should get one at a lower level - care/hospitality/retail/factory work, anything he fancies, and he can work his way up to management again if he chooses to.

If you both think he is too good for “minimum wage” he probably won’t work again - so just own it and he can stop the miserable process of applying for hundreds of jobs.

Would he like to start his own business? As long as the initial outlay is low then earning anything at all would be an improvement and the work might be good for his wellbeing.

Only you can say if you should leave him. None of us know what he’s like. But what you could do is:

a) Tell him that you feel he needs to get a job - of any kind
b) Encourage him to apply for low paid jobs, of which there are plenty, eg cleaner, cafe job, bar job, carer, supermarket delivery driver, supermarket shelf stacker, retail jobs, caretaker, etc etc.
c) Check his applications (is he applying half-heartedly or negatively?)

To me, despite his apparent “hundreds” of job applications, it sounds like he’s decided to retire. I think that somewhere deep in your heart, you feel uneasy about the situation. You say you’re “rural”, but he could get a car, there are buses, etc. I live in the back end of beyond and have a number of difficulties plus children and even I got a job. I don’t believe he can’t get one.

Yes but if 'they' have truly decided, then what's the OP's problem and why is he pretending to look for work for 5 years?

"We've decided he'll stay home and run the household. This works for us so that's the end of it".

But the silly 'job hunting' for 5 years charade, points to that decision having not been made.

At least not by both of them.

Why are you so bothered about what your family think you should do about it? It's not their business.

I think because deep down the OP is unhappy about him being unemployed for the last 5 years.

"I've asked what it is they think I should do"

Those ^^ are not the words of a woman who's perfectly happy for him to stay home, while they 'manage ok' on her salary.

Her family are getting to her, because they're clearly touching a raw nerve.

Exactly- why go through the charade of looking for a job in the first place if both of them have decided it's not for them and they're happy with the set up. Also, why does the OP say "we are doing ok" on my money and that "he's very down about it". "Ok" and "down" doesnt sound like they are both genuinely happy and fulfilled with the status quo does it?

It's really none of your family's business although I can understand their concerns

I would give him the same advice as any woman in his position.. do not leave yourself financially vulnerable, you aren't married, its unlikely there are pension contributions being made and how long will the savings last

He could have taken a lower paid part time job and it would have have been a road in

If I was you I would feel pressure being the sole provider, what happens if you can't work?

In this day and age are childless housewives really a thing, really?