I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Won’t he get “half of everything”?

Look- forget your family and their interference and focus on what do YOU want?

Imagine your partner said to you tomorrow "thats it, I'm fed up of looking for a job, it's clearly not working. I'll stay home now permanently, be a house husband, and we can live off your wages and your pension later on when we are retired".

How do you honestly feel about this set up? it doesnt matter how much you love him, or how lovely he is, are you truly OK with this? Because realistically thats what is likely to happen at this rate. If your gut reaction to this is negative and not wholly positive then I think you will have to accept that there is in fact a grain of truth in what your parents are implying and that you reacting as you are because its hit a raw nerve.

I agree with PP that if you were truly happy with your circumstances you would be telling them to STFU and mind their own business. But you arent, you are literally asking them for suggestions, why would you be doing that unless there is doubt in your mind that this is a fair arrangement?

If he's not found a job in 5 years, he's not going to.

Unless he changes his approach/expectations.

Are you happy to financially support him for the next 20 years too?

Then when you finally retire, share your pension with him.

Honestly, tell them to piss off. If you’re actually ok with the situation, and he’s not just mooching off you, which it doesn’t sounds like. It sound like your family’s opinions are a bigger problem than the job situation. It would probably be great for his mental health to get a job but it’s really bad for it to keep being reminded that your family look down on him etc.

Could you (in more polite terms then just oh piss off) perhaps say “Look, DH has looked and is currently looking for work, it’s a difficult situation so I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourselves, unless you have an actual concrete solution or opportunity for him”

No, not many would employ someone with a 5 year gap on their cv. Doesn’t look good.

@HebburnPokemon they aren't married

I'm not completely happy with it. It's also not that big of a problem to me, if I wasn't constantly being badgered to take unspecified action about it.

From talking with DP, he was too picky to start off with, and now with the amount of time it's become more difficult.
I'm trying to help him see it's not as hopeless as I believe he honesty thinks it is.

This is how I feel.

Its not even the fact that he’s not working right now, it’s the fact that actually he may never work again and that means you supporting him for the rest of his life.

The longer it goes on and the older he gets, the harder it will be for him to find work.

No wonder your family are worried about you.

Most partners wouldn’t want to be a burden and do everything they could to even get a PT job at NMW.
He has not tried hard enough to get a job.

Why is he not learning to drive?

I think this is good advice, thank you.

I'm exhausted from this job.
I'm exhausted and stressed out by my family and all their demands.

I struggle to see why I should have to give up being with someone who makes me happy, feel loved and supported, and makes my life so much better even factoring in the not doing paid work.

I think we'll be looking to move somewhere less isolated, DP can turn the handyman stuff into being self employed, and it'll be no one else's business if it only amounts to part time work.

There is a level of sexism going on. If a older woman relocated for her male partner, was then struggling to find work, so they decided that she'd run the whole household, less would be said

nonsne, running thr household. There is two of them and no kids. It’s not downtown abbey for gods sake.

and this

If the current situation of him doing the lion's share of the domestic duties to enable your career works for you both, your family should keep quiet

how the heck is he enabling her to have a career. What sort of domestic duties do you think they habe she needs full time support at home so she can works?

I think the key is that you'd like him to work

Be honest with him and I'm sure he can find a job .....why not set himself up as a sole trader?

Then everyone is happy

If your job is exhausting you, shouldn't he be stepping up and contributing so you can change into something less exhausting? Is this what your family are seeing?

Your family are probably taking issue because no one should want to sit back and watch their partner earn everything while there's no demands on them whatsoever. Its nothing to do with it being a man, people are the same when it's a woman. Different story when kids are involved.

I'm not completely happy with it. It's also not that big of a problem to me

That's one of the most passive things I've heard.

You're not completely happy with it but there's nothing you can do about it while he's not rushing his lazy arse to stop living off you.

That's why you've convinced yourself 'It's not that big of a problem'.

Convincing yourself of that is easier than confronting him.

We are always hearing it on here, she sacrificed her career so his career can progress.

Maybe it is Downton Abbey, is it a real place?

I'm exhausted from this job.

I'm not surprised! He has landed in a nice cushy nest. I wonder what he would do without you...

He would have had a job. Any job.

So from your latest updates, you're not actually entirely happy, and your work is exhausting you.

Yet he thinks it's okay to sit at home all day and not work? For five years? Fuck him.

Thanks for clarifying.

What a fool he is.

Crack on OP, if it’s working for you.

Normally there’s kids involved though 🤨

Thanks. That seems great advice.

We're now planning to move closer to where more people live. I will have a longer commute, but he can do some hopefully paid handyman jobs as well as the volunteering, and we'll see how it goes.

We're now planning to move closer to where more people live. I will have a longer commute, but he can do some hopefully paid handyman jobs as well as the volunteering, and we'll see how it goes.

Longer commute?

HOPEFULLY he can do paid handyman jobs?

FFS.

We are always hearing it on here, she sacrificed her career so his career can progress.

This refers to all the women who do all the school runs, early nursery pickups, deal with days off sick and hospital appointments, extra curricular activities for several children...

The OP doesn't need this layabout to progress her career. If he wasn't there, she could pay a housekeeper a few hours a week and still be better off.

Longer commute ???

WTF?

Give him an ultimatum. He'll soon find a job.

No it doesn't, it often a woman without children or with adult children. She will still be a martyr to many.

It’s not a sacrifice for all women though, for some it’s a preference to stay home and that’s fine,their choice. As long as their DH is happy.