Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

I'm in utter disbelief at comments like this. Surely no one would actually say this to their parents?!

Their parents have supported them enough! Now they want to treat their grandchildren. Yes, there is a benefit to the son in that he doesn't have to pay that 25% portion of the school fees, but OP doesn't have any school fees to pay either, so they're equal on that front.

My parents have helped my nieces and nephews with things like this for the last ten years, I would never ever ever turn around and say "well, where's my hand out?". How utterly grotesque! One of my siblings is a bit like that though, hence why they aren't an executor or POA!

Not unusual at all in SW london. Where I live in the area this is the minimum. Many schools charge the same and several more (schools round here include Broomwood, Finton House, Hornsby House, Thomas’s, Eaton House the Manor)

No part funding exists to my knowledge

What my parents do with their money is their business, you sound either very entitled or childish I can't work out which

Your parents can spend their money how they wish. The only expectation you can have really is equity and that means that should you have grandchildren they should be treated the same way (financial circumstances permitting) not that you get the equivalent cash they are spending on their grandchildren because you don't have any kids.

Yes, I can see how that is comparable

@tuvamoodyson I will never let my in-laws or parents pay for lunch, shopping etc. they have given us hundreds of thousands. And as I’ve said I wouldn’t take money for dc or not that my siblings didn’t get but again maybe it’s cultural.

@EriDaCat you're resentful that they're not paying the equivalent sum to you? Or you doubt that if you had children they'd do the same?

I don't understand why they felt the need to tell you at all tbh. I have no idea what if anything my siblings/their children get from my parents, only what they're kind enough to give to us.

Hi OP, You don’t say his old you are or how much older your brother is? Also, do you live in the NE, or are you in London like him?

Has this offer come about very recently? It sounds as if they might have been talking about the extra 20% (or something approximating to that) that’s going to be added to school fees? Your parents have effectively offered to pay the additional per child? Also, if the other set of grandparents are paying 25%, I could see how they would want to match that.

You say you think your DB is on £150k per annum but you don’t actually know this. Maybe he’s not? Even if he is, his actual net pay will obviously be a fraction of that.

£6k per term for 2 children going forwards is over £36k per year - out of post tax income, not £150k. The fees could well amount to about half of his net income.

Yes they are lucky they have no mortgage because if they did, they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.

A lot of people wouldn’t accept such a financial commitment from parents - they’d say, no, keep it for your retirement, but clearly your DB is not one of these!

I’m sure if you did have kids they would offer the same? Otherwise that would be ridiculous, But maybe they think you have decided not to? I don’t know what you’ve told them or how old you are?

Personally, I think treating both siblings equally when they’re kids is normal but it surely stops at adulthood when parents can choose how to spend their time and money.

Why would it be normal to spend time and money unequally on dc once they are adults? I get it from a logistical perspective or if one had a disability etc but if you had good relationships why would you not be equal?

@CableCar
Are you saying your parents are racists? if so this is abhorrent, your forgiveness is admirable.

What do you think they should do OP?
Pay you a £1000 a month toward your mortgage?
Not give your brother any money?

Yeah that's a different situation

£6k per term for 2 children going forwards is over £36k per year - out of post tax income, not £150k. The fees could well amount to about half of his net income.

Yes they are lucky they have no mortgage because if they did, they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.

150k income after tax is 90k so 36k can’t be half his net income? And they don’t have a mortgage and have other gps contributing so it’s a lot more affordable.

I think it’s understandable that it doesn’t feel fair (especially as your brother’s wealth is largely unearned) but YAB a bit U. But surely you can see that you have both made choices along the way too?

I am on the other side of the coin (for now) and envy has seriously damaged the good relationship that I previously had with one of my siblings.

We all had a similar level of education and opportunity. We all married young but my siblings both married people from working-class backgrounds (no disrespect, just being factual) who were quite open about not being ambitious and went on to choose occupations that have traditionally had low to medium pay. In the subsequent decades neither spouse has really gone for promotion or increased earning opportunities. One, in fact, even retrained into a profession where you can be expected to work without pay! My siblings aren’t poor (both work) but neither has much money to spare.

In contrast, at a very young age, I fell in love with and married someone who was the polar opposite of their spouses, a very ambitious young man from an immigrant background, who grew up poor but had big plans. He is now a high earner and, due to this (plus jointly taking some big risks with building projects, which paid off) we live a very nice lifestyle. I work too, in a socially-useful sphere.

But the relationship with one of my siblings never recovered from the moment when they realised that I had something that they couldn’t afford. It was written all over their face when they saw it. I loved them, was still the same person and was welcoming them to my home, but somehow they could no longer see that. It was no coincidence that a huge row blew up during that visit. We are ok, but our paths have diverged and we will clearly never be as close as we once were.

Another thing to bear in mind is that things can change. Who knows what the future holds? My marriage has been rocky at times, so my own circumstances might change in the future. Your brother might get divorced and find himself living in a substantially different way. Try to hang on to the fact that he is your brother, above anything else.

It is amazing isn't it, the absolute cheek of people who think they have the right to dictate what other adults do with their own money. Wouldn't it be lovely if OP thought how great it is that her beloved niece was getting this opportunity. Spite to a 4 year old just isn't a nice look is it.

As a grandparent I always wonder if people realise that doing this or whatever you can afford for a grandchild is actually a joy for the grandparents. I don't have loads of money but I've always done lots of childcare, people often comment on it and they just don't seem to get the fact that I love helping my kids, love being with my GC and am happy to help.

How do you make it equal? They are paying school fees, OP doesn't have children so no school fees to pay. If they start giving OP £1k a month should the brother then say it isn't fair, his sister is getting £1k a month, his kids are getting £1k a month and he's getting nothing? Where does it stop?

Well, if they’ve given you hundreds of thousands you’re entitled to pay for lunch!

How do you make it fair in terms of spending equal time with your dc? Do you really need that explaining? In terms of money my family would save the equivalent for a sibling particularly if they were so unequal wealth wise.

If they start giving OP £1k a month should the brother then say it isn't fair, his sister is getting £1k a month, his kids are getting £1k a month and he's getting nothing?

That doesn’t make any sense to me but I see any benefit to my dc as a benefit to me but you can feel differently 🤷🏻‍♀️

@tuvamoodyson you get it now, which is why I see the brother as grabby!

they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.
Well, let me see, they don't go to private if daddy can't afford it without handouts.

You’ve already had hundreds of thousands!!! It’s a lunch!

Well it is for the children as they will be the ones going to school.

@Cuppapuppa - you are correct, but my point was, OP only assumes the DB is on £150k. I find, especially within families, that a lot of ‘assumptions’ don’t always turn out to be reality. He might only be on £100k for all she knows. People don’t tend to broadcast this type of thing.

I can’t believe there are people who don’t think grandchildren are people close to the grandparents in their own right and anything spent on grandchildren needs to be equalised to the other adult child.