Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

About as comparable as thousands of pounds and a meal out really!

There is no correct answer. However I think it’s fine to say ‘So as I don’t have children will you be giving me the same amount as you give my brother? Or do I have to do without?’
Your parents are then free to answer how they want.

If I received such a letter I would bin it or indeed as another poster said write this person out of the Will.

Whilst I am alive I choose to spend my money how I want to. If one of my children felt they had the right to dictate how I should spend it they would soon get short shrift.

About as comparable as thousands of pounds and a meal out really!

Not really as that was in the context that just because you are offered something you don’t have to take it. I’ve already said had thousands of pounds for a wedding & a house deposit, but all of us got the same….

Whilst I am alive I choose to spend my money how I want to. If one of my children felt they had the right to dictate how I should spend it they would soon get short shrift.

But why would you help one child who earns well and is mortgage free and not the one earning less with a mortgage? And then cut them out of your will because they feel that’s unfair?

What principle? Thus far they're being consistent, in paying towards private education for all their descendants. Your brother's DC are people in their own right, not appendages of him. Wouldn't be how I'd use the cash, but your parents are evidently people who value and want to pay for a private education, which is up to them.

If you did ultimately have kids and there wasn't enough money to treat them in the same way, then it would be understandable.

The mother offered. The brother didn’t go around demanding anything.

where does it say that in the OP?

They are doing it to contribute the same as the other grandparent - fair as they don’t want their granddaughters growing up thinking only one side contributed and enabled their family to live a comfortable life. They want to show the other side of the coin that they have worked hard to be successful themselves and still be able to pay yours and some of their granddaughters private education. They will also be doing it for tax reasons. This is all fair, it’s not about the here and now - older people think more about their legacy naturally. The only conversation you should be having is what they intend to do if you have kids, and it should be from the perspective of if they do can they still afford their own care etc. This is not about you, it’s about them and their grandkids.

Does your brother know that you’re speculating about his income on a public message board?

There used to be tax advantages to grandparents paying for grandchildren school fees from income. I am not sure if this is still the case but perhaps it reduces their liability.

I was also wondering perhaps your own grandparents contributed tk your own school fees but you never realised it and that your parents are in fact paying it forward.

Either way their money their choice and nothing to do with you

Right where it says it.
“This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees.”

The grandparents are specifically paying a set amount towards school fees because private education is something they value. Theres nothing to suggest they’ve been unfair with them type of help they’ve offered both children up to no, ie helped one with a house deposit and not the other, paid for uni fees for one child and expected the other to get a loan.
From the GP’s perspective it’s quite different them choosing to pay for the private schooling specifically and say giving the OP £1000 a month to inflate her spending. They value the private education, not paying for a holiday every month for their adult child.

I can’t see anything to suggest if OP had children they wouldn’t also be offered fees towards their education.

Because simply put these are choices I can make and I don't need to be dictated to by anyone.

The reality is I wouldn't change my will but I also wouldn't not spend the money how I see fit and if someone wrote me a hissy fit letter like this then I would make it clear to then they have no say and I am less than impressed with their view that I can't spend money on my grandchildren.

I agree with this in principle but it isn’t a DCs responsibility to pay their nursery fees, which OP said half of this money will cover. DB would have to pay this either way, so they are essentially giving money to DB for no benefit of that DC.

If they were paying for school fees only you could see it as something to benefit DN who might not otherwise have the opportunity to go to private school.

However, in this case it sounds like DB can easily afford private schooling too. My DB is also a dentist, his wife is a SAHM and they send two children to private school on top of the mortgage on a £1.3m house with no financial help. This family have two incomes and no mortgage after inheriting £3m.

I suspect DN would be sent to private school either way and the money is just saving the parents money.

If were in your parents place I’d be pretty upset that BOTH of my kids despite being privately educated and have good jobs still feel the need to want and accept money from me. With all of your privilege at this stage in life neither of you should be relying on or wanting financial assistance from your parents.

I get your frustration here. My DS is about to start private school which we will be funding but DM has said she will act as 'back up' for DDs fees in 5 years time (secondary only). I'm hoping we don't need her to help us but I've said that if we do, she deducts it from my inheritance as I'm one of four siblings. Now, none of my siblings have kids and aren't likely to. And are way more wealthy as singletons than we are! So I doubt they'd care to be honest but from a fairness perspective that feels right.
I'd be suggesting the same to be honest in your position.

@Spirallingdownwards I was also wondering perhaps your own grandparents contributed tk your own school fees but you never realised it and that your parents are in fact paying it forward.

This could be very likely. While 25% of a considerable chunk OPs parents might still have had to stretch themselves to pay the rest.

It’s actually more common for GP to pay towards private education than not. It’s the whole thing with generational wealth.

I think this is potentially very outing @EriDaCat as you’ve been quite specific with the details provided.

I think your parents are being generous and want to contribute to their grandchildren’s education. I think this would only really be an issue if they were not showing the same generosity to your children.

@Coffeerum but it doesn’t say what the brother said? How do you know he didn’t ask? I think it’s weird to accept the money when you have inherited a 3m house and earn well so we will have to disagree.

YANBU. I really think parents should treat children equally when it comes to money.

If your DB was struggling financially then I can understand if your parents took you aside and told you their intention was to help him and his family out. But in this case, you're the one I would expect them to help, if anyone.

I would be resentful too. I think more towards DB tbh for taking money that he doesn't need.

@Heatherbell1978 DHs siblings don’t have dc and are unlikely too. In-laws have made noises around paying towards our dc education but have made it clear it will bed deducted from future inheritance. Wouldn’t expect anything less.

Then simply put you don’t have any understanding of families with any considerable wealth.
There is no point from a financial planning point of view to wait 20/30 years and have this money via inheritance and then subject to tax.
Its firstly extremely tax efficient for the GP to put money towards private education, and in private education circles many GP’s view it as part of their responsibility to pay towards their GC’s future if they are able, and OPs parents clearly sound able and willing.

It’s up to them how they spend their money. You sound quite obsessed - stop trying to guess people’s income, outgoings, family relationships and school fees.

@Coffeerum I had a significant 6 figure cash gift as a house deposit before I was 30 as did my siblings so I’m not that impoverished.

And as part of tax planning it makes sense to gift the equivalent to the OP now surely?

They are contributing to their grandchild’s education really here rather than your brother so I don’t see this as unfairness. They may have wanted to do this irrespective of his earnings as part of their desire to support any grandchildren. It’s hardly their fault you chose not to have kids but it doesn’t mean you somehow have a right to any unused money based on this. I can see how you are thinking here but I think it’s up to your parents how they want to use their money. If you feel you are struggling and want to ask for their support, then just have a conversation with them but I’d keep your niece out if it. Obviously if they have indicated if you had children they would not contribute to their education in the same way then that could be felt as unfair, although it isn’t a given that they would be able to fund unlimited grandkids!

So the equivalent scenario would be your parents specifically giving the money for a house purchase, and giving it when the child is buying a home rather than just giving them cash at the same time to fritter.
So one sibling might get their cash 8 years later, just as one sibling might get cash for their wedding 8 years later because the other sibling got married earlier.

OP’s parents are only in their 50s, it sounds like the brother is several years older. OP is married and may still have children, she’s unsure not child free. There is absolutely nothing to suggest the GP wouldn’t pay for OP’s children’s fees too, or that it wouldn’t come back around at a later time for something specific.

This has all blown up because OP is jealous of her brother, is obsessed with what he earns and how much his wife’s parents help them out.