Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

Someone else has said this but it really does depend how they view their grandchildren. They are their own people. Perhaps they see it as doing something for their grandchildren and not for the parents. They want to see the grandchildren directly benefit from the money.

They are entitled to chose to spend money as they will. My grandparents said they would support anything educational and helped out with various things like music lessons, extra tutoring and university fees when they felt extra money was needed With me and my cousins. They would never have given money to help pay mortgages or to fund expensive weddings. They just put a big value on education but knew they couldn't fund everything.

I'd imagine your parents get pleasure from making a contribution. They probably also wanted to match what the other grandparents give.

I doubt they sat down and thought whether they were giving equally to both children.

I would be peeved but ultimately it's their money.

I am for fairness but as you do not have children this situation is not comparable at all.

If you have children and they do not contribute towards school fees then you have a case of unfairness.

DH and I are better off than our sibling groups and though it’s obvious on some levels, they have no real idea. The fact you know about her inheritance and are whining about it is the reason we never share details of our finances. Everyone is about to be curious as to why we have been able to retire early in a few months. It’s none of their business.

None of your business, how your parents chose to spend their money. Lots of GP pay private school fees for their GC.

You were privately educated as well as your brother. Why can’t you get your money up instead of focusing on money that isn’t yours?

The fact that you’re only choosing to respond to posts that are asking about fees is very telling

I think envy is a really unattractive emotion, one you shouldn’t display so casually and more one you should work on. You’re not entitled to your parents money and they can chose to spend it as they please. Put your hand back in your pocket. It’s nice they are supporting their grandkids.

If they wanted their children privately educated, they should have set aside £££ k from their £3M windfall before buying a house ?

Amazingly greedy of your brother and SIL!

I get it o/p. It’s not even the money, so much, it’s the inequality.

we recently found out in laws have been paying 2x dn school fees. They’d even kept it secret.

we do have kids, no such offer was made for ours. When we had money issues no offer of help. We didn’t ask of course, but it burns to discover gp paid several hundred thousand for one set of grandkids and watched the others go without.

it’s basically a fuck you.

@Coffeerum we got everything at the same age, so my sister isn’t married but still got 30k at 25. Brother got house deposit at the same age but didn’t buy till 6 yrs later as didn’t want to be tied to a house.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest the GP wouldn’t pay for OP’s children’s fees too, or that it wouldn’t come back around at a later time for something specific.

There is nothing to suggest that they would though but I think it’s fine for the OP to ask the question.

Also what’s to say the money will be there in the future if the OP does have dc? Who knows what tax implications or care costs will look like in the future.

This has all blown up because OP is jealous of her brother, is obsessed with what he earns and how much his wife’s parents help them out.

Whereas I read it as the OP feels like she could do with money now too & feels she is being treated unfairly. One of my cousins is rich, earns 7 figures but my aunt & uncle still split their estate 3 ways. When he received his share he paid for a luxury group holiday for all of us & what was left went back to his other siblings as he didn’t need it. That’s what his parents would have wanted but would never leave him out. I suppose that’s why it feels alien to me & maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m not English) re attitudes to money & fairness. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that’s different. Not treating the grandkids equally. The parents are treating the kids equally. Just the op also wants what the grandkids get.

Maybe they have told your brother that anything they have given him whilst alive comes out of his share of the estate when they have gone?

But I see it as spending on their grandchildren. And your choosing not to have children is exactly that - your choice.

The parents are treating the kids equally

Maybe that’s the difference. I don’t think it’s equal to help one dc with bills/disposable income vs another. Yes it’s for the gc but the brother does benefit too.

It's their money. Why are you treating your parents as if they don't understand what they are doing? Are you concerned they can't manage their own finances?

I think it is a bit tacky and grabby of your bro and SIL to actually accept the money considering they are mortgage free on his salary. If you are right they feel they must contribute the same as the other grandparents, it is really shameful your brother is accepting it.

My parents motto is 'what you give to one you have to give to all' but obviously this happens in different life contexts. When my brother got married they didn't give us all money but when each of us got married we got the same. As you don't have children it is not comparable right now.

All you can do is accept your parents are generous people who want to support their children and grandchildren and make sure they don't feel pressured to give this money.

I get the feelings completely. My parents gave my brother £50,000 towards a house deposit that they didn't ever give to me, nor will I see it in their will... Only because they disagreed with my getting married so young to my DH. DH and I are happily married for over 10 years now, with lovely DC, stable jobs etc... no reason other than they wouldn't have chosen him for me themselves because of protected characteristics, so they make that known by not helping us out financially like they did my brother. It hurts when family do that. However, I am also over what my parents did as time is a healer. I said it was unfair at the time and called them out on it... They stuck to their plan and didn't change anything. Eventually I got over it. Tbh if I were you I'd be bold and bring it up and ask if they'd considered helping you out like they're helping your brother out financially... The difficulty is how do they see it... do they see it as saving your brother on school fees each month so he has more money for other things in life, or do they see it as investing in their grandchildren. Be prepared that they'll say the later. At the end of the day, imo, it's right for parents to treat their children fairly.

Our situation is on a much smaller scale but my parents offered to pay for musical instrument lessons for their grandchildren. It's something they prize highly and paid for both me and my brother during childhood. I have three kids, my brother has one. My parents are very careful about fairness of spending. But this is them paying for something for each grandchild not something they are paying for us. So they don't feel the need to give my brother extra money to make up for it.

The jealousy drips from your words. Poison.

Jealous of a child.

However, I am also over what my parents did as time is a healer because they didn't like his protected characteristic?? Jeez you're a stronger person than I.

because they didn't like his protected characteristic?? Jeez you're a stronger person than I.

how does one get over that?!

Hmmm not sure, I mean, the money I presume will go straight to the children rather than to them to spend on themselves if that makes sense. As you don’t have children it’s hard to make a comparison. I guess to make it fair then they should pledge to pay your kids school fees if you ever have children. I would be pissed off if they gave £6.5 k to them to help with COL crisis or whatever and would want the same, but as this money if really for their children I am not sure 🤷‍♀️

I would ask if they will do the same for you when you have children. If they won't be able to, they should not be doing it for the other two grandkids...as it just will not be fair. And tbh it does not seem fair if they are mortgage free to make your parents pay for the school when they can pay for it.

I don't know sounds like @CableCar is so strong and able to make peace with it though

I'm with you OP. It would annoy me too. If I were the brother I wouldn't accept the money.
He's the one being grabby

That actually is unequal. But it's not akin to the OPs situation.

This sounds sensible.

OP, I think it is probably a case of them seeing your niece/nephew as separate relatives they want to help. I would hope that if you had children, they would treat yours the same.

An example, my mum gives a lot of money to her grandchildren (my children). She doesn’t give an equal amount to my sibling because she sees her grandchildren as separate people who she likes to give things to. If my sibling had children it’d be different.